The Anthropomorphic Nightmare Continues

A few weeks ago, we spotted a tooth that had teeth. Disturbing.

Today, in a Manhattan deli bathroom (don't ask) we spotted a soap dispenser holding hands with a drop of water and a hand. 

Did you catch that? A HAND that has HANDS.

WHAT THE FUCK FRANKIE I WANT TO GO HOME

Not A New Regular Segment: The EADJ Children's Book Korner

Today we review the children's book "Drive That Truck," a brazen, cynical move by Tonka to sell more plastic trucks and bulldozers. The artwork is subpar. The story is nonexistent. But the characters are more fleshed out than any Nicolas Sparks novel. Boom!

Overall grade: F

And Now Is The Time That We Should Discuss "Sharknado."

Some real stinkers of movies were being shopped at Cannes this year, the most notable being The Asylum's "Sharknado," which pretty much doesn't need any description or plot summary. Just look at it.

In fact, their marketing department thought "Enough said!" summed it all up nicely. We disagree. Here now are some free-of-charge alternate taglines for "Sharknado:"

And by the way, we cannot review this excellent movie on the EADJ Crappinema because we already covered a Tara Reid movie, "Vipers," and the Crappinema Prime Directive forbids us from repeating ourselves.

Bike Helmet Hated Being Left Outside

 

Bike Helmet hated being left outside.

 

  

C-clamp Stand just laughed and lit a cigar.

 

Lawn Mower Chute had no comment.

 

Two Toilet Paper Rolls On A Toilet shed a tear.

 

Two Apples and a Rotten Banana thought it was hilarious.

 

Rooftops in Prague were both shocked and delighted.

 

Bathroom Dryer winked his approval.

 

ComEd Truck crossed his eyes and stayed out of it.

 

Two Slices of Cheese On a Cutting Board entertained suicidal thoughts.

 

Railroad Tie was unimpressed.

 

So were 4 Hampers at Babies Я Us.

 

Condom Dispenser couldn't see what the big deal was all about.

 

But Beer Vat couldn't get over it.

 

Finally, my Mom's filthy microwave just wished he were clean.

Spotted In A Cheap Hotel In Europe (Don't Ask)

An Imperial Stormtrooper has no frickin' idea who he's messing with.

Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "Hair Styler" kiosk in the Newbury Mall in Carlton, DE did while working on April 20, 2013:

 

 

• giggled while thinking about Michelle Obama's hairdo before the bangs

• gave two lost shoppers directions to the public restrooms

• fantasized about actor Bruce Greenwood again

• tried to use the word "y'all" in a sales pitch- to disastrous effect

The following is an accurate account of what Todd, attendant at the Radio Kontrol Fantasies kiosk in Jembry Mall in Jembry, AK did while working on April 26, 2013:

 

 • texted Elmer about the tooth

• left a voicemail with Elmer, asking about the tooth

• sent Elmer an email with the subject line "re: the tooth?????"

The following is an accurate account of what Monica S, attendant at the "Braid That Shit" kiosk in the Yancey Mall in Willowville, MD did while working on the afternoon of April 27, 2013:
 

 

• counted the hours till she could masturbate again

• made a mental note to get party hats

• gave the finger to little children when their parents weren't looking

• sneaked a few Corn Pops from her drawer

The following is an accurate account of what Dominic, attendant at the "Super Cell" kiosk in Annapolis Mall in Annapolis, MD did while working on April 30, 2013:

 

 

• counted that goddamn money like it was his

• fanned himself with $400 like he was a playa

• wondered what Nicole would say if she could see him now

• tried to hide his erection from passers by

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "La Parfumerie" kiosk in the Trenton Shopping Center in Dovetail, MS did while working on May 3, 2013:

 

• OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY

 

The following is an accurate account of what Kaitlyn, attendant at the "Drive and Talk" kiosk in the Massé Shopping Mall in Los Elenas, CA did while working on May 7, 2013:

 

• picked her ass out of her thong

• smelled her fingers after picking the thong out of her ass

• searched for Purel

The following is an accurate account of what Mathilde and Céline, attendantes at the "Candie Hoo Hoo" kiosk in the Waisyll Mall in Quebec, Canada did while working on May 13, 2013: 

 

• called their universal healthcare provider to make sure their information was up to date

• resumed that eternal debate about milk chocolate versus dark chocolate

• discussed Lumiere from "Beauty and the Beast"

• compared/adjusted their bras

• conjugated irregular verbs for the hell of it

The following is an accurate account of what Dark Raven, attendant at the unnamed iPhone case kiosk in the Maxie's Shopping Center in Milwaukee, WI did while working on May 21, 2013:  

 

• wrote more bad goth poetry

• conjured a malignancy curse against her parents and that new asshole substitute teacher

• beat her score on Subway Surfers

• planned her suicide on the new Wunderlist app

The following is an accurate account of what Gilhük, attendant at the Centrum+ Zdravi kiosk in the Gukksenschaverhaalmaart in Dresden, Germany did while working on May 25, 2013: 

 

• tillhöpped the fluggenschiedder

• Îngenhappfed the übersvekkenungenst

• åchfreigged her Brachenschioostentrakenskrågger

The following is an accurate account of what Misti and Kristi, attendants at the "Baked Kindness" kiosk in the Mall of Southern Maine in Bangor, ME will do while working on May 29, 2013: 

 

• bitch about not getting to sit on stools

• make lame jokes with the word "bundt"

• vomit at separate times, although neither of them is bulimic

• pretend to be besties even though they hate each other

• discuss pets and the need for them

• play that game that guys play where you make the other person look at the ring you made with your fingers and then fuck their boyfriend when they're out of town... that's how the game goes, right?