Monday, February 20, 2017

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

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