Once Again... LOBSTERFEST

Okay, so it's been almost FOUR YEARS since the last Lobsterfest entry, and it's been that long since I've been totally shitfaced, which is when conditions are best to write this type of entry. The other night, I went to a comedy show in the Upper East Side and had a series of beers, cocktails, and beers that could fill a vat. Here now are some of the Lobsterfest entries that I typed into my phone on the Lyft ride home:

• Lobsters are arachnids, which means they're not very far relatives from spiders. With this in mind, we're going to serve up a series of lobsters in a large, sticky web hung up on the far wall. Guests will be required to climb the web, capture one of the crawling live lobsters, then scuttle it back to their table to be boiled and eaten. Try that with a skirt on! That would be maybe one of the least plausible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• I don't know if you know about these "hoverboards" that kids are riding these days. They're not really truly hoverboards but are these crappy motorized dealies on two wheels. Anyhoo, all our waiters will ride those back and forth from your table to the kitchen and back, serving you hot piping morsels of thawed and cooked lobster tail. Plus we'll make sure the hoverboards are colored orange or red, to go with the lobster theme, if they have those colors in stock. No, you can't ride the hoverboards- insurance reasons. Gee, that seems like another highly unlikely and unsatisfying way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, doesn't it?

• "Lobsterfest" sounds a lot like "LobsterFIST," so let's do that: through pressure and heat, we mold gigantic boxing gloves from the finest slivers of lobster meat. When guests enter the restaurant, our servers will knock them the FUCK OUT with a sucker punch the likes of which your uncle has never seen since his days in the Navy. Look sharp, hungry fuckers! That seems like a doable but highly violent way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, don't it?

• Paper dolls. Maybe paper dolls of the customers, wearing little paper lobster bibs. Maybe it's EDIBLE PAPER, and we can have guests eat tiny versions of themselves eating lobster. Maybe this way we can actually leave lobster meat out to the equation entirely and save a cuckload of money! HOLY ASS, that's a pretty shrewd way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We let loose a very angry donkey in the restaurant. A donkey whose only way to calm down is to be fed lobster meat. With it kicking children and taking bites out of booth cushions, our servers will plead with customers to feed their lobster meat to calm the donkey down. Our guests will be forced to part with their dinners and will need to order their whole meals AGAIN! $$$$ And when their second dinner finally arrives, we release TWO MORE DONKEYS! It's moneymaking genius! Somehow through all this could be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

The ProofrEADJer: January Edition

"You're," not "Your." English the Easy Way my ass.

"Casted" a vote? Nope.

"Always discrete shipping." Meaning they'll mail you dildos one by one.

The Most Common Answers That Soccer Bunny Gives During ESPN Interviews

• "Yeah, I'm a goalie Soccer Bunny. That's why I get to touch the ball with my hands."

• "No, in Europe, I'm still known as Soccer Bunny, not Football Bunny."

• "Yes, that's supposed to be my likeness on the bottom of the box."

• "About $680 million a year."

• "As a matter of fact, yes. I'm dating Bella Hadid."

• "I'm not going to answer that question. But I'll just say that I'm part Moroccan."

• "Four."

• "No siblings. Although my cousin is a chocolate shark in Walgreen's."

• "No, $3.68 doesn't sound like a random, arbitrary number to me."

• "Hmm... Probably Seth Myers, Rebecca Black and Indira Gandhi."

• "Missionary."

• "No, I can't do any product endorsements since I am a product myself."

• "'The Shack' by William P. Young. It is so inspirational."

Two Pathmarks Diverged in a Yellow Wood, And Sorry I Could Not Travel Both

The Most Common Interjections On The "Thomas The Tank Engine" Show and Their Real-Life Translations

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What The Hell Do *You* Know About Lobsterfest®

As tradition dictates, I've downed four gimlets and a Boddingtons to prepare for this latest entry of Lobsterfest:

It's time to break out your maracas and butter your bongos, because Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is once again in full swing. We've literally cooked up these latest lobster meat offerings to satisfy your appetite, and fuck if we'll take no for an answer this time. Try these latest crustaceanal meal deals:

• We steal a bobsled from a nearby ski resort and load it up with cratefuls of lobster. We strap you down at the bottom of our special lobster run with a barrel of butter and release the bobsled at the top. You are then given the choice of either "accepting the meat" or answering some very difficult trivia questions about Downton Abbey. Your fate is your own! Nobody I've spoken to knows why that couldn't pass as a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We hand some really massive jumbo shrimp to a very small midget dressed like a Red Lobster waiter. He carries the shrimp in his arms to your table and tells you it's a lobster. You start wondering if you haven't somehow grown to giant-size in the course of your meal and absentmindedly leave a $50 tip on a $23 bill. That there is one lucrative way for us Red Lobster servers to enjoy serving lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• NBC cancels the fuck-awful show "Whitney."

•  We round up the surviving members of the Kennedy family and bring them (by force if necessary) to our restaurant. Common folk like you can now dine on scrumptious lobster patties and seafood Newberg with fancy Kennedy types like you always wanted to. We'll even change the sign out front to say "Camelot" for the duration of your meal and pretend the whole thing is one northeastern lobster boil in Martha's Vineyard. Then when it's over we'll drive the Kennedy family back to their respective homes where they can weep in peace. Damn, that's a great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You know about snuff? Well, we pulverize lobster into a fine powder so it's consumable in swift pinches up the nose. Then you and your friends can act like gentlemen with your topcoats and monocles and spats and shit, snorting fine lobster and having a jolly good time like a bunch of hoity toity patricians. What a delightfully cultured way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Share a moment with us in our new "Lobster Lounge," a welcoming, inviting refuge from the hectic work-a-day pace of your typical Red Lobster restaurant. Relax to music by Yanni and Kitaro as we rub buttered lobster paste into the knotted problem areas of your back, thighs, and rectum. Find yourself a better way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and you'll get $5 off your next visit to the Lobster Lounge!

A Bold New EADJ Segment: What Matt Thinks

Eat A Dick Joel is proud to present a new regular series for 2008, What Matt Thinks. Enjoy.



Later, via IM: