Friday, November 30, 2007

Feed a Meter, Eat a Dick


Joel got punched in the throat by a meter maid.

The incident happened yesterday on La Cienega Blvd when Joel was parking his Ford Festiva outside of Republic Restaurant + Lounge for a Terrible Screenwriters Guild dinner. A posted sign stated "No parking from 11am-5pm Mondays thru Fridays" and Joel parked at 5:10pm. In the middle of dinner, he left the restaurant for a smoke, and a meter maid was writing him a ticket!

Joel understandably got upset and started to argue with the meter maid. He explained that he had parked at a legal time and didn't deserve a ticket. The meter maid started ripping up the ticket and casually asked Joel what he does for a living.

He told her he's a screenwriter– that he's written for shows like "According To Jim" and "Wicked Wicked Games." That's when the meter maid punched him in the throat.

(pictured above, Joel's Chinese cousin Xiu Huang Whatever wins a cockdog eating contest)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

A Gross Mystery, Part 3: At World's End


Mel in Denver writes:
"If you do a CSI enlargement of the nails in question, you will notice that one side of the nail is very jagged. Thus those nails were not clipped. They were bitten off. So no clipper was used."

"Find your biter and you'll find your mystery person," he added. Mel then took a pensive puff from his ivory pipe and sent his footman into the fog to fetch his carriage.

A Gross Mystery. Part 2: Gross Harder

As of this writing, those nasty finger or toenails are still on Beth's office floor.


For comparison's sake, here's Lorraine's nails:


And an attempt was made at a meeting to capture Beth's. This proved very challenging because Beth talks with her hands all the time. Annoying.


But we finally got a shot.


Joanne (not pictured yet) thinks somebody came in and clipped their nails in Beth's office. Others (me) think Beth did. Tom has a third theory:

"They might have been there since she moved in, depending on how often they vacuum around here."

To further add to the confusion, here's a picture of an apple in the toilet:


What do you think, faithful EADJ reader?

**Sort of update**

Tom: "i just went up to bstone's and realized it would be weird for her to clip her nails in her office's guest chair, thus all but ruling out beth as a possible suspect"

A Nocturnal Wedding Tip For Jessica

A figure in the shadows gives Jessica a Wedding Tip. video

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Let's Refuse To Take The EADJ Mail Sack To McDonald's Because It Wasn't Behaving In Church!

Submitted a long time ago by Larry Liss, Rich Mules gets down like a cloth pepper.


He looks like he poops a pepper top at the end.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Let's Kick the EADJ Mail Sack Out of Bed After Sex, Saying We Have a Big Meeting At Work Tomorrow!

Submitted by J'Net, a long and filthy email that she received when she was in college at Winthrop University in South Carolina (It's worth the read).




Monday, November 26, 2007

Never buy a DVD from Amazon.


At least not one from any third party vendor via Amazon. That's the lesson I learned recently when buying the excellent "300" DVD.

I was about to buy the thing for $13.99 but then noticed that there were 115 used and new for only $9.59? Wowzers!


Clicking on this section brings you a host of third party vendors who sell their warez (sic) through Amazon. You can tell they're reputable by their FIVE STAR ratings and their virtually 100% positive feedback. Man, why buy from Amazon when you can get it cheaper from one of these fellows? They're trustworthy enough to babysit your dog, right? You see where this is going, right?

So I get a DVD in the mail. I pop the disc in the DVD player, and it chugs and farts like Dan Consiglio's movie at that screening at that bar which lost a lot of money for Melinda did.

Upon closer inspection, I realize it's an illegal bootleg. Not a horrible DVD-R with a gimpily scrawled Sharpie label, mind you, but a screen-printed DVD in a sleeve with screen-printed artwork. Professional shit. But shit nonetheless.

I get on Amazon.com and try to track down the vendor "kc_books_and_media," to complain, but thanks to Amazon's layout, you can't track vendors by name. Only when leaving feedback. So I leave the following feedback:


A few days later, I get an (untraceable) email via Amazon:

Hello David,

I am very sorry that you had a problem with your DVD, and to be honest with you, I have never had anyone say this title wouldn't play on their DVD player. I don't know what you received, but I will most defintely send you out a brand new set today. And I am very sorry for whatever had happened to make the DVD not play. We don't sell bootlegs and I will get you a new set out today, by express mail.

