Our month of bad continues– albeit with a few glitches– and today we review last Saturday's second Lifetime Nora Roberts Original movie "High Noon," starring that guy from "Opposite of Love" and Claire from "LOST."
What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Ivan Sergei is a renegade, shirtless cop tracking down a jewel thief who turns out to be the blonde chick he's been banging. They have a lot of sex while still not totally trusting each other. Music by The Fray.
What The Movie Was Really About: Claire from "LOST" plays Lieutenant Phoebe McNamara, a hostage negotiator in a city that needs one on a regular basis. Her nemesis turns out to be some SWAT guy whose lover she accidentally let die. He stalks her, bombs a few locations, and naturally takes hostages at the jewelry store where he bought the engagement ring for his dead lover. She tricks him into standing up and a sniper takes him out. The end. Oh, also, Ivan Sergei plays the needy, thoughtful, and mandatorily WEALTHY love interest who makes tea for her and is put off to the side when her career takes a front seat.
What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Two cops meet after their laundry loses both of their loads of clothes. A meteor shower comes and spectacularly destroys their city, so they seek shelter in an underground bunker with plenty of snacks and zombie DVDs, and they play XBox and fuck. They have a robot companion.
Nora Roberts Excellence: A useless role for Cybill Shepherd as Claire's agoraphobic mother. I thought her fear of leaving the house would somehow become a key plot point. Nope!
I also noticed from the two movies that Nora Roberts isn't doing straight up romance; she's inserting her shitty romance stories in more interesting genres like supernatural or crime. Sort of like a tofu burger- it's shaped to look delicious, but it's tofu.
----------Celebrity Damage Index----------
Ivan Sergei: Who? 0 pts. No harm, no foul.
Claire From "LOST": -14 pts. From a fantastic, intelligently written hit series to slumming with Nora Roberts is not a good career move. But it can't be all that terrible if I have yet to learn her name.
Cybill Shepherd: -20 pts. Her star has lost a little luster with this TV movie. But she has looked worse:
Overall rating: F
State of My Mangina: "Plump but Dry"
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