Thursday, February 16, 2017

How To Judge The Tom Select "Jesse Stone" Movies As If They Were Colognes

Cologne: Innocents Lost
Shape of Bottle: A large glass gavel
Base Note: Suede leather
Top Note: Virgin urine
Marketing Tagline: "A fragrance to celebrate the age of consent."

Cologne: Night Passage
Shape of Bottle: A glass tunnel formed by shrubs
Base Note: Corpse
Top Note: Wet morning grass
Marketing Tagline: "What to wear when she'll let you go down that alley."

Cologne: No Remorse
Shape of Bottle: A gigantic metallic smug goatee
Base Note: Swag
Top Note: Pig testosterone
Marketing Tagline: "Terrible first date? Whatever."

Cologne: Sea Change
Shape of Bottle: A glass version of Beck's seminal 2002 album "Sea Change"
Base Note: Sea foam
Top Note: Pocket change
Marketing Tagline: "When she smells this shit on you, SEA her expression CHANGE."

Cologne: Thin Ice
Shape of Bottle: A glass shard of ice (or an ice shard of glass?)
Base Note: Aqua Velva
Top Note: Icy Hot
Marketing Tagline: "The most romantic icepack for groin injuries"

Cologne: Stone Cold
Shape of Bottle: A tiny glass gazebo, by the looks of it
Base Note: Curiosity
Top Note: Mango farts
Marketing Tagline: "Hide that chicken wing scent before picking her up."

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