Here's A Brief List of Things You Can Be Expected To Applaud For At Any Comedy Club

• the incredible and hardworking waitstaff

• how nice the venue looks

• the presenter

• "The Ladies"

• the fact that you're "having a good time"

• that it's the comedian's birthday

• that the comedian has a new baby

• any mention of New York

• any mention of the West Coast

• being single

• being married

• the mention of beer

• the mention of pot

• how handsome Ryan Gosling is

• how strong your drinks are

• Columbus Day

• the enduring popularity of McDonald's food

• how fucking feels good

• our men and women in uniform

• how cool dogs are

• liking big butts

• the Golden Corral

• reversible windows

• the death of "Clippy"

• cosplay

• roma tomatoes

• the end of slavery

• fart spray

• Ron Perlman

• cloth napkins kicking ass

• keg stands

• drinking from a beer boot

• oscilloscopes

• the concept of humility

• Cameron Diaz' film career

• female directors

• USB hubs

• the apostle Peter

• Overstock.com

• fleshlights

• parting your hair on the right

Andrew Dice Clay Is Still Doing It

The following are transcribed from a January performance at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Omaha City, Nebraska:

"Yankee Doodle came to town
riding on a pony,
stuck a feather in some chick's pussy
and she got toxic shock syndrome! Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

"This little piggy went to market,
this little piggy stayed home,
this little piggy had roast beef,
and this little piggy ate some broad out in a Port-a-John and got Hepatitis C! Boom! UnbeLIEVABLE!"

"Hey Diddle Diddle...
Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC would like to you to sit right over there! Let me tell ya, ShabbadabbaDOOM!"

"Little Bo Peep, lost her sheep,
and didn't know where to find them.
Hey, bitch, who told you to leave the kitchen in the first place? Go make me a sandwich, because you're a woman, and you're supposed to do those things! Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
she had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
I know what you can do, lady. You should keep your legs crossed from now on, because you obviously are promiscuous and should be ostracized for being sexually active, because we men have a double standard when it comes to sexual behavior like that! Am I right, fellas? Boom! Helllll yeah!"

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,
why am I obscure now, but other shitty comedians like Dane Cook and Larry The Cable Guy are literally filling up stadiums? Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

Applied Mathematics

Many people may wonder, "How big is Kate Hudson in comparison to Sarah Jessica Parker?" Well, we at EADJ have used simple algebra to find out:

We keep Matthew McConaughey as a constant (with a value of X), and we assign a value to Kate Hudson (KH) and Sarah Jessica Parker (HF).

KH(X) = Y*HF(X), where Y is the scale of Kate Hudson to Sarah Jessica Parker.


We overlay Matthew McConaughey on himself, thereby cancelling himself out.
So KH= Y(HF)


We can now see the relationship between KH and HF. We actually had to scale Sarah Jessica Parker down by 5%, so the value of Y=.95. It also creates either a super-hot lesbian movie or something that makes my penis dive into a wood chipper.

***SUPER BREAKING IMPORTANT EADJ NEWSFLASH UPDATE!!!***

(from the AP Wire)

SOURCES INSIDE 225 NORTH MICHIGAN HAVE CONFIRMED A SPOTTING OF THE ELUSIVE SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON STOP. A WITNESS HAS EVEN CAPTURED PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF OF SAID SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON AND WILL POST TOMORROW STOP.

JOE NUDELMAN (DON'T LAUGH) WILL CONFIRM THE PHOTO TO COMPARE IT WITH HIS OWN EXPERIENCE WITH THE SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON STOP.

(pictured above, a scene from the upcoming Lion's Gate movie "You've Got Dick," wherein two co-workers just yards apart discover that they both ordered the same big black latex cock, when all along they were made for each other. Rated PG-13 for cutesy dialogue, some drug use and a brief shot of scrotum)