Eat A Dick, Joel: The Blog: okay maybe that last photo was staged

Showing posts with label okay maybe that last photo was staged. Show all posts

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The ProofrEADJer, Birth Of Our Nation Edition

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Brick Building Was Feeling Alright

Brick Building was feeling alright (submitted by Andrew Gall).

Prius Door Handles were, too.

Breast Pump was shocked.

Production Truck was furious for some reason.

IHOP Pineapple Slice was bummed.

Serving Table felt absolutely grouchy.

Police Barricade Bracket was distraught and on the street.

Brown Roller didn't care and just wanted to get out of there.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

What's Going On Here?

I spotted this threesome around 10pm in a New York City parking garage. This series of photos tells an incomplete story of two guys and one girl- who are they? How do they know each other? What are they talking about? Why haven't they shot at me yet?

Here now are several scenarios that we cooked up that attempt to explain who these three are:

• A young man named Chell goes on a date with his high school crush. He learns she does cocaine, so before he takes her to a club, they visited Chell's drug dealer cousin who works at a parking garage to score some coke so Chell can "score."

• Monica breaks up with Tristan when he fails to propose to her on their fifth year dating anniversary. She immediately dates an older boy, who proposes to her after only 3 weeks of dating. Monica and her new fiancé pay a visit to Tristan at his job at the parking garage to announce the engagement. Tristan plays it cool although it's breaking his fucking heart.

• Donovan is always protective of his sister Gwen and has a great sixth sense of which guys are bad for her. Gwen knows this and takes whatever boy she's dating to get a sense if he's worth dating. Their code is this: If Donovan has both feet down, the guy is solid. If he leans against a column and lifts one leg, however, the guy is probably either a irredeemable douchebag or a useless momma's boy.

• McMillen is a veteran cop who happens to just look young. He poses as an attendant at a parking garage adjacent to a known mob-owned restaurant to keep an eye on the low-level players to observe which ones are moving up in the organization. Here he is casually making small talk to mob enforcer Joe "Prosciutto" Panelli and his show-offy ditz girlfriend Candace. Rated R for violence and brief nudity.

• Seth is a clumsy, lovable bear of a guy who just wants to have a girlfriend. After hitting it off with a nice girl at a late night yogurt joint, he takes her to the aquarium, four bars, a dance club, one of those places where you can paint pottery, a fondue joint, and finally back to his car at a parking garage. Hector, the parking attendant, is about to tell Seth that the girl is a prostitute.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Andrew Dice Clay Is Still Doing It

The following are transcribed from a January performance at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Omaha City, Nebraska:

"Yankee Doodle came to town
riding on a pony,
stuck a feather in some chick's pussy
and she got toxic shock syndrome! Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

"This little piggy went to market,
this little piggy stayed home,
this little piggy had roast beef,
and this little piggy ate some broad out in a Port-a-John and got Hepatitis C! Boom! UnbeLIEVABLE!"

"Hey Diddle Diddle...
Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC would like to you to sit right over there! Let me tell ya, ShabbadabbaDOOM!"

"Little Bo Peep, lost her sheep,
and didn't know where to find them.
Hey, bitch, who told you to leave the kitchen in the first place? Go make me a sandwich, because you're a woman, and you're supposed to do those things! Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
she had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
I know what you can do, lady. You should keep your legs crossed from now on, because you obviously are promiscuous and should be ostracized for being sexually active, because we men have a double standard when it comes to sexual behavior like that! Am I right, fellas? Boom! Helllll yeah!"

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,
why am I obscure now, but other shitty comedians like Dane Cook and Larry The Cable Guy are literally filling up stadiums? Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"