A Few Things To Keep In Mind When Waiting A Long Time Surrounded By Balloons

1) Cheer up– there are balloons around you!

2) Whatever it is you're waiting for will come eventually. There's no need to take your frustrations out on the balloons.

3) Think on the bright side– you could be waiting somewhere that doesn't have balloons.

4) There have to be hundreds of ways to occupy your time with balloons until whatever you're waiting for arrives or happens. Literally hundreds.

5) Did we mention that there are balloons around you?

6) If you're thinking of sighing because you've been waiting a long time, just use that sigh to inflate a balloon instead. Everybody wins.

7) This is fun: if you have to wait a very long time, the balloons slowly sinking as a result of the helium depleting can act as a sort of timekeeping device.

8) Now would be an excellent time to start a game of solitaire. Because anyone who would normally give you unsolicited advice about placing red six on black seven would be screened out by the balloons.

9) Say "balloon" out loud to yourself a few times. Around the eighteenth time, it doesn't even sound like a real word. Bah-loon.

10) If you happen to be actually waiting for balloons, YOUR WAIT IS OVER!

These and many other tips are made possible by the New York Council of Waiting Amidst Balloons.

Possibly a New EADJ Feature: JERFIELD!

We took word balloons from the character Jon in "Garfield" and put them on Jerald Johnson's photo. The results so far have been spectacular.

(click to enlarge)



Works with "Andy Capp" and "Peanuts" word balloons, too!

Spotted At Dollar General, Part 2

Yesterday we featured some balloons at Dollar General that offered the oh-so-crazy colors white and burgundy. BURGUNDY.

We gave it a think, and here are some possible occasions we came up with to use BURGUNDY balloons:

• Ron BURGUNDY'S birthday party

• A wine tasting that's classy but not that classy

• Retirement party for a co-worker that none of you really liked

• A CONGRATS ON YOUR UNSIGHTLY BRUISE party

• Balloon arch for a library orgy

• Intervention

 

Advertising Synergy!

Found in a package of Easy Einstein Water Balloons, a tip-in brochure for JEWELRY. Whaaa?

An advertisement for the Sterling Collections Infinite Love Ring, a romantic piece festooned with 22 hand-set cubic zirconia gems, along with a ring sizer diagram.

On top of that, it asks you to MAIL IN YOUR ORDER of $10 and $6.99 postage to a P.O. Box like it's the 1970s. Who is this for? And who is reading this ad a mere seconds before being beaned by 100 water balloons?

A Smecial Dreams Entry, With A Bonus Comparison Of The iPhone iOS6 and iOS7

iOS6: Lots of shading, bevels on buttons, "aqua" look on chat balloons, and bold, block fonts.

iOS7: Pared down and simpler graphics all around- no unnecessary shading on the battery icon, chat balloons or bevel in the time of day display. Lighter, airier fonts. Operates way slower and drains the battery like a motherfucker.

Other Crap That Came Out Of Stacey Dash's Mouth

Actress Stacey Dash has lately made herself a reliable source of controversy due to comments she makes as a pundit on the Fox News channel. Her seemingly contrary positions on Black History Month, BET,  transgender bathroom rights ("Go in the bushes."), and Paula Deen have people wondering what other positions she has taken. EADJ has done some fake research, and here are a few:


• She's convinced the Toyota girl, the AT&T girl, and Flo from Progressive are all secret lesbians.

• She won't look into a bathroom mirror in the dark and say "Barack Obama" three times, because that means he'll appear and provide affordable healthcare to all Americans.

• She thinks Kim Jong Il has cute dimples

• Donald Trump is a patient, thoughtful, humble politician who's reluctantly running for President because he feels the shrinking middle class has lost a voice in Washington.

• Helium makes balloons sink.

• She believes 9/11 was perpetrated by Gremlins, who by the way are atheists.

• Because of the lyrics to the song "Every Breath You Take," she has put a 1000-yard restraining order on Sting.

• Stacey Dash sides with the Joker and Penguin on almost every episode of "Batman."

• You like the vertical striped curtains? Stacey Dash liked the horizontal stripes better.

• She says Listerine is run by Jews who are trying to rid your gums of "good, Christian germs."

