Feature Film Ideas Based On Items On The Side of a Cheesecake Box

The eight major film studios are struggling to find new original content to compete with the Netflix juggernaut. Having mined almost every intellectual property already, they have now turned to the next logical step: the side of a cheesecake box in my fridge. Here now are the greenlit projects currently in development:

"Blackout" starring Terrence Howard, Emil Hirsch and Viola Davis. A citywide power outage heightens racial tensions during a protest. Directed by Spike Lee unless he says he already did this.

"Fudge Rum" starring Donald Glover, Rashida Jones and Jane Lynch. This tongue-in-cheek pirate adventure stars two competing pirate clans who discover identical treasure maps at a government official's funeral. Also starring Paul Rudd as Dawonga the Smuggler.

"German" directed by Werner Herzog. German actors Daniel Brühl, Christoph Waltz, Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger, Gitta Schweighöfer and Franka Potente share a bratwurst and some steins of beer whilst talking about Klaus Kinski and "laughing" about German subjects of their choosing. Very talky.

"OUTRAGE" starring Aaron Paul, Julia Garner, and Jaime Pressley. A white trash couple goes on a robbin' spree in the nearby richie town and gets chased by every state trooper and fed that gets wind of their antics. Starring John C. Reilly as the Governor and Jaime Pressley as his rebellious daughter Kee.

"Truffle" featuring the voices of Horatio Sanz, Jeri Ryan, Michael Ealy, and Stormy Daniels. This DreamWorks animated film follows a sad truffle pig (Sanz) who discovers a magical hallucinogenic truffle that transports him the fuck to some fantastic new bullshit world or whatever. Songs by AJR and score by Danny Elfman.

Introducing: The EADJ Pun Police

The name is Dover. Detective Benjamin Dover. I'm a beat cop for the EADJ Pun Police with my partner, Sgt. McCracken. We walk the beat in this sleepy town with a keen eye for terrible puns, and let me tell you brother, there's a lot of that garbage polluting the streets. It's our job to shake down the wrongdoers, the miscreants, the out-and-out punsters who pervert our beautiful language into a toothless, two-bit whore with two meanings.

Tonight's Pun Police Blotter:

Phil and I were driving our squad car along Evergreen when we spotted this bank ad in New York's AM newspaper. Now, normally we look the other way with New York's tabloid rags, seeing how The Post and The Daily News have made a living off of consistently good puns. But this one we couldn't exactly let slide:


"Best interest?" Get it? Now, WaMu denied that the word "interest" had two meanings. So we let it off with a stern verbal warning. But not soon after– and right when Phil and I were about to stop by Casey's for a slice of pie– dispatch sent us to the local movie theatre. It was there that we found this poster:


"Made of Honor?!" The title was not only a pun, but one that didn't even make sense. And right when we were starting to write out a ticket for "nonsensical title," I spotted this beauty at the bottom:


Gotcha. That raised the charges to "nonsensical title" and "groaner tagline with intent to distribute." We hauled Columbia Pictures in to sleep it off in the drunk tank. Let them think about what they've done.

So Phil and I had congratulated each other for another successful night of keeping the streets pun-free, until Phil opened a copy of City Tails, a free magazine devoted to "celebrating the relationship between pets and their people."


Everyone knows pet owners are a sketchy lot to begin with. They dote over their animals with a passion that's proportional to their frequency of dog or cat puns. But what we found in that magazine would make you question Man's use of language and even the use of the printed page. WARNING: This is not for the weak of heart:



I couldn't tell you who that ad was for. I couldn't even tell you what cop show that Richard Belzer character used to be on. All I know is that Phil and I called for backup, stormed the offices of Pet Tails, and tasered the hell out of everyone there. Sure, four of their staffers died in the scuffle, but I like to think that I saved far more lives preventing the publication from continuing to spread that read menace. Oh, that was a pun. Dang!