Blackberry Faces VIII and IX

The EADJ Gallery is pleased to announce not one, but two new acquisitions to the critically acclaimed "Blackberry Face" series.

These two significant pieces are essentially one photo captured on a New York 7 Train. Such a rare and beautiful occurrence is made even more incredible by the fact that it manages to document two different generations of Blackberry faces.

"Trevor and Josie" is a magnificent piece that captures the dichotomy of two generations, two sexes, and two pieces of technology. Trevor seems to grumpily collapse into his iPad browsing whilst Josie is upright but frowny-faced about her texting. Both cross their legs, but your eye is inevitably drawn towards Josie's crotch.

"Trevor and Josie" fill the eighth slot of this breathtaking octaptych, fulfilling the promise made by the Woodmere Art Museum curator Daphne Steins that the Blackberry Collection will be "the foremost exhibit in any metropolitan gallery in any city in Duluth, Minnesota."

The new exhibit will open on November 5. Gallery members and their guests will receive a 10% discount during regular viewing hours. Flash photography and videotaping will not be permitted. And please, smoking is not permitted inside the portico entrance.

Not Helpful

Pictured below, a lost remote makes for some fucking annoying viewing.

'Tis The Season: True Fact Hurricane Oddities

Hurricanes are universally feared as destructive and deadly, but occasionally they have been known to do some fairly unusual stuff. The following are some documented incidents involving these common but still-misunderstood phenomena:


1915: Five horses were picked up in a Kansas tornado. They were found a quarter-mile away, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.

1955: A 9-year-old in South Dakota was riding her horse when a tornado struck her farm. She and her pony were plucked from the ground and were sent flying into another valley. According to reports, the girl’s mother actually saw her daughter airborne. The girl and the pony were dropped over 1,000 feet away, unharmed.

1962: An electrician jumped out of his truck moments before it was lifted by a tornado outside Oklahoma City. It was later found 20 miles away, but full of McDonald's cheeseburger wrappers, a Grammy Award and a rhino turd.

1968: An F4 hurricane convinced an elderly woman in South Carolina that it was her nephew. She let it stay in her guest room for four nights before she realized it was actually a hurricane, but by then it had ruined most of her carpeting and eaten two entire bags of Funyuns.

1973: Five horses were picked up in a Kansas tornado. They were found a quarter-mile away, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.

1986: Two security guards at the Flashdance Leg Warmer Factory in Lauper, IL were lifted into the air by a hurricane. While one of them was killed and horrifically dismembered by all the debris battering his twisted shell of a body, the other one just got a sprained ankle! Gee willikers!

1989: Actor Willie Aames... Nah, I don't want to make fun of him. He's been through enough.

1991: Five horses were picked up in a Kansas tornado. They were found a quarter-mile away near a Costco, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.


1996: 10 year old Jennie Samsa of Columbia, South Carolina was halfway through watching a 7-hour marathon of "Freakazoid" reruns when Hurricane Sergio tore the shit out of those plans, boy.


2014: Five horses will have been picked up in a Kansas tornado. They will have been found a quarter-mile away, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up

Lisa Simpson always grew up knowing she would eventually inherit her mother's pearls.

Who knew that the NY subway system reached Schrute Beet Farm and Dunder Mifflin in Scranton, Pennsylvania? Watch some goddamned TV if you don't get it.

Harlequin PJ bottoms and socks with flops are the perfect way to say, "Back off, potential male companion, I prefer the company of cats!"

If you're going to get style tips, try not to pick them up from a caricature of Marilyn Monroe from a 1969 issue of Mad Magazine. I mean, you're buying calendars, so you should know what year it is.

Tessa wondered why all the other parents left the playground with their kids within minutes of her arriving.

If He-Man dressed in drag, he would definitely use this purse to go with his champagne colored studded leather high heel boots.

"BY THE POWER OF BLOOMINGDALES!"

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Eat a Triceratops In Four Easy Steps

New research by paleontologists has revealed the new theory of how Tyrannosaurus Rex used to devour Triceratops during the Cretaceous Period. Here are the findings recently released by the Society of Vertebrate Paleontology on how to eat a Triceratops:

1) Grab hold of the Triceratops' frill with your massive jaws.

2) Pull the frill upwards to create tension and tear the flesh. If the flesh still does not tear, perforate it with your massive teeth, then retry.

3) Rip the head off.

