Asian Longhorn Beetlemania!

So I got this notice in the mail warning me of an outbreak in Asian Longhorn Beetles. The language was pretty urgent sounding, warning people that Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn and Staten Island were all under the onslaught: "This beetle is a serious threat to hardwood trees in the U.S. and our urban forest." It urged people to chip their old wood furniture or break it down to bundle so that beetles couldn't feed on it. Frankly, it seems like breaking it down and tying it in little packages is only serving the wood up a little nicer for them, but whatever lady.



So despite its incendiary language and glaring lack of erotic photos, the pamphlet was overall a good read. I learned a few new facts about how dangerous the Asian Longhorn Beetle can be:

• The Asian Longhorn Beetle probably arrived in untreated wooden pallets used to ship goods from China.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle attacks mostly hardwood trees like maples, elms, and birch.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle has been known to show up at weddings without having RSVP'd and without bringing a gift.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will ask if it can crash "for a few nights" on your sofa but will end up staying a whole week.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will conveniently get up to use the bathroom right when the restaurant check arrives so that it doesn't chip in for the bill.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle used to date black guys to somehow upset its parents.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will post its opinion of last night's "LOST" as a Facebook status, thus giving away key plot points to his friends who haven't watched it yet.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will emphasize the wrong syllable in "Febreeze" no matter how many goddamn times you correct it.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will prefer Jay-Z over NaS.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will refer to your baby as "it."
• Female Asian Longhorn Beetles wish George in Grey's Anatomy would reciprocate the feelings that intern Lexie Grey has for him.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles won't concede that Blind Faith was a much more prolific and influential rock band than Derek and the Dominos.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will let you merge, but only if you show some tit.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle beefed.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle keeps raving about how hot Scarlett Johansson is although I don't see what the big deal is. She's okay.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles cannot reproduce without watching scat porn.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle wears unflatteringly tight jeans and tops that only highlight their fat rolls.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle has a vanity plate that says "AZALONG"
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will hang out with the stag beetle but would never refer to him as a "friend," which if you ask me is kind of shitty.
• No matter how many times you repeatedly ask for a barbacoa burrito, the Asian Longhorn Beetle will go to Chipotle and order the chicken for you.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles will blame all of their problems on "Mexicans."
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle fucked your sister.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle is typically lazy and dishonest. But there are some Asian Longhorn Beetles that are trying to make a difference in their community by starting outreach programs and volunteering at community centers. Won't you help?
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle can't really sing, so it relies heavily on autotune technology on most of its tracks.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles bought the domain asianlonghornbeetle.com for the express purpose of selling it to someone who would actually do something with it.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will spin the handles while playing foosball instead of just flicking it with the wrist like normal people.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will use its legs to get ahead at the office despite not really being qualified for the promotion. Tramp.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will scold you for using the word "retard" and say they have a retarded brother. But they really don't.
• Many male Asian Longhorn Beetles still wear Members Only jackets.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will get all pissy if the credit card they gave you gets declined twice, then tell you to try it again.
• Most Asian Longhorn Beetles don't follow the "Walk left, stand right" rule on moving walkways.
• "Asian Longhorn Beatles" is a Beatles tribute band that's been known to play a very faithful cover of "Love Me Do" while boring into the trunks of chestnut trees.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will post a photo of their ugly baby as their profile picture in Facebook. I know, that's a second Facebook joke.