The Off-Brand TP Roundup Will Never Go Away

(This submitted by Andrew Gall via text)

Brand: Marathon

Brand Imagery: Shades of blue and gray

Brand Promise: You'll never 'run out?'

Brand Reality: Probably a better idea to wipe your ass with that Betty & Veronica comic book instead

Brand: Toilet Tissue® 2-Ply

Brand Imagery: What almost looks like black and green argyle, but ain't

Brand Promise: Nothing

Brand Reality: It delivers

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: A white swan in the logo over a giant yellow dandelion

Brand Promise: Elegant like a graceful swan

Brand Reality: Evil and psychotic like Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"

Brand: RETAIN (or is it RETOIN?)

Brand Imagery: A stack of N's (??????) and the recycling symbol not looking anything like an A

Brand Promise: You will retain the flesh around your anus after using this

Brand Reality: They lied.

Brand: Livi Basic

Brand Imagery: A leaf over a leaf background that looks suspiciously like poison ivy

Brand Promise: A natural feeling tissue experience

Brand Reality: Hope you have some calamine lotion ready, asshole

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue

Brand Imagery: Leaf background

Brand Promise: Softness not unlike wiping with velvet

Brand Reality: Like wiping with starched corduroy

Brand: Feather Soft

Brand Imagery: Either a feather or some ghostly pine needles (or is it the Palme D'or?)

Brand Promise: A birdlike wipe in the toilet

Brand Reality: Like getting raped by your cellmate, a rabid ostrich

Brand: Roses

Brand Imagery: Roses

Brand Promise: Roses

Brand Reality: Thorns

Brand: Silkie Premium Quality Soft & Lush Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: A skeletal bird flying over a field of daisies

Brand Promise: A haphazard throwing together of soft and natural themes

Brand Reality: Like riding down an up escalator's railing with zero moisture