Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

More Items That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Editor's Note: Before we begin this semi-regular segment, it must be said that we have nothing against Ariana Grande. She's a talented star who obviously has a gigantic, loyal following, so we wish her nothing but the best. It's just that she is not maybe THAT cute.

Pop phenom Ariana Grande prides herself on her vocal range and catchy songs, but it also seems she seeks to claim the crown as the Cutest Thing Ever in the Universe. We must respectfully disagree. Here now are a few more things that are inarguably cuter than she:

• Tapdancing cartoon dandelions

•  Two kittens curled up in an oven mitt

• Dollhouse tire swings

• Dachsund testicles

• When Adam West's Batman tries to talk but he's out of breath

• When small dwarf hands make the "fucking" gesture 👉👌

• Mogwais

• That look on a teenager's face when you steal his wallet

• A burro wearing a monocle

• Ben Stiller sleeping

A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Christian at the Cell-Fun kiosk in Minot, North Dakota was thinking about:

• I can't believe I get paid to surf on Yahoo.

• I am so lonely, actually.

• That nerdy sister from "Modern Family" has a rack, hasn't she?

The following is what Trent at the Custom You Always kiosk in Provo, Utah was thinking about:

• I can't decide if I'm a tit man, an ass man, or a dick man

• I wish they'd make Nutty Buddies but without the nuts, cuz I'm allergic

• I just sharted, but I only have 3 more hours till I have to clock out.

The following is what Emilio at the Repair Screenz Explosion kiosk in Jonesboro, Arkansas was thinking about:

• FUCK, where is my wallet???!!!

• Did one of those kids who walked by pick my goddamned pocket???!!!! I'll KILL THEM!!!!

• Oh, there it is. Other pocket. :)

The following is what Saanvi at the Carved Edge kiosk in Auburn Hills, Michigan was thinking about:

• Am I going crazy, or are there swastikas in the carpet?

• I definitely need to keep an eye on the merchandise- otherwise someone might steal all of it, and that's gotta be worth about $23.

• I poisoned the box of Munchkins in the break room fridge to catch the lunch thief. NOW I WAIT.

The following is what Hilary at the Exotic Stones LLC kiosk in Delray Beach, Florida was thinking about:

• In front of a Kay Jewelers is a pretty dumb place to have an exotic stones kiosk, if you ask me.

• I'll always regret stabbing my junior prom date. Poor Thad... Chad?

• I bet there's enough storage room under here to take a long nap in.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 2pm):

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• Charlotte McKinney

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The following is what Evelyn at the PUSSY HO BITCHEZ kiosk in Milford, Delaware was thinking about:

• They should really consider changing the name of this kiosk.

• There really is no need for such a vulgar business name. It's hurting sales.

• I should tell Betty.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 4:30pm):

• Ah! I am so relaxed and well rested!

• I hope I didn't miss any potential clients during my little nap there, heh heh.

• Charlotte McKinney really does have an amazing rack.

 The following is what Bruce at the Lug Along Luggage kiosk in Danvers, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• This is nice. I get to own my own business and dictate my own hours here.

• The atmosphere is so relaxing, and I get to sit the entire time!

• Which one of these cases had the heroin in it, again? I should make a mental note.

 The following is what Gladys at the Royal Sheets kiosk in Elizabeth, New Jersey was thinking about:

• I can't stop watching "Big Bang Theory," and yet I hate everyone on that show.

• Chicken fried steak. Who the shit invented that? Morons.

• I bet if I bounced my leg enough, I could achieve orgasm right here.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Step right up, three tries for a dollar! Drop a rose petal in the cleavage, win a giant teddy bear!

The real reason the Swedish Chef had "real" hands.

There was a time that Ice Cube could give good "hard" look. Now he just looks constipated.

And Joel Ortiz is in the stall right next to Cube.

Shut Da F Up & Pay the Album Cover Artist the Five Dollas Already

You might want to consider changing your name these days. "Rebel Soul" doesn't fly in many communities. 

When making a wish, Scotty ATL wasn't specific enough about what "island" he wanted to relax on.

Dude. Those nails are BEYOND DISGUSTING. I don't care how much gold you can afford–I am NOT sharing my popcorn with you, Trinidad James.

I wish I could remotely open that sunroof and make him disappear.

Neat. Way to reference a 24 year old movie.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Texas Rangers," Starring James Van Der Beek, Dylan McDermott, Usher, Ashton Kutcher, and K-Mart $5.00

A pussy from a 90's show. A hunkier pussy from "The Practice." An R&B crooner who probably still rakes in the pussy. And someone who used to tag some seriously older pussy but who is now hitting some amazingly hot and young and apparently very cool pussy. And Rachel Leigh Cook, who was in  "Josie and the Pussycats."

All wearing cowboy hats and bandoliers like they're taking family photos at Kings Dominion. For two hours.

Coming soon, Jack.

The Answers To Last Week's MUST SEE TV Edition of Which Can, Erickson?

Click to enlarge your prostate:

How did you do?

Scored 1 out of 8: You don't know your bathrooms.
Scored 2 out of 8: You're lucky, but you still don't know your bathrooms.
Scored 3 out of 8: Nicely done. This is all we expected of you.
Scored 4 out of 8: Your deductive skills are sharper than most. High five!
Scored 5 out of 8: See page 48 of the manual
Scored 6 out of 8: Your part-time job as an intuitive for public toilets has paid off.
Scored 7 out of 8: Your Asian parents are disappointed that you didn't score 100%.
Scored 8 out of 8: CHEATER

Let's Pull Our Collective Heads Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

This photo was submitted by Andrew Gall via text:

To read more about Myron Noodleman, Prince of Baseball, in this blog, click here.

And this completely unsurprising text message from Mig Ponce: