And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Beatbox

1) Learn how to make the classic kick drum {b}, hi-hat {t} and classic snare drum {p} or {pf}.

2) Combine the three sounds into an 8-beat such as this: { b t pf t / b t pf t } or {b t pf t / b b pf t }

3) Concentrate on getting the timing right. If you make a mistake, keep going, do not stop or pause.

4) Start off slowly and build up speed once you can do the 8-beat without losing timing.

When you start getting really good, start the t sound b sound and the pft sound; they are the simplest beat boxing techniques!

And speaking of getting really good, I once parallel parked my Mercedes GL stretch limousine right on Flatbush Avenue in the rain. Now you tell me I didn't deserve that $50 tip that day!

How To Create a Cirque Du Soleil Sensation

Step 1) Come up with a really annoying name that's half English and half whatever (preferably French). It's okay if you ignore Latin origins and basic word structure (See Zumanity).

Step 2) For your soundtrack, recruit the talents of John Tesh, Kitaro or Mannheim Steamroller. If those guys are busy, just have a turtle walk on a casio keyboard.

Step 3) Get some dancers in leotards. Throw harlequin masks on them and make them hang from the ceiling doing crazy shit. Charge $80 a pop.

Step 4) Unleash your blight on culture to the world (aka Vegas)!