Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Off-Brand TP Roundup Will Never Go Away

(This submitted by Andrew Gall via text)

Brand: Marathon
Brand Imagery: Shades of blue and gray
Brand Promise: You'll never 'run out?'
Brand Reality: Probably a better idea to wipe your ass with that Betty & Veronica comic book instead

Brand: Toilet Tissue® 2-Ply
Brand Imagery: What almost looks like black and green argyle, but ain't
Brand Promise: Nothing
Brand Reality: It delivers

Brand: White Swan
Brand Imagery: A white swan in the logo over a giant yellow dandelion
Brand Promise: Elegant like a graceful swan
Brand Reality: Evil and psychotic like Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"

Brand: RETAIN (or is it RETOIN?)
Brand Imagery: A stack of N's (??????) and the recycling symbol not looking anything like an A
Brand Promise: You will retain the flesh around your anus after using this
Brand Reality: They lied.

Brand: Livi Basic
Brand Imagery: A leaf over a leaf background that looks suspiciously like poison ivy
Brand Promise: A natural feeling tissue experience
Brand Reality: Hope you have some calamine lotion ready, asshole

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: Leaf background
Brand Promise: Softness not unlike wiping with velvet
Brand Reality: Like wiping with starched corduroy

Brand: Feather Soft
Brand Imagery: Either a feather or some ghostly pine needles (or is it the Palme D'or?)
Brand Promise: A birdlike wipe in the toilet
Brand Reality: Like getting raped by your cellmate, a rabid ostrich

Brand: Roses
Brand Imagery: Roses
Brand Promise: Roses
Brand Reality: Thorns

Brand: Silkie Premium Quality Soft & Lush Bath Tissue
Brand Imagery: A skeletal bird flying over a field of daisies
Brand Promise: A haphazard throwing together of soft and natural themes
Brand Reality: Like riding down an up escalator's railing with zero moisture

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