Like a giant shimmering, buttery crablouse, Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster has laid its gelatinous eggs into the public consciousness and has kept dozens of us enthralled with its myriad lobster offerings. Here now are a few more fresh ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:
• We like to call this one "The Dumpster:" any patrons with the stomach for it can pay two dollars to climb into one of our garbage cans in the back. There among the filth, maggots and stench, you'll be armed with only a plastic bib and tongs to fight the raccoons and rats for the few remaining pieces of discarded lobster. Is it all worth the scratches, the rabies, and the two bucks for the measly few chunks of moldy shellfish? I guess. It's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Your lifelong interest in botany drives you to discover a new genus of plant that uses a special lobster pheromone to attract only the biggest, juiciest lobsters and trap them. Fellow botanists will criticize your discovery as "just a stupid cactus with a couple of lobsters glued onto it," but it's only because they're so jealous of your findings. Now, that's one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• We take a bunch of cool, fun things and throw them in with some interesting, amazing delicious stuff. This all gets worked up into a lather and, presto! Some really, memorable, cool, fantastic and specific things happen! Wow fuck, now that's another sweet way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Due to runaway demand and a limited supply of lobster, we now have to accept a special $500 "lobster deposit" for customers. Once your check clears, you are automatically entered in a reservation lottery to see if you have secured a table. The event will be oversold, so there's a really good chance that you will not get a table but still lose your deposit. Just another terrific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Next year, you give up lobster for Lent. But because of the tempting morsels of succulent, moist lobster fritters we offer for a limited time, you break your holy vows with God and chow down anyway. You eventually get excommunicated from the Catholic Church, and even your closest Catholic friends stop praying for your wretched, damned soul. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Traffic cones are distributed to every table without explanation. Then halfway through the meal, world renowned stunt driver Wes Hollingberg drives a car through a wall in the restaurant and drops off a freshly-cooked lobster at each table! Sure, some patrons and servers will get accidentally killed in the endeavor, but that's all a part of being a stunt driver. That itself can be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
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