• She thought Season 2 of "True Detective" was awesome.

• Solar energy is a direct hippie Muslim attack on honest, hardworking oil companies who love the Lord.

• Alicia Silverstone is a good actress.

Some Movie Ideas Culled From the Names of Carnival Rides at the Jersey Shore

Hollywood has exhausted all original and adapted content, turning everything from Shakespearean plays, comic strips and even "reading is fun" posters in school libraries into full length feature films. Desperate, the major studios have recently turned to a placard at the Jersey Shore that tells you how much rides cost for the latest crop of blockbuster properties:

***Already made into movies: Carousel, Bounce, Convoy, Train, Tornado, Moby Dick.

"Motor Jumps" starring Kelly Preston, Justin Theroux, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and Hugh Jackman

A BMX pro racer (Jackman) must prove he can still compete with younger, more extreme competitors. Kelly Preston plays his wife/manager who gets him on the right course to positive thinking and BMX winning!

"Samba Balloons" starring Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara, Scarlett Johansson and Kat Dennings
Directed by Paul Verhoeven
(No plot needed)

"Wave Swinger" starring French Stewart, Joseph Gordon Leavitt, John Lithgow, Kristen Johnston, and Jane Curtin. Directed by Fred Savage
This prequel to "3rd Rock From The Sun" features all the original cast, whose performances were motion captured and rendered to look a lot younger. SEE FRENCH STEWART GESTICULATE IN IMAX 3D!!!!!!

"Dizzy Dragons" starring Josh Hutcherson, Teresa Palmer and Gretchen Mol. Directed by Atom Egoyan
This tragic drug-addiction drama follows three young people who turn to heroin after the Sharper Image store they work for closes down. Michael Ironside plays the stoic but concerned strip mall manager "Mikey."

"Bulgy" starring Johnny Depp. This musical version of the recent gangster movie "Black Mass" chronicles the ups and downs of Whitey Bulger's criminal career in song. Music by Stephen Sondheim. Lyrics by Slash.

New Funding Projects Now on Kickstarter

Every business needs capital to get started. And Kickstarter has announced the latest new ventures looking for funding from you. Feel free to contribute to help these business ideas get off the ground:

• Thongs made entirely from seashells

• Jeans that are so skinny they go inside your legs

• Sodium-free spice for steaks that is definitely not repackaged Mrs. Dash

• Special gender reveal party balloons that incinerate everyone in a 30 ft. radius

• Instruction book "How To Seduce Your Office's H.R. Manager"

• Unique camera zoom lenses that also double as thermoses when it's cold

• Temporary tattoos that say FOREVER

Some Grossly Uninformed Movie Plot Summaries

I really need to broaden my horizons and learn Turkish or Tamil or Hindi or Farsi or something in order to understand this set of foreign (mostly Iranian) DVD covers. Until then, here are my best uneducated guesses what these foreign (mostly Iranian) flicks are about:

"Mustache Prison Camp"

This hilarious romp follows Ig, Thwel and Dorba as they try to break out of an Old Delhi prison camp by having one of them impersonate 1999 Internet sensation Mahir Cagri. "I kiss you!"

"Sitar Hero"

Enrique Sweaterwearer tries to break out of the shadow of his pop star father Julio Sweaterwearer and find his own voice, even finding love along the way. Featuring a cameo by Haskjdkjfskj Gajdijaidjjaidjijad.

"About Last Night Shyamalan"

A popular Indian director leaves Hollywood, USA to find his roots and steal some story ideas from some children in a meadow. Twist ending: he's actually Bangladeshi!

"Mission Impepperoni"

Seven average shlubs and one crazy sick incredibly HOT chick with gorgeous eyes try to start their own pizza delivery service using piano wire and some dick balloons. Almost all of them end up vomiting grape alphabet soup onto their shirts.

"Nova Zembla"

Charles Zembla searches the three seas of Holland to find his lost wife and confidante Nova. Once he finds her, he shares with her all the nasty things that his immediate supervisor Cory keeps saying about how his hair needs some product. Now in 3D and smell-o-vision.

"Glasses, Glasses, What?"

