Here Are Some More Available But Godawful Porn Names

Great job landing your first movie role, kid. But before you begin "performing" for the camera, you're going to need to tell our producers what your alias–aka porn name–is going to be. Keep in mind some of the best, most memorable porn handles have been taken already. But don't worry– we have a few unused ones lying around that you're welcome to. Be warned, though– they're pretty terrible.

Him

Beau Geste

Cumpanion Cube

Ben Ghazi

Dong Cornelius

Harold Asscrack

Shane ToMyParents

Warren G. Throbbing

Her

Lauren Ipsum

Teri Yaki

Nicorette

Bessie Mae Mucho

Bézier Curves

Lapdance Lazuli

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on what's leftover from Netflix. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Star Trek: Ensign Gomez

• Tony Hawk's Radical Real Estate Tips

• Dr. Pimple Popper Wipes Her Ass

• The Big Bong Theory: A Totally Stoked Out PARODY!

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• You Should Probably Not Be Watching This

• Reruns of Old Osama Bin Laden Speeches (with laugh track)

• Bitch Doulas

• America Doesn't Have As Much Talent As We Initially Thought

• Flip That House and Barely Make Your Money Back

The ProofrEADJer: End of February Edition

Submitted by Emily Kane:

It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Good bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Buyer Beware: Facebook Quilt Scam

Never buy a quilt from a Facebook ad.

Chances are it's just a Photoshopped quilt using the same template.

Same background, same quilt shape, same folded lower right corner.

Once you know it's a template, it's easy to spot everywhere.

Sometimes scammers will add a quilted texture to help make it more realistic.

Some of these designs are admittedly pretty cool, too.

And some are fucking godawful.

But either way, save your money and keep scrolling. Or knit your own quilt, you lazy Facebooking asshole.

Oh, also keep an eye out for this nice lady. She's another quilt scam template.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Process of Rotogravure

"Great question... *gah* I...ow.. I bet you're asking because of...GAH... because of that song "Easter Parade", right? LOL (choke)... Well, rotogravure is a printing sys... no, my neck... system using a rotary press with... no...  intaglio cylinders ACKKKK! typically running at, uh, high speed and m...mmm... (breathes desperately) used for long print runs of magazines and sta... sta... stamps. Whew! *dies*

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 17

Twitter has a lot of hashtags, with lots of uses. To sell shoes, to raise awareness for a debilitating disease, to shame a mother who slapped her daughter in public even though it was a joke and everyone got all bent out of shape and she's not even my real daughter get a life.

Here are some bad, underused hashtags that you can use in your own Twitter feed that no one will read:

#Ozzyhygiene

#shinmediabuy

#telegramsexting

#Doritoscoveredcorpse

#empoweringpeasants

#thanksfortheprettyfistula

#YouTuberswhowerealsoValedictorians

6 Lies Told By The United States Department of Agriculture's Food Safety Brochure, "Is It Done Yet?"

Pointing out the lies of a government agency is usually the realm of conspiracy nuts and fat militia bunker dipshits, but we decided to give it a go.

1) That girl doesn't really want a burger. She simply wants to make her Dad look bad in front of his friends by berating him. Who does she think she is.

2) Not real corn. Fake corn. Pseudo corn. Lies on the cob.

3) The dad's smile barely hides his contempt for the daughter. She's the reason they didn't go backpacking that year in Portugal. Fucking kid.

4) That chicken breast wasn't fully cooked. Grandma will eat that one.

5) When it was alive, that wasn't just "fish"; that salmon had dreams, joys... it had a name. It was Greg.

6) Aren't safe cooking temperatures pointless if you're cooking quiche for dinner? Who cares about living at that point? 

Eat A Dick Joel is thrilled to announce the release of the 6 Lies Told line of delicious raspberry jam. This old fashioned raspberry jam has the fresh, homey taste that will take you back to your childhood. All natural, low in sugar, no pectin, and bursting with berry flavor with a hint of lemon, it's lovingly made from fresh and never frozen raspberries. Perfect over breakfast toast or topped over plain yogurt for dessert. Order today!