Sincerely,

Amy Jenkins
KC books & media



The next day I got another email from "Amy:"


Hello David,

I wanted to apologize again to you for you getting what seems to be a bad disc. I just finished packing your replacement set, and the Express Mail tracking number is going to be online in the next hour, or as soon as I can possibly make it to the post office.
I never intentionally sent you anything that didn't work, and if you had tried to email me and didn't get an answer, I am very sorry. I have had problems keeping up with my emails since I had to get rid of my shipping clerk, due to too many mistake.
That may have upset you and if that is the case, I am very sorry.
I have worked for about a year to build up my Amazon account, tried my best to make all my customers happy, and I know you were frustrated, I understand. But this type of feedback basically destroys my business, completely and totally. I am getting you a new set from our regular stock, which is hopefully what you received in the first place, but I'm not sure why the disc would not play and I haven't see this happen before with the "300" movie. I am basically at your mercy, and if you would be so kind as to remove the feedback you left, then it would help me more than you could ever imagine. Since if it stays there, my 2 small daughters won't have a place to live pretty soon, since Amazon is my life, and without it, I would have nothing. I will also put a stamped, self-addressed package in with the package so that you can send back this defective set.

The tracking number of your new set is:
EB668772622US

Sincerely,

Amy Jenkins
KC Books & Media



And send it she did:


Did this copy play on my DVD player? Yes. Is this copy a bootleg? Who knows. But breath assure I'm never buying a DVD from one of these "Mom 'n Pop" vendors again. Will Amy Jenkins' two daughters have to live on the streets and turn into pickpocket urchins? Not anytime soon; the DVD copies these shysters sell are so good that they fool the average buyer (Shit, most people wouldn't notice if their DVD wasn't widescreen). But I'm surprised about Amy Jenkins worrying about her daughters becoming homeless when she herself turned kc_books_and_media's shipping clerk out on the streets, and right before Christmas! Have you no heart, Amy Jenkins, you dishonest-bootlegging-vendor-who's-probably-an-18-year-old-boy?

New EADJ Series: What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind

Friday, November 23, 2007

Poo Bags!



In a bizarre turn of events, Joel had the chance to meet beleaguered female rapper Remy Ma.

Joel was innocently shopping at Fatbeats on Melrose, looking for some new breakbeats to eat dick to, when in comes Remy Ma and her entourage! Remy Ma was in L.A. for an interview with Source magazine. She had to return to New York in a few days to face charges of shooting a friend over $2000.

Joel immediately recognized her and started spouting some crap about him being her number one fan and whatever, and Remy wasn't having it. Joel was also blocking the section she was trying to browse through, so she got all "Whut?" and Joel was all like "You're the best or whatever!" Then Remy started reaching for her gat, then Joel pissed his pants and went home without buying that new breakbeat compilation from Mixman.

(pictured above, J'Net does a pretty good job writing her own bio for work, except for the fact that she misspells the name of the agency she works for. She must have gotten Duvall's friend Cola to edit it.)

Thursday, November 22, 2007

A Gross Mystery.

This is Beth's desk.


And this is the area in front of Beth's desk:





So I told Beth about the toenails or fingernails in front of her desk. And she said, "They're probably Lorraine's. She bites her nails a lot."

But here's Lorraine:


So what the fuck?

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Who Farted? NBC Monday Lineup Styley

The networks love posting huge photos of their primetime lineups at Grand Central Station. Their little way of showing you what you're missing at home while you wait for the train.

Heroes has lots of cast members. So any poster of the show is going to show at least 15 of them. This always makes for a lively game of "Who Farted?" So let's meet the players:


Little boy who can control all electronics and mysterious, protective Dad of cheerleader. Both look accusatory without a speck of self-consciousness. Probably not them.

Asian Art Garfunkel looking distracted and hopeful, with just a hint of a smile. It's not a stretch that it could be him.


Intense, mind-reading cop. The furrowed brow, the pursed lips– yeah, this is the frontrunner for sure.


Hot blonde playing boring hot blonde with boring powers. She's looking suspicious, but that might be just her eyebrow pluck job.


Dreamy Indian dude looking trance-like and delirious. A solid (or gaseous) contender! Ha ha! You see what I did there?


Two bobbleheads looking in different directions as if they didn't fart, but you suspect they probably did. Hiro should be whistling, too.


Overall Who Farted Factor:
9 out of 10. Lots of suspects, with a satisfying resolution. (sung) Unlike the shooow...

Most Likely Fart Suspect: I'm going to have to go with the intense cop. He used his mind powers to cloud (pardon the pun) the judgment of the others, so that they're looking everywhere but at him.


**BONUS ROUND**


The players: Hot long-haired brunette, dude that I could've sworn was Anthony Michael Hall, and hot bob-haired brunette.

"Who farted" factor: 3 out of 10. Blame it on the poor composition or the poor acting, but there's not a lot of intrigue here.

Most likely fart suspect: The long-haired one. She used the wall behind her to deflect the cloud over to the bridge. Nice bank shot.

**EDITOR'S UPDATE** The caption that reads "Ali Landry" should actually read Ali Larter. EADJ regrets the error, although you'd probably understand the mix-up, because they're both boneriffic.

