Eat A Dick, Joel: The Blog: January 2015

Friday, January 30, 2015

EADJ Song Hate: "Animals" by Maroon 5

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

From a Dumb Commercial

EDITOR'S NOTE: The reason that I'm posting this now is that I no longer work at the ad agency that created this commercial.

"Hello, Enterprise Rent-A-Car? Can you pick me up? I'm at a repair shop. And I know this because there's this gigantic sign saying REPAIR SHOP inside the shop, almost in the mechanic's way. Why do they have such a big, obvious sign?"

"Hello, hysterical woman. Yes, I personally will pick you up. My name's Brad. I've got a waterbed at my apartment."

"So you just came here to fuck me?"

"Good God, that is a huge fucking sign."

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

UAG

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 26

Here are this week's batch of weakass hashtags that you're welcome to use in your weakass Twitter feeds:

#antivaxpundits

#chewingtinfoil

#petdandermerkin

#twofingershavebeeninside

#madpussyasinitsangryatme

#Godisontheotherteamsside

#50shadesofgreysausagefest

#cantgetenoughDeflategatejokes

#notenoughAdamLevineontheradio

#andtherapistsgonnaraperaperaperaperape

Monday, January 26, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

When Cassidy imagined it in a dream, it seemed pretty awesome. Now on an album cover it all just looks like a dumb screensaver.

Every play the bass so loud in your Lamborghini that it vibrates but you don't? The pigeon is unimpressed.

In "Redemption of the Beast," DMX makes a departure from his usual fare to offer reflective ballads and whispered spoken word about the human condition, climate change, and women's reproductive rights.

Once they took the photo at Picture People, they ordered five wallet sized, five 8x10 and five 4x5 that they can tape up in their cars' windowshades.

Not sure if he was born with this name, but if not, why would he want to be named after the busybody who relentlessly pursued Bill Clinton's impeachment to no effect in the 90s? Odd.

"That does it. I'm giving Pam five more minutes to show up, and then I'm getting lunch by myself."

Please tell me this is an urban re-imagining of "Beauty and the Beast" with talking microphones, sleepy blunts and a rapping mouse.

Nothing is more terrifying than a JC Penney model who starts robbing banks with a tea cozy on her head.

Yawn. So you spent five hours on an Etch-A-Sketch. Big whoop.

If gigantic anti-aircraft bullets didn't kill you when shot, they still might injure you pretty badly falling on your head.

"Oh no, Trixie, somebodymisappropriatedmyimageandaddeddreadlocksandstupidtattoosonmyfaceOOOHHHHH!"

Friday, January 23, 2015

Pathmark: You've Got To Respect Yourshelf

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Chumming The Slopes With More "Avalanche Shark" Taglines

Yet more unwanted taglines for a movie whose time never came:

Cold, man. That's cold.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Step right up, three tries for a dollar! Drop a rose petal in the cleavage, win a giant teddy bear!

The real reason the Swedish Chef had "real" hands.

There was a time that Ice Cube could give good "hard" look. Now he just looks constipated.

And Joel Ortiz is in the stall right next to Cube.

Shut Da F Up & Pay the Album Cover Artist the Five Dollas Already

You might want to consider changing your name these days. "Rebel Soul" doesn't fly in many communities.

When making a wish, Scotty ATL wasn't specific enough about what "island" he wanted to relax on.

Dude. Those nails are BEYOND DISGUSTING. I don't care how much gold you can afford–I am NOT sharing my popcorn with you, Trinidad James.

I wish I could remotely open that sunroof and make him disappear.

Neat. Way to reference a 24 year old movie.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

CSI EADJ: Pleading the Fifth

The forensic team at EADJ have once again collected a full dossier of solved cases, after having closely examined some of the detritus of New York and New Jersey. Here now are their latest findings:

CASE 489579

Location: Midtown NYC