Monday, April 13, 2009

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 3: Northern Lights


Boy, this was a stinker. Combine terrible acting with poor writing with real life gossip of LeAnn Rimes cheating on her husband with the male lead, and you've got a huge bowl of Suck Jambalaya. Or since this was set in Alaska, Suck Herring.

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Eddie Cibrian plays a pilot who crashes near LeAnn Rimes' cabin. They're snowed in, so they pull the penis-in-the-vagina trick a few times. Bank shot!

What The Movie Was Really About: Eddie Cibrian plays the new chief of police in the small Alaskan town of Lunacy. LeAnn Rimes is a headstrong but skilled pilot who needs his help solving the mystery of her father's murder. But since it's a small town, everyone is a suspect! Strangely, nobody blames the minority.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: LeAnn Rimes possesses the superhuman ability to turn everything to ice just by singing some clichéd country songs. Eddie Cibrian shows up to seduce her, but she turns him to ice, smashing him into a thousand crystalline shards. Her vocal chords freeze so that she cannot sing any longer, and a pizza delivery guy knocks on my door with 4 free pepperoni pizzas.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Once again, the female lead is the career-driven aggressor, with the male as an apron-wearing, emotionally-dependent wuss-wuss. Nora Roberts doesn't seem to understand that making female leads strong doesn't mean she has to rip the balls off of her mate. I feel sorry for Mister Roberts, sadly running that Swiffer Duster all over Nora's bric-a-brac.

And is a clip that shows off both LeAnn Rimes' acting chops and Nora Roberts' natural way with dialogue:




----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Eddie Cibrian: Fart. 0 pts.

LeAnn Rimes: -30 pts. Hoping to parlay her spotlight as a singer into some sort of acting career, she signed up for a Lifetime Original Movie and ended up creating a marital scandal instead. Walmart parking lots are now filled with burning piles of her CDs.

Rosanna Arquette: -60 pts. From her amazing roles in "Pulp Fiction" and "Desperately Seeking Susan" to being reduced to THIS:


Yes, you heard that line of dialogue right: "Somebody hacked an ice axe into his chest and left him there to die."

Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Irritated but Clean"

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