A Message From Pewter Bear


Oh, fuck me.

Pewter Bear, that WAS the 400th entry. We were saving that for The Dickside Chats, Part Four. You just wasted our commemorative 400th entry with your stupid fucking cake and pewter hat. GOD, I HATE YOU!!!!!

Die, you urine-soaked cockfork! Don't EVER chime in again, you hear me? Don't ever even visit this goddamn blog again! Next time, we see you, you're DEAD!! You're DEAD! Now, make like a tree, and FUCK OFF!

Monday, November 19, 2007

The Dickside Chats, Part Three (Entry #398)



In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, balls, and general kung fu stances on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very homestyle, very mellifluous series:

Joel:... (continued from Friday's entry) Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

Andrew:
(Passing Joel bowl of dick) Point taken. Besides, the opinions of those who chomp cock are pretty much nonpartisan by default, yes? Thought so. Anyhoosies, there's been something on my mind for a little while now, and it's only grown more glaring in recent weeks, following the sink jerking developments. How does the bullshit list fit in with EADJ? Are they two circles that intersect? How do you see this playing out?

Joel: Frankly, Susan, I'd love for EADJ to grow its readership beyond the bullshit list. And that's probably going to require me to become a famous screenwriter. I'm sorry, is this dick organic?

(pictured above, a high angle spares us a shot of Andrew's Dad's balls; Andrew's Dad shows us a sock)

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Dickside Chats, Part Two (Entry #397)




In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, cocks, and general foofaraw on this eponymous blog. This is part two of a very enthralling, very penetrating series:

Joel: (continued from Friday)...the dominant paradigm ensures in its victory its own destruction. So, too, must EADJ evolve past just dicks in my mouth. As for what Dean Hacohen would say, I think it would be, "Are you gonna finish that?" And I'd say, "Yes Dean, I am. Stop asking."

Andrew: Good point. I am seeing paradigms continue to shift as well--with so many dicks constantly occupying the area in and around your mouth, I'm surprised you noticed. Kudos. Here's something else to chew on: there's something out there in cyberspace referred to as "eadj counter" looks mysterious and I don't speak that language. What do you make of it?

Joel: I think my chimp servant, Chad Yarborough, does that. He's a polyglot, if you include fortran as a third language. I don't know what the website is for. Hey, I just realized, you're both named Chad! Small world. You two should hang out. Hanging chads--is that too political? Let's keep this light. No more political questions.

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad models the latest Seattle and/or Ukrainian fashion)

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Dickside Chats, Part One (Entry #396)


In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, thoughts, and general feedback on this eponymous blog. This is part one of a very special, very intimate series:

Andrew: Ladies and gentleman, I find myself in a very special place today--conversing with Joel himself on the eve of historic post #400. Joel, to start things off: did you ever imagine that things would reach this apex? I mean, we've been through everything from you eating dick to chimp servants to tyanna to you eating additional dick to corner bakery table tent workouts to you eating mondo dick to utilizing watches "for scale." Did you ever imagine the "legs" that EADJ has exhibited, and is there any reason NOT to expect things to continue unabated?

Joel: Did I imagine EADJ having "legs"? Well, perhaps a third one. I'm here all week! Try the veal! Seriously, Giles--can I call you Giles? You misuse the word "apex": I think this website has only just begun to live. White lace and promises. A kiss for luck and we're on our way.

Andrew: Alright. My apologies for the grammar snafu. Let’s keep going. Many loyal readers and non-dick-eating featured subjects or bit players on EADJ have at one time or another been contacted as a result of being located on the blog. Michelle’s stalker that looks like David comes to mind. What do you think are the ramifications of being able to track down someone via EADJ? Have we stumbled upon a new, streamlined process for finding people? Is it dangerous? What would Dean Hacohen say? Is it hard to talk with a dick constantly in your mouth?

Joel:
Longer questions aren't better questions, Brent. You're not giving me a dick. Goodnight! And tip your servers! I think it's important that EADJ constantly destroys itself, to rise again as something new, and relevant. The dominant paradigm ensures in its victory its own destruction. So, too, must EADJ evolve past just dicks in my mouth. As for what Dean Hacohen would say, I think it would be, "Are you gonna finish that?" And I'd say, "Yes Dean, I am. Stop asking."

Keep reading in the coming days for more of "The Dickside Chats."

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad checks out the latest "Savage Love")

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Found Item!

This business card on the Atlantic / Pacific platform in the subway:


You know, minor spelling error aside, I can respect the dude whose every skill listed on his business card is an attempt to get laid. Cheers, Andre!

Why Do Dicks Suddenly Appear / Every Time / Joel Opens His Mouth?


A dickmaking class? What is that?

