Hey Hot Wheels

I'm no auto mechanic, but I'm pretty sure adding big monster truck wheels only de-emphasizes the size of your weiner.

Whattaya Say We Say Goodbye To All the Crap Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

This Is Racist, Right?

Spotted in Oakland, CA: 

A BLM sign left in a parked car. That's racist, right? Because that assumes people breaking into your car are probably black, right? Or that Black Lives Matter folk are rioters and looters. The sign is like, "Hey I'm one of you. So don't burgle my shit." It certainly isn't a delivery sign for a messenger, delivering Bacon Lettuce & Mozzarella sandwiches (which oddly sounds delicious, now that I mention it). 

And I really doubt this car belongs TO a BLM organizer, letting others know this is where they're supposed to park while they meet at the nearby VFW. Seems odd. No, I'm going back to the idea that this was some supposedly-woke Chad or Karen putting it on their dash so the scary brown people don't break in and raid their Hoobastank CDs.

Like, fuck your precious Mini Cooper, either way.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Set Up Your Own Online Store

1. Choose a niche and develop a business plan.

2. Select your domain name. It should be unique but still easy to remember!

3. Pick your ecommerce website builder.

4. Design the look of your online store. You can either choose from readymade templates or have someone design it for you.

5. Add products to your online shop.

6. Set up shipping.

7. Market your online store. This could be through group emails, FB ad postings and even web banners. Make sure you're talking to the right group who would likely visit your store.

8. Launch your online store!

And speaking of lunch, one time I had a guy eat a footlong meatball sub in the back of my limo. He was wearing a white suit and somehow didn't get any on himself but left a mess on my leather interior! Geez, some people.

Be safe kids!

UAG

Upcoming Conspiracy Stories On InfoWars

The excellent writing staff at Alex Jones's InfoWars are at it again. They've been so prolific that they've been gracious enough to share with EADJ some false stories that they'll be covering on the show in the coming weeks. Here's a sneak peek!

• Horse manure mixed with pumpkin seeds cures male pattern baldness

• Public librarians are spying on what books you read, so don't read

• The letters of the word "TURBAN" can be rearranged to spell "TERORISM"

• Every Disney animated movie contains hidden codes that can unlock the Freemasons' seed vault in Norway

• Sweater vests were invented by homosexuals to add some casual, friendly style to a shirt and tie

• LASERS!

• Memory foam products actually retain any information about you and digitally transmit the info to "Big Mattress"

• Taco shells are actually made by Americans, thus stealing jobs from hardworking Mexicans

Task Chair Has HAD It

Maybe you haven't heard from Task Chair in a while. Like since 2017. But that doesn't mean you should get comfortable. No sir. TASK CHAIR WILL MAKE SURE YOU SIT UPRIGHT AND PRODUCTIVE-LIKE, YOU PUSSY SLACKER.

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS IN 2021? A SECOND YEAR OF LOCKDOWN FROM A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC, AND PEOPLE ARE STILL BITCHING ABOUT WEARING MASKS OR TAKING A FREE VACCINE BECAUSE OF THEIR "FREEDOMS"? YOU FUCKING MEWLING BABIES DON'T KNOW WHAT SACRIFICE IS. TASK CHAIR SAYS TO SIT DOWN AT HOME AND WORK REMOTELY IS A MOTHERFUCKING PRIVILEGE, SO DON'T BE WHINING LIKE IT'S SOME BIG SACRIFICE.

'OH, WHY IS TASK CHAIR GETTING POLITICAL NOW?' NO, YOU'RE GETTING POLITICAL. KEEPING SOCIETY SAFE BY DOING YOUR PART, GETTING VACCINATED AND ENDURING MINOR INCONVENIENCES TO STEM A DEADLY VIRUS IS NOT POLITICAL. IT'S ONLY POLITICAL BECAUSE YOU HALFWITS ARE FOLLOWING THE BAD ADVICE FROM POLITICIANS OF YOUR CHOOSING. TASK CHAIR CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT PATHETIC SUCKERS SOME OF YOU HAVE TURNED INTO IN A MERE FOUR YEARS. PATHETIC.

OK TASK CHAIR OUT. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR WHEN HE COMES BACK. PUSSIES.