4) Enjoy the tasty neck flesh. Eat the skin off the face, if you fancy.

And speaking of tearing one's head off, if your limo driver shows up 5 minutes late for a pickup, he probably had a good reason, so you shouldn't discourage him with a bunch of abusive language over 5 lousy minutes, especially if he hasn't taken you to your destination yet. Think straight, kids.

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of October 21

Here are this week's most underused Twitter hash tags (feel free to use on your own Tweets):

#shitmypantsonfire

#masturbatingtorerunsoftaxi

#kardashiandignity

#fuckyouredcross

#ke$harocknrollhalloffame

#fuckingtrivets

#iphone6linestartshere

#boogerwithhair

#guccimaneboxset

#helpbrokemynecksendambulance

#drypussy

#mandolinbidders

#ifyoulovesomethingdonttweetaboutit

#gastricbypassworkedpermanently

#chet

#nakedladyfetish

#mycuticlecollection

It Was A Dark And Stormy Pathmark

This one submitted by Andrew Gall:

CRACK OF THUNDER SOUND EFFECT!!!!

A List Of Activities You Can Do With Certified Therapy Dog Rhett And How Much It Would Cost

I spotted this sign in Manhattan last week, advertising the rental out an unknown breed of dog named Rhett (is that an Airedale?). For a buck a minute, Rhett's pimps are willing to let you take Rhett (could be a Scottish Deerhound?) out and do whatever, provided it's for your therapy. He's "always looking for new friends," so what are you waiting for? Here now is a list of suggested activities you can do with Rhett (he's an Irish Wolfhound, isn't he?) and how much it will cost:

• Take Rhett from 25th Street to Central Park for a nice walk and a poop: $82

• Watch the entire "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy, extended edition with Rhett: $682

• Bowl an entire game by yourself while Rhett sniffs his balls: $14

• Have sex with release while Rhett watches from another room: $3

• Fly with Rhett to Tel Aviv, Israel from JFK and back: $1200 (not including airfare)

• Drive Rhett around while cranking Iron Maiden's third studio album, "The Number of The Beast:" $41

• Encourage Rhett to go with you to your Zumba class, even though he doesn't seem to express any interest: $60

• Hassle Rhett about his 'Certified Dog' credentials: $7

• Cook an entire timpano, complete with meatballs, salami and filling and with homemade crust, while Rhett nervously licks his hungry dog lips: $80

• Take Rhett to watch the Houston Astros totally suck dick for a full nine innings: $180

• Give away the twist to "Looper" to Rhett: $1

• Read "The Brothers Karamazov" to Rhett in a pidgin accent while he licks his balls again: $86,400

• Read this blog entry to him and see if he "gets" it: $4


You can literally rent Rhett here.

UAG

Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, are you ready to grill some delicious top sirloins, Buck?"

"Hell, yeah I am. It took me a while, but I finally got the charcoal burning steady at the perfect temperature, and without the help of any lighting fluid, so these cuts of meat are going to be done just right."

"Okay, so we got the meat in the package, some spice rubs (which I don't think we need), some steak sauce (which I also think we can skip, knowing my grilling skills!) and uh... this here pack of Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards?"

"What the..."

"Not sure what to do with these. Think I'll chuck 'em."

"No! Since we're gonna be standing here for a while, we might as well try a few questions."

"Hm. Not really my thing, but okay."

(reads the first card)

"'Assuming every man or woman has their price, what is yours?'"

"Uh, pass on that one."

"'Does the success of your friends motivate or frustrate your own progress in life?'"

"Not sure what that means."

"'In moments of intimacy, are you more of a "giver" or a "taker?"'"

"Jesus."

"'When have you loved someone who has not loved you back?'"

"Can we just cook these steaks without talking?"

What The "Plus" Means In Many Store Names

Awards Plus

"Plus" = the nagging feeling that you could have done better in the three-legged race.

T-Shirts Plus

 "Plus" = pit stains, quick-fading graphics and denial of admission into nightclubs.

Best Western Plus

"Plus" = bed bugs and cum on the ceiling

Wigs & Plus

"Plus" is redundant here with the ampersand. Like who talks like that. Here "plus" stands for the waning popularity of the recording artist Pink even though she currently has several songs on the Top 40 charts.

Dollar Plus & Convenience Store

Another redundancy- putting "plus" after the ampersand is no improvement. "Plus" here stands for unenthusiastic service from a teenager on her cell phone.

