An Imagined Conversation

"Can we park here?"

"I dunno. What day is it?"

"It's Friday."

"Hmmmm."

.....

"Hmmmm."

.....

"Hmmmm."

.....

"Hmmmm."

.....

"Hmmmm."

.....

"No."

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Bruce Willis Still Can't Believe He's In Movies

"What? We're finishing this trilogy now? Okay, I guess."

"If you told me 10 years ago I'd be in a movie with THE Cole Hauser, I wouldn't believe you."

"Okay, I put the hat on. You happy? Where's my paycheck?"

"Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Okay, sharing billing with Zack Morris from 'Saved By The Bell' is all you need to know about my film career now."

"Do you want me to look intense over here, or..."

"... over here? I can do both. Heck, use one each for a different movie– I don't give a shit."

An Interesting Bloke I Spotted On the Subway

I noticed on the subway that this dude was intently writing something in his journal.

Upon closer inspection, it appears he was drawing either a complex doodle or something beyond normal human comprehension.

So either this guy is completely off his nut or has just solved our dependence on foreign oil forever. Maybe both.

Douglas "Doug" Fetterbrandt On How To Remove Enormous Objects From Your Pussy

Ladies, it happens more often than you'd like to admit- you wake up after a crazy weekend, and you discover that somehow you've managed to get an utterly enormous object (like an umbrella stand or a tackle box) stuck in your vagina. Doug Fetterbrandt here, and I'm going to give you some commonsense tips on how to remove said huge items from that vagina of yours, toot sweet. Follow these helpful steps:

1) If the object in your pussy happens to have a handle (e.g. a moonshine bottle from a jugband or a tennis ball retriever) simply pull on the handle slowly.

2) It's probably more likely that the object wedged in your pussy doesn't have a handle. Well, in these cases, check to see if you can "palm" any of the surface (e.g. a watermelon or a punch bowl) to extract it.

3) Try to resist the temptation to use a foreign object to pry any gigantic objects from your pussy. The use of a fulcrum only risks you getting yet another object stuck up in there.

4) Sometimes you can press your abdomen with your hands to push a sizable object out of your pussy. Any object with edges (e.g. a car battery or a scale model of the city of Minas Tirith from Lord of The Rings) can be guided with your hands to the exit.

5) Just because an object was easy to get stuck in your pussy doesn't mean it will be easy to get out. Try visualizing any sharp edges or angled parts (e.g. a jai alai basket or a candelabra from Pier One Imports) so that they don't get stuck on your labia, or "pussy lips."

6) Try to relax. Often women with ginormous items stuck up their woo-woo make their situation worse by stressing out about explaining themselves to the bowling alley or the Jiffy Lube. Don't stress and everything will work out.

7) If you have to take a crap with a big honking thing in your pussy, go right ahead. The female anatomy was made to adapt so that you could still go number two with a leather armrest from a Barcolounger or a ukelele stuck in yergina.

I hope these tips have been helpful to some of you ladies who have gotten some mongo huge thing stuck up your pussies. I wish you luck in their removal and am always at your service when it comes to sensitive subjects like this.

Meanwhile in Puerto Rico,

White people are still walking around famous Puerto Rican historic landmarks with full, undrunk cocktails like a pair of assholes.

And So Begins The Quest To Make DragonForce Happen.

The other day I was watching the past-its-prime-but-still-seriously-kickass program "Headbanger's Ball" on MTV2. And in between a vintage Accept clip and a Slipknottyesque death metal video, a commercial ran that sparked my interest. A commercial for a newly-released album by a group named DRAGONFORCE.





The name "DragonForce" is 50X Awesome on so many levels:

1) "Dragon"– Who doesn't like dragons, besides anyone who's not a 13-year-old misfit or a 80-year old Chinese furniture dealer? The fact that the band went there and not only gave a nod to something as dorky as dragons but BEGAN THEIR MOTHERFUCKING BAND NAME WITH IT says something about them as a musical group: that they rule with a double viking (Vikings are also dorkily awesome, btw).

2) "Force"- Let's ignore the possible Star Wars reference here because I think "Dragon" already captured that "not getting laid" contingent. The word "force" is an excellent choice because it's aggressive and forward-thinking. But it's also pretty fantastical and non-scary ("By the force of Wurrmar, I command thee to capture the goblet of Ürr!"). But I guess it's at least better than "thrust," "push," or "zoom."

3) Now combine the two words (but keep "Force" capitalized!) and you've got DragonForce, a title that does– I'll admit– sort of conjure imagery of stalactites and skies darkened by volcanic ash. But the name also sounds a lot like a Japanese Saturday morning cartoon. Or a series of dragon-themed race cars whose wheels you have to back up on the floor until they click before you let them zip around, scaring the dog. But I have to give credit to a band who could have easily named themselves something simpler, like "Dismember" or "Obituary" or "Venom" but decided on their own creation: "DragonForce." Fuck yeah.


Now, what kind of music does DragonForce play, knowing that it's obviously metal? I couldn't tell you because I put the TV on mute during commercials. But who gives a shit, man? It's DRAGONFORCE! That shit is awesome already! Stop being a pussy and crank it up!


Over the next week or so, we at Eat A Dick Joel will use our enormous readership to help promote DragonForce's musical career. We encourage you to buy DragonForce's new album, "Ultra Beatdown" at your local Camelot Music, FYE or Sam Goody music store. Or iTunes. If DragonForce is too loud, YOU'RE TOO OLD! Seacrest out!

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