Happy Labor Day!

To help with today's festivities, Joel has offered a few Labor Day party tips:

• When hanging Labor Day streamers and balloons, use a higher ladder than necessary so that you can keeping eating dick, also.

• Labor Day decorations like 'Happy Labor Day' banners and dioramas can be found at your local Labor Day Store at the strip mall, over by that place where I eat dick all the time.

• Eat dick

• Shouting "Happy Labor Day" while chowing down dick is often muffled. But people pretty much get the point of what you're saying.

• Some good ideas for Labor Day costumes: "Dick-eater." "Dick-diner." And that's pretty much all I can come up with.

• The annual Labor Day Parade on Main Street is a cherished tradition. Look for me on the float shaped like a dolphin.

• Dick punch is the equivalent of egg nog for Labor Day. No, I mean punch with dick in it, not punching somebody's dick. That's wasting food.

• Some people get depressed this time of year because they're alone. If you're one of these people, throw one of those empowering, defiant "Anti-Labor Day" parties at a local bar. That'll show everyone. Also, eat some dick to make you feel better.

• Eat dick

• Eat dick

• Leave any dick you don't eat for me. I mean, sharing is the true spirit of Columbus Day... I mean Labor Day. Whatever.