Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Laser Printer Was Feeling Blah


Laser Printer was feeling blah.


Salad tomato really took the news hard.


Packing tape dispenser couldn't believe his eyes.


Home Depot Bathroom Sink didn't give a shit.


Toilet paper dispenser was hiding from Pac-Man, who had just eaten a power pill.


Ladder was aghast (submitted by Emily Kane).


Still, the entire time, Cab Window was nonplussed (also by Emily Kane).

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

Special Hurricane Irene Post!

Since we are stuck at home due to the hurricane snarling all trains to NYC, let's review what we saw during Hurricane Irene news footage, shall we? No? Well, I'm doing it anyway. Fuck you guys.





Every channel had a Hurricane Irene logo for their newscast. Some were better than others.









Thursday, August 25, 2011

Slipped Under My Front Door Recently: The Race Card

Some flyers by (State) Senatorial candidate Jerome Dunn pretty blatantly ask me to vote for him just because he's black. Which even more cynically assumes that's the reason I voted for Obama.


Comparing his shitty house with that of opponent Ray Lesniak's sprawling mansion isn't really a great strategy, either. I mean, will Jerome Dunn be available to vote on important issues if he's too busy shooing raccoons from his crawlspace?


And "lives like a Republican?!" You mean to tell me there are no rich Democrats?! You are so adorably naive, Jerome Dunn. Pinch your cheek.

Hey, I know. I'll vote for a box turtle for Senator. It'll be HISTORIC. THE FIRST BOX TURTLE AS STATE SENATOR.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Meanwhile in Puerto Rico,


White people are still walking around famous Puerto Rican historic landmarks with full, undrunk cocktails like a pair of assholes.

Come To New York City

Where you can buy flip flops with brand names like Babe or Adadis.


Monday, August 22, 2011

I Can't FATHOM Who Would Watch This Crap (Get It?)


If you've ever been in an AMC movie theatre, you've probably seen ads for "Fathom Events," which apparently involves watching live events (like operas, plays, and concerts) that are located elsewhere on your local movie screen. So, for example, instead of seeing "La Boheme" at the Met, you can watch that same opera at a "Fathom Event" in a shitty, cola-stained screen at the AMC Riverdale 27. Why anyone would prefer this method over watching anything live is beyond me. But let's play devil's advocate for a second and list a few:


• You can finally watch Violetta Valery in "La Traviata" without having to change out of your "Who Farted?" t-shirt.

• A Red Hot Chili Peppers concert is finally enjoyable without that Flea smell.

• You can heckle a presentation of Neil Simon's "The Good Doctor" without any repercussions.

• It's way easier to videotape a bootleg show of The Jonas Brothers live when you're in a theatre.

• Now you can sneak into "Merchant Of Venice" right after watching "Zookeeper."

• Actors' pores.

• Wait, Twizzlers AND an Emmylou Harris concert? Fucking PINCH ME!

• Your disapproving mother who's convinced you're trying to be all highfalutin with yer culturin' and carryin' on with The Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet will be convinced you're not watching the Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet.

• Even if all those vicious rumors about bedbugs infesting the seats of the Kennedy Theatre were false, you wouldn't have to worry about it.

• You haven't experienced a Yo Yo Ma concert until you can hear explosions from a Jason Statham movie bleeding in from next door.

• See? Sioux Falls, South Dakota is a hub of culture and the arts!

• When you text your stupid bullshit texts during any *live* concert, not enough people around you get annoyed.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

DENIED AGAIN

CNN's Robin Meade's solo country album, as mentioned in this blog before, is still sold out at Target. Come on, Target stockpersons!


And I sure as hell am not going to just buy her album from iTunes. I want to enjoy the CD sleeve art.

Friday, August 19, 2011

We Meet Again, JOTB

So this morning I was downloading soundtracks from one of my favorite illegal websites, when I happened upon a title that still makes me cringe:



Both of you who follow EADJ on a regular basis might remember a movie with this title was reviewed in a 2009 Crappinema and has so far been considered the very worst movie of all the shitty movies we've reviewed.

But what's different here on this soundtrack is that it's an animated children's movie. And it's in 3-D!



