Upcoming New Titles On the Documentaries Channel

Everybody loves documentaries, especially people who like to pretend they read a lot. Here now are the latest titles coming to the Documentaries Channel:

"Pork and Beans: How a Hog Farmer and a Bean Farmer Became Legends"

"Tits: A History of Poor Eye Contact"

"Who Was Jesus? A Monthly Time Magazine Series That Repeats Itself"

"The Supreme Court Justices' Sexual Fetishes"

"Converting Sand Dollars Into Bitcoin"

"The Co-Dependent Relationship Between Mario and Princess Peach"

"How A Real Doll Became State Senator of Missouri"

"BALLS DEEP: The Biography of Emily Post"

"We Try To Make Aubrey Plaza Giggle"

The ProofrEADJer: November Edition

UAG

Hey, Bead Maze, I Ain't Done With You!

Hey, Bead Maze, think I'm done abusing you, you useless, confusing non-toy? You think this is a game? Well, this might be a game, but you sure as hell aren't one. You're not even a puzzle. You're a series of lathed and painted blocks impaled on a bendy wire. And what does that amount to? Jack shit, buddy. No baby was ever set in front of you and thought, "Holy shitshockers, this is the most wonderful toy I've ever seen!" No, every baby who ever saw you reacted the way everyone else still reacts: with confusion and revulsion. I'd go so far as to say any parent who willingly buys a bead maze hates their child, and that the baby is better off being raised by geese on a golf course.

So keep thinking you're hot shit, Bead Maze, but know this: I got my eye on you, and I will not hesitate to take you down a few notches with a serious body slam. What.