Unlike other Lobsterfest® days at Red Lobster, this day is special. Why? Because today we offer more NEW fantastic ways for lobster to be served to you, whereas yesterday we offered only the old shit, which was a total rip-off. So enjoy these hot-off-the-grill lobster selections during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster and get your lobster-on like a howler monkey with a raging boner:
• A man in a trenchcoat accosts you in our parking lot. He demands to see your identification without offering any of his own. When you refuse, he runs away, never to be seen again. Only later when you watch "America's Most Wanted" do you realize that was your old friend Nelson from junior high who sat next to you in Social Studies who is now wanted for grand larceny. Oh, Nelson, whatever went wrong in your life to bring you to this point? Now that is a quick way to enjoy some lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• We divide the restaurant into two groups: the "Sunni" and the "Shiite." The "Sunni" branch believes that the first four caliphs rightfully took place as the leaders of Muslims. "Shiites," in contrast, believe that only the heirs of the fourth caliph, Ali, are the legitimate successors. A healthy, spirited debate is encouraged between the two groups, all lovingly catered with generous portions of lobster. Another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster just happened right there. Did you catch it?
• Cocksucking motherfucker bitch. Shit cunt cunt fucker cock bitch-ass balls turd cock cock cock. Tits fuck titfucker cocksucking bitch fucking shit shit shit shit shit shitter. Shitter fuckfuck. Fucker fuck balls cock. Ballcock fucker tits. Tits motherfucking shit fuck fucker fuck shit shitter shitter shitter shit shit shit cock fucker shit shit fart fuck fucker farter fucker. Now that's just another way to enjoy our lobster at Lobsterfest® exclusively at Red Lobster!
• We hire a team of mimes to act out the entire Lobsterfest® menu to you, which takes about 45 minutes. We don't allow you to interrupt the presentation, however, and start from the very beginning if you even raise a finger to ask us a question about the menu. Through repetition and silent reinforcement, your family slowly learns the lobster menu by heart and can start even communicating to each other without speaking. Also, lobster fritters. Now, how about that there for an offering of lobster at Lobsterfest at Red Lobster?
• You know those "Redbox" video rental vending machines that you see poor people standing in front of? That, but with delicious steamed lobster meat inside. Also, no poor people. Jesus would bless this offering of lobster at Red Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.
• A severely deformed man holding a wicker basket of lobster meat limps from table to table, "selling" lobster although everyone in the restaurant has already ordered their meals. People laugh nervously, not sure if the man is part of Lobsterfest® but also afraid to laugh too hard, so as not to look like they were making fun of the deformed man. Lobsterfest® lobster at Red Lobster? Yep!
• We overtake a quaint European village and slather the place with butter. The villagers' homes and farms are virtually wiped out, as families of villagers weep openly at the loss of their livelihoods. But when our servers walk out with heaping platters of scrumptious lobster meat, the younger villagers rejoice at the delicious meal before them. But the older villagers know better. That there is one huge new way that Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is serving up the lobster goods!
• One of our regional managers- the one who had the lowest profit margins from Q3- walks into the middle of the restaurant, kneels, and apologizes profusely for bringing dishonor to his region. Patrons will gasp in horror as the disgraced manager whips out a pen and signs his own poor evaluation form. Ha! I bet you thought we were going to make him kill himself, right? See, that's where you underestimate enjoying lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.
• We bake lobsters into a gigantic muffin, which we roll down a hill. The muffin dents parked cars along the way and even kills a few trees. The big muffin slows to a halt, and out pops the cast of the movie "Sucker Punch:" Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Carla Gugino and Jamie Chung. They all take off their clothes and start sucking my dick. Holy shit, that would be awesome. Another fine way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
No comments:
Post a Comment