The YouTube page for the trailer bills "Jock Of The Bushveld" as "South Africa's first 3-D Movie!" Wow! That's like Iceland's first bubble tea shop! Or Jamaica's first mortgage finance consulting firm! Where do I queue up?

Regardless of the fact that it's animated or has fancy depth, I'm going to assume this will be as excruciatingly boring as the live action movie I was subject to in 2009. A prospector befriends a dog. The dog dies. 120 min.

There is no way you can make that story last two hours and be enjoyable. And that includes throwing footage of Playboy Playmate Sara Jean Underwood eating penis-shaped popsicles in a cowgirl/cheerleader outfit made of cellophane. Besides, how appropriate for children would that be, really?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Rule Of Thumb

When the only thing holding you back from drinking an actual bucket of Coke is the size of your car cupholders, you're drinking too much Coke, fat boy.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

YOU NEED TASK CHAIR


HEY PUSSY

GOT A TASK TO DO? GET TASK CHAIR FIRST, BITCH. GET THAT TASK SHIT DONE RIGHT WITH YOUR ASS IN A TASK CHAIR. STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING COCKSUCKER.

IN A TASK CHAIR, YOUR STUPID ASS CAN GET ALL KINDS OF TASKS COMPLETED. LIKE ORGANIZING BILLS- DONE. COUPONS CLIPPED- DONE. ABORTIONS- DONE (NO JUDGMENTS IN TASK CHAIR).

YOUR SMALL PUSSY HEAD WILL FUCKING SPIN WITH ALL THE TASKS YOU WILL HAVE COMPLETED. LIKE LEARNING THE FUTURE PERFECT VERB TENSE WE JUST USED IN THAT LAST SENTENCE. FUCKING SICK, RIGHT? YOU ARE SUCH A PUSSY.

STOP BITCHING OUT AND TASK UP IN A GODDAMNED TASK CHAIR. GET. SHIT. DONE. THAT'S RIGHT, WE DID THAT THING WHERE EVERY WORD ENDED IN A PERIOD. YEAH, WE KNOW THAT'S PLAYED OUT, BUT WHY ARE YOU STILL BEING SUCH A PUSSY? THAT'S WHAT WE THOUGHT, SQUIRREL.

GET A TASK CHAIR, SON. GET YOUR LIFE TASKS DONE. AND HELL YES, WE MEANT THAT SHIT TO RHYME. ACT LIKE YOU KNOW, PUSSY.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Oh, Terrin and Christine!

Spotted at the customer service counter in a Maryland supermarket: a sheet of paper.




Hey, you two- if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean! Crazy kids.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Gracie The Bed Bug Detecting Dog Wishes She Could Speak

The following has been written by Gracie herself on a Mac Classic II computer.


As the canine partner and unofficial mascot of ACD Bed Bug Extermination LLC, I feel like my responsibilities are pretty big. But because of my lack of vocal communication (and to a certain degree, the greed of my owners) I feel like I'm powerless in a lot of situations.

I have been trained well-680 hours- by industry handlers to detect bed bugs. I attended the prestigious New Hampshire Canine Academy and even graduated Summa Cum Laude in both bed bug and termite detection certification. So my ability to find bed bugs shouldn't even be questioned here. What is at fault here are my co-employees.

When I barked at the bug sweep at 456 Hazel Street last April, it was because I was telling my handler Jeff that he left his pen on the resident's coffee table, which Jeff mistakenly took to mean "bed bugs are in the house!" Jeff promptly signed the residents up for a $300/month monitoring program. My apologies to that family.

In June at an upscale condo in Glenview, the nice old lady there offered me a piece of the quiche she was eating. I was like, "Hell yeah!" and wagged my tail. My handler Vicenzo saw my tail and ordered a complete gassing of the entire apartment. I heard later that that woman had to live in a Red Roof Inn for a week. I feel so awful for that nice lady. Vicenzo was out of line.

Then this week at the Hotel Intercontinental in Springfield, I smelled another dog shut in the manager's office. By the scent, she was pregnant and was going to have a litter in four hours. I could also hear her whining while the manager spoke to my handler Laura. I wanted to bark to let the manager know that dog was in agony, but at the same time I didn't want ACD Bed Bug Extermination LLC to charge the hotel that ridiculous $8000 corporate service fee. So I kept my mouth shut. Did I do the right thing? I still don't know.

I'm starting to suspect that my co-workers are less interested in whether I want a treat or enjoy a good rub on the belly from a stranger and more about THE BOTTOM LINE. I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY TO LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I AM DESPERATELY SORRY FOR ALL THE UNNECESSARY PAIN AND EXPENSE THAT MY COMPANY HAS AND CONTINUE TO CAUSE.

I DON'T MEAN TO TYPE ALL OF THIS IN ALL CAPS, BUT THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON THIS OLD COMPUTER IS STUCK.

-GRACIE

Friday, August 12, 2011

It's South Orange, Not South Green

Pictured below, a quick peek into a South Orange "recycling" garbage can reveals that it's all been a lie:



Very disheartening, South Orange City Hall.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

John Reid's Been Away From Full Time For Too Long

John Reid's been away from full time for too long.


John Reid's been away from full time for too long.

What Recession? What Financial Crisis?

Pictured below, a place for honest, hardworking people to spend their paychecks to provide for their grateful, deserving children.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Learning Annex Announces New Classes For Fall 2010


This year, like every year, The Learning Annex announces a new semester of obscure, useless classes taught by reluctant celebrities to people who have nothing better to do. Some of this year's courses:

"How To Fight For The Common Folk Whilst Still Sounding Like Zsa Zsa Gabor" with Ariana Huffington

"Tyrese Explains How His Character in 'Transformers' Was Different From Josh Duhamel's Character Other Than His Being Black" (with guest speaker Josh Duhamel)

"Creative Napkin Folding" with Macy Gray

"Bruce Willis Demonstrates 48 Different Ways To Smirk"

"Téa Leoni Explains To Her Fans Why They Find Her So Hot"

"Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, and Dick Cheney Talk To The Few People Left Who Think They Did Good"

"David Spade Shuts Up For a Goddamned Second"

"Perez Hilton Will Suck Your Dick For $50. No, Seriously. Make It $40."

"Cali Swag District's 14-Part Instructional Course: How To Dougie"

"Chelsea Handler On How To Be At Least Funnier Than Jimmy Fallon"

"Working With Contact Paper With Fabio"

"Matthew Lillard Shows You How To Make Macaroni Salad Instead of Starring In a Hit Movie"

"Hayden Christensen On The Art Of Acting LOL"

"Latoya Jackson Isn't Here To Teach, Actually- She's Here To Learn How To Napkin Fold With Macy Gray"

"Randy Quaid's 17 Steps To Going Batshit Crazy"

"Kenan Thompson Previews 478 New Unfunny SNL Characters"

"Christy Turlington Farts And It Smells Like Chanel No. 5"

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Whistle Through Your Teeth



Extend your lower jaw a little. Whistling through your teeth may make you look funny, but you can get a really powerful sound.

Pull back the corners of your mouth a little. Do not expose your bottom teeth, but you may expose your upper teeth if you wish.

Make sure your bottom lip is taut against your lower teeth. If you need help creating this tautness, you can press your index and middle fingers on either side of the mouth (on the outside of the mouth only, not inside the mouth).

Draw back the tongue so that it's about the same level of the lower teeth. Notice that your tongue is broader and flatter, leaving a small space between it and your teeth.

Inhale deeply, then blow, forcing air between the space left between your tongue and your teeth. Experiment by adjusting your jaw, the tautness of your lips and the position of your tongue until you make a sound. The sound may not be loud to begin with, and may resemble a tire losing air, but take heart; a whistle is close.

Keep practicing until the sound becomes both louder and clearer. Eventually, it will become that shrill, through-the-teeth whistle you aim for.

And speaking of loud whistling, I'm so glad my fares are pre-scheduled instead of some random asshole whistling for me like I drive a cab. That gets annoying.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Puerto Rico's Open Container Policy

A guess in Puerto Rico, people just walk wherever they want around town with an open (and FULL) drink.



And not only that, but they do so without looking where they're crossing.


Somebody's gonna die in Puerto Rico tonight. And it won't be from alcohol poisoning.