We all know that Tinseltown is plumb out of ideas. Desperate to find the next big movie franchise, the major film studios have resorted to a "Smart Label Barcode Placement" poster in a random medical screening lab in Vauxhall, NJ. Here now are the movies that have been greenlit for 2017 release:
"SST and Red Top" starring Steven Seagal and Jesse Tyler Ferguson. A Black Ops "Super Soldier Tactician" on the run (Seagal) has to go undercover and partners up with an unwilling suburban dad (Ferguson) to prove that the government had framed him. Also starring a bunch of precocious child actors. Rated PG-13.
"Lavender" starring Kirsten Dunst, Eva Longoria. and Anthony LaPaglia. A hard-nosed detective (LaPaglia) investigating corporate espionage gets caught up in the erotic, sensual world of perfume manufacturing with two of the industry's major players (Dunst and Longoria). There's supposed to be about 20 minutes of full nudity in this one, folks. Tits and dick.
"Blue Top" starring the voices of Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, and Leslie Mann. This raunchy CGI animated romp follows the adventures of some foul-mouthed produce in a supermarket after hours. A psycho carrot (Arnett), a moody head of lettuce (Galifianakis) and an imperious squash (Mann) wage war against the mild-mannered fruit (voiced by Justin Long, Michael Cera and Charlene Yi).
"Urine Tube" starring Nicolas Cage, Christian Slater and Woody Harrelson. An out-of-control medical train loaded with urine specimens must be stopped by an engineer (Cage), a mathematician (Slater) and a cowboy (Harrelson) before it makes contact with a convention center full of orphans. Also starring Chadwick Boseman as the Head of the PP Squad.