"Thanks, Tracy and Dean. Milder weather earlier this morning and afternoon is all but gone this evening, leaving a massive low pressure system covering the entire tri-state area, which I'm afraid is going to lead to a serious shitstorm by midnight.
"This shitstorm isn't something any of us were prepared for, frankly, but isn't that always what happens? You see the signs but ignore them, hoping for the best, then... BAM! You're surrounded by shit. In a storm.
"Now, this shitstorm is sure to cover the entire area, but I bet you're wondering, who will this affect most? A lot of people, actually. The most affected:
• people who didn't look at their checking balance until rent is due
• furries with neighbors with children
• Alex P. Keaton when he was taking two different girls to prom
• whoever's in charge of the DC cinematic universe
• climate change deniers
• people in jail with Suge Knight who have no idea who he is
• people who purchased "No Man's Sky" instead of "Overwatch" for their kids
• Donald J. Trump
• people who are just getting around to watching "The Walking Dead" season premiere, with their parents
• teen moms-to-be
"If you're on this list, I would urge you to stay inside and try to sit out the shitstorm, but I know for a lot of you in mobile homes, that it's just not possible. So I'd recommend finding a secure building, sitting yourself in the middle of the basement, and reassessing the life choices you've made thus far and maybe coming to terms with your God. I'm Gary Ennoweth, and this is your Accuweather Forecast! Back to you, Tracy and Dean!"
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