This four second short film from Iran features "the Iranian Ray Liotta" Mohsen Hasan running through an Iranian Pearle Vision Center and trying on two pairs of glasses and accidentally one pair of sunglasses. This film is not yet color corrected.

"Sigi Jloiji"

This Iranian version of "What About Bob?" features the Iranian Bill Murray pestering the Iranian Richard Dreyfuss as he tries to relax at his lakeside cabin. This version, however, is not a comedy and features some very serious discussion about personal privacy and Iranian Asperger's.

"Stare Until The Audience Blinks"

The wax busts of the Iranian Charlie Sheen and the Iranian Piers Morgan dare the theatre audience to blink before they do. The audience member that lasts the longest gets to have their wax bust created for the sequel, "Stare Until The Audience Blinks Again."

"Requirement Of Marriage"

All's fair in love and courtship as Aref Farhat attempts to land the girl of his dreams while avoiding the gold digging Kahar-dash'ian sisters. Will he save up enough money to start his own frozen yogurt kiosk?



"Who Farted?"

This multiple-ending film tracks the (bowel) movements of five poker players and through clever editing, reveals who farted in the elevator to the parking lot. Was it Farnoud the IT expert? Harun the crooked businessman? Labina the nurse and clay sculptor? Iraj the other fat one? Or Flo Rida (no relation) the woman who loves to eat dried peaches and fermented dates?

"Third Floor"

Two childhood friends comfort each other for winning all of their country's movie festivals but not getting into Sundance.

"F-----------|--E"

This movie is like "Fast and Furious" with motorcycles. Low on gas- a rare thing in a country with a fossil fuel based economy- Tam and Jake make money joining illegal underground motorcycle drift race competitions. Tam is afraid that Jake is only one bad stoppie away from losing it all.

"Breakable"

The impressive Photoshopped face of Ali Zibaei is so intense, he can smash through plate glass without closing his eyes. Yeah, boy, he's earned his popped collar.

"Princples"

Two elmenry schol teachrs discovr that the printr of all their schol's materiels got almost evry word wrong in the new texbooks. Throuh the help of spelcheck and a dictonary, they manage to corect almost every word in order to win a white 1998 Honda Feista.

20 Things Cuter Than Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande

If you follow entertainment news even slightly, you've heard of the engagement between SNL's Pete Davidson and pop superstar Ariana Grande. And yes, they sure are an adorable couple, but to put things in perspective, here are 20 things that are still actually cuter than those two:

• travel-size computer mice

• daisies with happy faces on them

• this ball boy

• a puppy wearing a diaper with puppies on it

• the smaller Fry Guy from those old McDonald's commercials

• water balloons that weren't filled all the way so they're just the size of a plum

• strip mall post offices

• flip phones now

• any diagram that shows how artesian wells work

• the Sanrio version of Thanos

• paper cups that have a little teacup handle

• babies with huge afros

• any Pac-Man musical interlude

• yogurt raisins

• the tilde

• your heart rate after a nap

• Pyewacket Lane in Waterford, VA

• those Capri-Sun-like wine pouches

• that last part on American Ninja where you have to run up a curved hill

• the fact that you will 100% likely mispronounce the name of any Irish town

New York. The Most Exciting City in The World.

Spotted on the northbound 4 train, a guy psychs himself up to deliver some balloons.

Happy Labor Day!

To help with today's festivities, Joel has offered a few Labor Day party tips:

• When hanging Labor Day streamers and balloons, use a higher ladder than necessary so that you can keeping eating dick, also.

• Labor Day decorations like 'Happy Labor Day' banners and dioramas can be found at your local Labor Day Store at the strip mall, over by that place where I eat dick all the time.

• Eat dick

• Shouting "Happy Labor Day" while chowing down dick is often muffled. But people pretty much get the point of what you're saying.

• Some good ideas for Labor Day costumes: "Dick-eater." "Dick-diner." And that's pretty much all I can come up with.

• The annual Labor Day Parade on Main Street is a cherished tradition. Look for me on the float shaped like a dolphin.

• Dick punch is the equivalent of egg nog for Labor Day. No, I mean punch with dick in it, not punching somebody's dick. That's wasting food.