Shuttle Bus Plus

"Plus" = pus

6 Lies Told By The New York Renaissance Faire Brochure

1) Fantasy already rules. It doesn't need a special designated place.  :)

2) Since 1977? Please. Fully fledged medieval nerdfests were conceived in the 70s but became popular in the early 80s. Don't stretch the truth, Sir Galahad.

3) Tuxedo, NY will have nothing to do with this merry band of mischief makers and fat chicks.

4) T-shirts aren't considered historically accurate. Not the Hypercolor ones, at least.

5) You don't really get to meet Robin Hood. Robin Meade, however, will be on hand for some reason.

6) "We're easy to reach." Right. Type in "Tuxedo, NY" into Google Maps and you'll get directions to The Men's Wearhouse in Staten Island.

What do you think about the new EADJ segment "Six Lies Told?"

We want to hear from you!

The Only Four Scenarios Where This Photo Would Make Any Sense

Scenario 1: a buxom Indian princess is rescued from a stampeding herd by Tony Stark (using an experimental 'big head' design) and Peter Parker (who fell under a reverse-aging spell cast by Doctor Strange) with the help of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Everyone dies horribly.

Scenario 2: This is an alternate Marvel universe where Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in his crib, thus allowing him to fight his nemeses, Racially-Insensitive Indian Squaw and Frankie Stein from Monster High. In this same alternate universe, Tony Stark is a terrible designer and can't get all of his armor to fit or work right. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 3: Frankie Stein from Monster High learns that her real Dad isn't Frankenstein's monster, but a hydrocephalic Iron Man and a racist Sofia Vergara. Her little brother is an inept Spider-Man fan who is too young to web sling successfully but tries to fight crime anyway with his family. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 4: A shitty Halloween superstore attempts to advertise their low-quality merchandise before the police catch on and close their 1-month lease. Everyone dies horribly.

Like The Wind Rushing Through My Racist Appliances

Thus ends a week of nothing but solid, reliable EADJ segments.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Painted Pumpkins

Hey, painted pumpkins. Fuck you.

You readymade, unimpressive crafts for the lazy or unskilled. Why carve a pumpkin the old fashioned way, when you can just whip out your acrylics and paint what you couldn't use a simple butter knife to render?

Okay, maybe I can see this as a "safe" pumpkin carving alternative for toddlers and whatnot. But with those new, dulled idiot-proof pumpkin carving kits everywhere,  you'd be hard pressed to somehow cut open an artery unless you were really aiming for one.

Let's face it. Carved pumpkins are infinitely cooler (and more fun to smash by neighborhood kids) than a pumpkin whose insides have never been exposed. Painting a pumpkin is one step away from just giving up on Halloween and leaving your porch light off. Next year, why even bother?

Now, if you see a friend or relative set out a pumpkin and start painting that thing in front of you, show them this essay, and why they're reading this and not looking, plunge a machete into their pumpkin and start the irreversible process of gutting that motherfucker for a real jack o' lantern. They will be left no choice but to see how much better carving really is once they've stopped screaming.

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness

Here's the latest and greatest in surprising and confusing hip hop mixtape covers:

Arrogant flips the bird to the Earth, grabs his Avatar booty bitch and bags of cash and gets away in a flying saucer. Little does Arrogant know that Na'Vi women don't have genitals and simply connect their ponytail to yours to have sex. Whoopsie!

That's different. A mix tape about your full-time job as a systems analyst for a heating supply company in Lawrenceburg, KY.

I've never been a fan of Gucci Mane, so I damn sure don't want to see his no-talent chump ass spitting rhymes about booty and cars in 3D. 'Wow, I can almost reach out and slap that ice cream cone tattoo off his face!'

Borrowed interest that's 30 years old is still borrowed interest.

Yes, Wiz Khalifa, some of us get the reference. No, it doesn't make any sense.

Okay, Jarren Benton. I am puzzled but impressed.

Bishop Lamont sheds his pope hat for a more sensible Common cap and pretends to be waiting to fly somewhere as he masters Plants Vs. Zombies in a Gaussian blur haze.

Declaring yourself a badass King of New York is one thing. Accidentally associating yourself with a Ugandan guerrilla who abducts children to force them to become sex workers is another.

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You're probably wondering why I'm sitting at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, I'm just here to tell you that I remember you. Thanks for listening."