The ProofrEADJer: Mid April Edition

Upcoming New Titles On the Documentaries Channel

Everybody loves documentaries, especially people who like to pretend they read a lot. Here now are the latest titles coming to the Documentaries Channel:

"Pork and Beans: How a Hog Farmer and a Bean Farmer Became Legends"

"Tits: A History of Poor Eye Contact"

"Who Was Jesus? A Monthly Time Magazine Series That Repeats Itself"

"The Supreme Court Justices' Sexual Fetishes"

"Converting Sand Dollars Into Bitcoin"

"The Co-Dependent Relationship Between Mario and Princess Peach"

"How A Real Doll Became State Senator of Missouri"

"BALLS DEEP: The Biography of Emily Post"

"We Try To Make Aubrey Plaza Giggle"

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

HBO Max periodically renews or cancels series or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• C.H.U.D.: The Chuddening

• Trashy Women At Customer Service

• Passive Aggressive Notes From My Mother That I Turned Into a Screenplay

• Dragons and Boobs

• Past-His-Prime Comedian Workshops Some New Bullshit

• Flirtatious Donkey Animated Series

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max will be removing from their lineup this month:

• Suck My Balls: The Boba Tea Story

• Crawlspace! The Musical

• 16 Hours of Nickelback Working on Their 2008 Album "Dark Horse"

• Unboxing: The Horror Movie

• A History of Colons

• A Roomful of YouTubers and IG Influencers, All With Nail Guns

• Pull It Real Good: Why Spinderella Quit Salt 'N Pepa

"First, Let's Kill All The Pathmarks"

This one's a little hard to spot:

H.R. Would Like A Word With You

Hi. I know I don't pop by your office very often, but I just wanted to know if you had some time this week for a quick meeting at my office? If not this week, then maybe next week?

No, you're not in any trouble or anything, haha. God forbid, right? No, the reason I need you to come by is just for some routine, procedural stuff. Nothing to get alarmed about or any reason to call your lawyer over. Yet. Kidding! LOL

But yeah. If you could find some time–like an hour, maybe?–to come by and close the door and have a talk with Gina and me, then hopefully we can get to the bottom of what we've been hearing. What? What have we been hearing? It's nothing, really. Nothing we can discuss out here in the open, anyway! LOL. But let's pencil you in for Tuesday 9am.

So, yeah. Just put that in your calendar, and we'll be sure to see you bright and early on Tuesday, 'kay? Have a good rest of your day, and don't talk to any of your co-workers about this, even if you hear something about it on the news tonight. Great!

UAG

Bruce Willis's Inner Dialogue Based On Movie Posters

"Survive the Night? If I can survive this shoot without undercooked food in the craft service, I'll be happy."

"I'm sure this Chad Michael Murray fellow is a lovely person, but when did he and I get joined at the fucking hip?"

"THAT'S the title of the movie? Fine, whatever. As long as the check clears."

"Now I really don't get this title. And I'm a cop in this one? Is this a romance? No? Shit."

"I remember being in a Seagrams Golden Wine Cooler commercial with Sharon Stone. Those were the days."

"This is kind of fun. Sci-fi. This other guy seems familiar, too. We're acting on green screen? Shit."

"Please help me. I don't want to be in movies anymore. Not even good ones."

A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Jordan at the Otto Cases kiosk in the Manchester Square Shopping Center in Manchester Square, VT 

• That bitch at Auntie Anne's never gives me free pretzels.

• Every time I see someone walking around with a phone without a case, I go into a BLIND RAGE

• And to think, Mom considers me the *successful* brother. LOL

Daniel at the VR360 kiosk in the Ashland Plaza Mall in Ashland, OR

• I bet I could orgasm without touching myself

• Is Sherri Shepherd from "The View" single?

• Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Trish and Gail at the Got Candy? kiosk in the Fayette Mall in Lexington, KY

• I could totally steal her man. (Trish)

• I could totally steal her man. (Gail)

• Old people shouldn't drive.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Get Premature Gray Out Of Your Beard

Let's say you're fairly young, but you're already finding gray hairs in your beard. Beard whitening/greying or other conditions like alopecia barbae, occurs because of malfunctioning in body's hormonal system along with nutrition imbalance. The major cause of beard whitening is "improper melanin pigmentation".  So here are ways to reverse that graying in your beard:

Step 1: Drink aloe vera juice (50ml) daily morning empty stomach, do not eat or drink anything up to 1/2 hour after this. Also don't go for costly aloe vera juices in stores– they contain preservatives which are harmful. You can try local ones like patanjali, and it's best if you prepare at home.

Step 2: Vitamin B12, Vitamin D and D aspartic acid are key players for melanin, so just find and consume foods that contain these.

Step 3: It might sound weird but true: visit any path lab and test for your testosterone level : just a simple blood check up and you'll know it out, it should ideally be above 300ng/dl. If it is found below this, then you might need to see a doctor.

And speaking of doctors, I once had that woman Dr. Laura in my limo, but I thought she was Barbara Walters. She seemed insulted by that, which I don't understand.

Be safe, kids! 

There's Pointless, and Then There's Pointless.

Do you know anyone who works in the food service industry who enjoys playing games like Diner Dash? I don't. I can't imagine someone spending 9+ hours slinging hash for bitchy, demanding customers only to come home and do the same thing for free in their spare time. Frankly, I don't get the allure of these types of games in the first place. Seems like kind of pointless, thankless busywork... Hold up. It's my turn in Words With Friends. Gotta go. Sorry, later!

I Think That I Shall Never See. A Poem Lovely As a Pathmark.