• Some people get depressed this time of year because they're alone. If you're one of these people, throw one of those empowering, defiant "Anti-Labor Day" parties at a local bar. That'll show everyone. Also, eat some dick to make you feel better.

• Eat dick

• Eat dick

• Leave any dick you don't eat for me. I mean, sharing is the true spirit of Columbus Day... I mean Labor Day. Whatever.

Spotted at Dollar General

Look at the fun, festive colors that Funsational Balloons offers: white and burgundy.

Burgundy.

BURGUNDY.

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Goo goo fuck you."

"Well, Karla, I guess you reap what you sow... in bed."

"Can a Roomba do this?" *takes top off*

"A classic tale of Girl Meets Poi"

"Okay, okay, I confess, Christine. I'm a professional clown. I dress up goofy and spray people in the face with a fake flower. I wear comically oversized shoes and pretend to slip on banana peels that aren't there. I ride around with 60 other clowns in a Mazda Miata, and yes, I do throw pies in people's faces and yes, I can sculpt literally anything out of long, squeaky balloons, but I do know this... I know that I am falling in love with you."

"Well, call me a triceratops, because I'm definitely horny!"

New EADJ Segment

From the makers of Waiting Around Balloons,

EATING ICE CREAM ALONE!


EATING ICE CREAM ALONE!


EATING ICE CREAM ALONE!

Why Do Dicks Suddenly Appear / Every Time / Joel Opens His Mouth?

A dickmaking class? What is that?

Joel saw the flyer for a dickmaking class at the community center in Modesto and was instantly interested. What better way to ensure the constant eating of dick by actually making it? He could be self-sufficient, like, forever!

So he was definitely excited (and hungry like a mother) when he showed up on Tuesday night at 7:30pm in the Barbados conference room.

And what he beheld was nothing like of which he had never done seen: rows and rows of people fashioning dick from yarn, meat and balloons. Big ones, small ones, some with cartoon eyes, and for some odd reason, one with dicks for legs.

Before the lady at the registration table could stop him, Joel had pounced on the first table in sight and began devouring dick like a really good simile. He thrashed and bounced around the room with dozens of dicks in his mouth. People were screaming and running.

Details get really fuzzy from there, but word has it Joel somehow escaped the hub-bub with over 6,000 dicks in hand and was last spotted at a picnic table in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest in Northern California.

(pictured above, Tom W demonstrates the correct way to wait for the bus at the "Hampton Jitney" 40th and 3rd Ave. bus stop while some old biddies sit the wrong way like a couple of assholes)

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 2

 Previous "Where Are They Now?" entry here.

Former 80s swimsuit model Ginger Cuts left the world of fashion to get married and start her own Etsy velcro patch empire. She is currently the reigning queen of unlicensed Ghostbusters PVC patches. 

Vigoro Mulch walked away from a rising career in Hollywood as a leading man and action star to start a pony farm in West Virginia. He currently lives in a cabin with no toilet but with four above-ground pools.

Whatever happened to Chakra Reiki? Her bestselling children's spiritual books are still sold worldwide, but Chakra doesn't collect any royalties. She now runs one of those bars where you throw axes at a wall, and apparently business is doing pretty well. 

Taveta Golden Weaver was widely known as the crown princess of YouTube life hacks, but she got bored after 1 year and is now a Formula 1 racer, having almost placed in the Spanish Grand Prix and is getting ready for the Emilia Romagna GP. We wish her luck!

Herb Stripper was a moderately successful prop comic in the 90s and is credited for creating the "balloons-for-balls" gag that every comic uses nowadays. These days, Herb has taught himself how to pour fancy resin end tables for rich clients. He still performs when he's drunk.

Parabolic Troffer peaked in the NFL with the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2003, having a reputation as a tight end capable of being a dynamic receiver—especially down the field when playing with a franchise quarterback—but that quality came with an inability to handle the blocking demands of the position and with a reputation for dropping passes. Troffer now sings soprano in his church choir and sells his autograph on eBay.

Potty Peg used to be the bitch who picked on you in middle school. Now she's Vice President of a venture capital consortium that just bought out the company you work for—and you're fired. POTTY PEG!