Happy Independence Day from EADJ

We at Eat a Dick Joel wish you a happy and safe July 4. For those of you who insist on setting off fireworks with little or no regard for safety precautions, we hope you find the fingers you blew off so you can get them reattached in the Emergency Room. Enjoy!

Questions To Ask The Attendants To The Self Checkout Registers at Newark Airport

• What's your job here, exactly?

• I mean, it's a job. I get it. But instead of ringing someone up, you just stand there and tell us what to do?

• You're just here to make sure I don't steal anything, right?

• Why the apron?

• Do you expect me to tip you for not doing a job you used to do, too?

• Couldn't you just sit in a chair for this job, too, instead of standing all day?

• How much for these mints? Oh wait. I'll just SCAN them myself.

And Now, Pewter Bear With How To Host a Clambake

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. We are not doing this.

We gave a 'how to' segment to Vince's Uncle Roberto, and then we gave one to "Ugly Andrew Gall." But we'll be pigfucked if we give a regular EADJ segment, 'how to' or otherwise, to goddamn weak-ass fucking Pewter Bear.

Fuck you, Pewter Bear. Nobody asked you to host a segment. Nobody even asked you to be born and breathe our air. Nobody invited you to exist and take up space. So why don't you just jump in a volcano or slit your own throat with some kind of special pewter-cutting knife? Man, hating you takes up so much GODDAMN ENERGY! I feel sleepy now. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Happy Jerald Lunch Eve!

"From the death of each day's hope another hope sprung up to live to-morrow."
-Charles Dickens

Weeks have come down to days. And now, days to hours. Anticipation has crescendoed into a palpable, feverish buzz. WE ARE MEETING JERALD TOMORROW.

July 19, 2008 will be an historic date for Eat A Dick Joel. That's why we have decided to declare July 19 National Jerald Prevalence Day. Observance of this day will begin next year with the following itinerary:

8:00am General Welcome and releasing of the doves
8:30am The Popping o' the Collar
9:00-9:15am Mid-morning snack
9:15-10:00am Breaking up into discussion groups and "buddies"
10:00-11:00am Stretching and Calisthenics
11:30-12:00pm Pre-lunch snacks
12:00-2:00pm Lunch
2:00-2:30pm Mopping Lessons
2:30-3:00pm Talent Show
3:00-5:30pm Orgy
5:30-6:30pm Mid-afternoon snack
6:30-6:45pm Lecture: Popular Patio Floor Materials and Their Maintenance
6:45-7:00pm Dinner
7:00-10:00pm Awards Ceremony and Certification / Hoe Down