It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Good bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

The EADJ Crapcade Review of the iPhone Game "Rapper Run"

I bet you're thinking, "Hey cool, a new EADJ segment!" No, actually this is a very old segment that hasn't been featured on this blog for almost 9 YEARS TO THE DATE.

Why such a long time? Who knows. But it's definitely not because there haven't been terrible videogames and apps in the last 9 years. Blame it on laziness and distraction.

And another thing- the game we're reviewing isn't even available anymore. It was a digital turd laid back in 2013. So how lazy is that?!

Rapper Run is (was) a game that capitalized on the never-ending running games like Subway Surf and Temple Run. 

But this time it's with crude, perfunctory animation and with RAPPERS!

See, you can choose your character, like not-Kanye West, because I guess the developers discovered you can't use real rappers' likenesses in games if you don't pay them.

So, pivot. You can choose all your favorite rapper characters to run, like Dr. Dre's son Curtis Young (?????!????) Yukmouth or @HipHopGamer. All your favorites.

But that's not all. You can also choose to be YouTube star "Francis"!

FUCK, WHY ISN'T THIS A CONSOLE GAME ALREADY?

And like rappers do, you're going to run along the median of a street and collect coins. Wait, is that rappers or Martin Lawrence? Wow, super old reference from another century.

Anyhoo, the other motivation to keep running is to run away from rapid fans, à la Beatles in "A Hard Day's Night". Ruuuun.

The gameplay from what I remember was choppy and basic. The sounds were just a hip hop beat and someone pretending to be Kanye yelling "Ungh!" The touch screens on gas pumps are more sophisticated than this asshole of a game. Good thing you can't download it anymore. 

Final grade: F

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're hard up for money and you live in the San Fernando Valley area, chances are you're gonna get into porn. So besides an 8x10 of your crotch, you'll need a catchy (however dumb) pornstar name. Here are a few terrible, unclaimed ones you can use:

HIM:

Freudian Slick

Haim Batman

Lou Hanging Fruit

Francis Scrote Key

Deepcok Choke-ya

Ernest Cummingway

HER:

Bridgit Spinner

Loose-ille Balls

Kass To Mouth

Taint Bernadette

Pyra Minx

Helvetica Bold