Joel saw the flyer for a dickmaking class at the community center in Modesto and was instantly interested. What better way to ensure the constant eating of dick by actually making it? He could be self-sufficient, like, forever!

So he was definitely excited (and hungry like a mother) when he showed up on Tuesday night at 7:30pm in the Barbados conference room.

And what he beheld was nothing like of which he had never done seen: rows and rows of people fashioning dick from yarn, meat and balloons. Big ones, small ones, some with cartoon eyes, and for some odd reason, one with dicks for legs.

Before the lady at the registration table could stop him, Joel had pounced on the first table in sight and began devouring dick like a really good simile. He thrashed and bounced around the room with dozens of dicks in his mouth. People were screaming and running.

Details get really fuzzy from there, but word has it Joel somehow escaped the hub-bub with over 6,000 dicks in hand and was last spotted at a picnic table in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest in Northern California.

(pictured above, Tom W demonstrates the correct way to wait for the bus at the "Hampton Jitney" 40th and 3rd Ave. bus stop while some old biddies sit the wrong way like a couple of assholes)

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Oh Curlz You Di-in't!


Joel doesn't dust.

That's what his chimp servant Chad Yarborough found out when it tried to ask Joel to help out for once. It had a pilates class to teach and couldn't get around to cleaning the apartment. Joel said he was too busy "researching a screenplay" as he watched the Bionic Woman marathon with his dick in his hand.

Joel being unwilling to help forced his chimp servant clean forced it to cancel class, thus cheating it out of $400.

Later that night, Joel didn't notice it, but there was a hint of chimp pee in his pesto ravioli.

(pictured above, using Curlz is bad enough. But using Curlz in ALL CAPS is even worse– especially in The Matrix)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Introducing: Foster's Law

Foster's Law: When Jessica is around a banana, the probability of a dick joke being made approaches one.

Let's Spread the EADJ Mail Sack Open With Our Fingers, Then Hock a Loogey Into It To Lubricate It!

(below, a submission by our Boulder correspondent Mel Kreilein: John Reid's mongo jar of muscle protein with a wristwatch, you know, for scale.)


Writes Mel:

"Von Steed and his Mass Tech

bwahahahahah.

He's gonna kill me."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Let's punch the EADJ Mail Sack to assert our power over it!


(The following was a CHI ALL email sent by Jessica Foster the other day)

------ Forwarded Message
From: Jessica Foster
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2007 13:34:49 -0600
To: #CHI_ALL <#CHI_ALL@C-K.com>
Conversation: Missing Fake Chicken
Subject: Missing Fake Chicken

Hello!
I brought an unopened box of MorningStar Veggie Chick Patties to work to EAT all week. They are MIA. If anyone has any leads regarding this tragedy please let me know.

Thanks,
Very Hungry Art Director

"Yes I sent this to chi all," Jessica writes, "Yes I did."

(The following was a response sent by Pat Nathan to Jessica)

From: Pat Nathan
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2007 14:04:14 -0600
To: Jessica Foster
Conversation: Missing Fake Chicken
Subject: RE: Missing Fake Chicken

I didn't take your veggie patties.

pn

OWN the RELATIONSHIP!

Blean Blablohen gives a pep talk to Sergio and whoever else is still listening.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Strike Out, Joel.





Things that Joel has learned over the course of the Writer's Strike:

Day one: Not working is kind of fun!

Day two: My toes are kind of webbed if you look at them in the right light.

Day three: Nikki and Victor are an eternally doomed couple on The Young and the Restless

Day four: Unrefrigerated Vong's Thai Kitchen leftovers don't keep or taste too good.

Day five: Writer's agents don't call as often when writers are striking.

Day six: Loneliness is disorienting and Silvia Plath poems make more sense.

Day seven: My testicles smell worse when you use Pine Sol.

Day eight: Wow. Silvia Plath totally gets it all.

Day nine: Being broke isn't as heroic and honorable as those Okie Dust Bowl people say.

Day ten: Dick still tastes awesome. A comfort in these times.

(pictured above, the new trend in album cover art– just putting someone's big fat face on the cover)

As Rare and Beautiful As a White Elk.


(pictured above, one of those rare occasions where Curlz looks demure and classy by comparison)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

A Local Nuisance.

There's this bus stop on the corner of 40th and 3rd Avenue that for some reason has a bench facing the wrong way. So people who have to wait for the eastbound bus have to sit like assholes facing away from the street.


Having to ride the bus is pretty demoralizing to begin with, but to be forced to sit the wrong way like a total asshole seems cruel and unusual.


Of course, free will is involved here– you can choose to be sensible and stand so that you can see the bus coming. Or you can sit on a poorly-planned bus bench like some kind of asshole. Your choice.