Lonely fat hoarders with dozens of cats will enjoy this year's offerings of The Hallmark Channel's holiday soon-to-be classics as part of their Hallmark® Countdown To Suicide Christmas. Here is what to expect on Channel 589:
"A Very Merry Mix-Up" starring Alicia Witt and Mark Wiebe.
Two holiday travelers stuck at the same layover accidentally switch roller bags, resulting in the cavity search of one and the unconstitutional rendition of the other to Guantanamo Bay.
"Baby's First Christmas" staring Casper Van Dien and Rachel Wilson
An abortion doctor meets the girl of his dreams, but realizes she wants to terminate her pregnancy, which happens to be divinely conceived and due on December 25. WHAT TO DO??????
"Lucky Christmas" starring Elizabeth Berkley and Jason Gray-Standford.
A struggling actress tries to live down playing a stripper in the biggest critical and box office bomb of the last century by doing a harmless Christmas-themed TV movie with some nobodies.
"12 Dates of Christmas" starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Amy Smart
A white girl and a white boy meet in Central Park and do a bunch of white things in the white snow. Soundtrack by Isaac Hayes and Parliament.
"My Dog's Christmas Miracle" starring Cynthia Gibb (who?), Greg Evigan (who?), Kendall Ryan Sanders (who?), and Ashley Leggat (who?)
A deceased family dog returns after being buried in nearby Indian burial grounds and proves to be more than a handful for this orderly, Christian home! Also, check out Mom's tits.
"Northpole" starring Tiffani Thiessen and Josh Hopkins
Scarves, hats, and jackets come together on top of a group of human hosts.
Frankly, there are SO MANY of these crap films that we don't have the time or inclination to cover all of them:
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