Program Alert: Some Perks Being REMOVED From the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

UAG

Happy Valentine's Day From Eat A Dick, Joel

We know it's not much, but we wanted to get you something nice for Valentine's. And we know you said specifically not to get you anything, but we love you baby and wanted to show you how we feel.

Anal tonight? :)

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Shitty President Edition, Part II

Previous President Shitty Edition here.

Our President continues to be a myopic, unfocused bully at a time of great crisis. Here are a few hashtags that he would never use, so go ahead and use them yourself:

#leadership

#hellawaitsme

#iloveyouMelania

#thebuckstopshere

#takingthehighroad

#endHillarybashing

#curlingupwithagoodbook

#ishouldprobablystopgolfingsomuchandgettowork

#maybeweshoulddosomethingaboutapossiblepandemic

#ishouldprobablydosomethingtobenefitallAmericansinsteadofbeingadivisiveasshole

6 Lies Told By The San Francisco Dungeon Brochure

Here are 6 lies told by the San Francisco Dungeon located at Fisherman's Wharf:

1. We will only chain your feet on the rides if you're really into it.

2. The Descent is exactly what it sounds like. 8 steps down a staircase.

3. "Miss Piggott" doesn't actually work here. She's just a patron who gets way too into the horror thing and we've been too embarrassed for the last few years to ask her to leave.

4. "Chinatown Plague Street" might not have been the most PC attraction, considering the latest worldwide pandemic events.

5. And maybe making light of human trafficking wasn't a good call, either. Who made these decisions?!

6. "Anyone under the age of 16 must be accompanied by a PAYING adult." Which means you kids can't just ask that guy who jumps out of bushes to scare tourists to come with you.

EADJ is happy to announce the 6 Lies Told Investment Firm, a multi-asset alternative investment company with already $105 billion in assets under management that creates lasting impact for our investors, teams, businesses and the communities in which we live. 6 Lies Told Investments takes a consulting-based approach to private equity investing, partnering closely with management teams to offer the insights that challenge conventional thinking, build great businesses and improve operations. Over time, we hope to expand this approach across asset classes to build one of the strongest alternative asset platforms in the world.

A Few Monster Movie Posters

The woman and the alien at the top of this poster look like they're old college buddies catching up on old times.

"You took my bike to Goodwill?! That was a top-of-the-line Fuji touring bike, Nancy!"

This one looks like the guy took his eager little brother to a senior party and regrets it immediately.

Feature Film Ideas Based On Items On The Side of a Cheesecake Box

The eight major film studios are struggling to find new original content to compete with the Netflix juggernaut. Having mined almost every intellectual property already, they have now turned to the next logical step: the side of a cheesecake box in my fridge. Here now are the greenlit projects currently in development:

"Blackout" starring Terrence Howard, Emil Hirsch and Viola Davis. A citywide power outage heightens racial tensions during a protest. Directed by Spike Lee unless he says he already did this.

"Fudge Rum" starring Donald Glover, Rashida Jones and Jane Lynch. This tongue-in-cheek pirate adventure stars two competing pirate clans who discover identical treasure maps at a government official's funeral. Also starring Paul Rudd as Dawonga the Smuggler.

"German" directed by Werner Herzog. German actors Daniel Brühl, Christoph Waltz, Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger, Gitta Schweighöfer and Franka Potente share a bratwurst and some steins of beer whilst talking about Klaus Kinski and "laughing" about German subjects of their choosing. Very talky.

"OUTRAGE" starring Aaron Paul, Julia Garner, and Jaime Pressley. A white trash couple goes on a robbin' spree in the nearby richie town and gets chased by every state trooper and fed that gets wind of their antics. Starring John C. Reilly as the Governor and Jaime Pressley as his rebellious daughter Kee.

"Truffle" featuring the voices of Horatio Sanz, Jeri Ryan, Michael Ealy, and Stormy Daniels. This DreamWorks animated film follows a sad truffle pig (Sanz) who discovers a magical hallucinogenic truffle that transports him the fuck to some fantastic new bullshit world or whatever. Songs by AJR and score by Danny Elfman.