Another EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Lord. How many of these have we had? Don't answer that.

Brand: Rensow Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: Piss Yellow Label with Ugly Blue Swoosh

Brand Promise: A light swab at your nethers

Feels Like: Straddling a giant Q-Tip made of steel wool

Brand: Prime Select

Brand Imagery: A hurricane symbol?

Brand Promise: A swift, airy cleaning

Feels Like: Pointing a leaf blower at your anus

Brand: Classic

Brand Imagery: Pink abstract decorative swashes

Brand Promise: Softness and class

Feels Like: Wiping your asshole's tears at a rest stop 

Brand: Blank

Brand Imagery: None

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: A hostage exchange on paper

Brand: Genuine Joe

Brand Imagery: White stripes on a blue band

Brand Promise: Efficiency, and nothing more

Feels Like: Joe hates your ass