Deck the Halls with Boughs of Stale, Substandard Calzones

Eat a Dick, Joel! Eat a Dick, everyone!

SCANDAL ROCKS THE CHICKEN BUCKET!!!!

News vans and reporters are scrambling in front of 225 North Michigan upon hearing that the "FUN PAGES: Draw The Rest of Brad's Body" contest held recently at the Chicken Bucket has been blown wide open with scandal. The fallout: hurt feelings, lost friendships, a lawsuit, and a divorce.

The contest was launched several weeks ago at the request of Ayana, who felt that "it was time for something to go up there." A simple template featuring Brad Harvey's head was made and the contest was announced. Within hours, the Chicken Bucket had been papered with entries, and Phil May had been invited to judge on December 5.

As the deadline approached, May suggested that maybe he shouldn't judge, as he had submitted his own entry! May's entry was balled up and thrown at him, but he was still invited to judge. By now an announcement had been posted by the entries: "The winner receives a free lunch with Brad Harvey, courtesy of Brad Harvey."

Phil May judged and picked a winner, and a ribbon was hung on the winning entry:


Lauren Fontinel and Suzie Caravella had worked together on the winning entry and not surprisingly, expected a free lunch from Brad Harvey. But as days passed, their elation turned into concern. Concern turned into regret. Regret into anger.

Brad had yet to take them out to lunch.

Brad eventually revealed that the entire contest did not have his blessing. He felt that he had been pressured into taking TWO winners to a contest he didn't even know about. His argument: he was out of town or something.


Undaunted by Brad's refusal, Fontinel allegedly took matters into her own hands, applying more pressure to claim her prize. She tacked a note onto the contest invitation: "Where's my free lunch Brad?'

Brad's terse response: "Up your butt Lauren."

In addition to the judging flap and the unresolved prize scandal, the contest has strangely taken on a life of its own. Weeks after the contest was judged, mysterious entries continue to be submitted:

What this means for the two current scandals is unknown. Do people still think they can win a free lunch from Brad? Is Brad taunting the girls? Why did he call them "Lunch-hungry sluts who can swab my nicotine-stained taint?" And who the fuck put THIS up?


Lives shattered. Questions unanswered. Families broken. More to come.

"Eat a dick, Joel" is the new "Shake your moneymaker."

Toss that meat!

A quick search on the iTunes Store revealed there are TWO songs titled "Eat a Dick," by hip hop artists Dirty Minded and dance floor DJ's Maikel & DJ Yves.

Strangely, however, there are zero songs entitled "Eat a Dick, Joel." Search results were even narrowed to "Eat Dick, Joel," to no avail.

We urge the music industry to publish a song with either of those titles and assure them that they have a built-in audience to send that baby up the charts. Joel himself has offered to eat a dick in the music video. Hell, he has tapes of that crap already.

COME ON, ARISTA RECORDS!!!

The Dick You Eat May Be Your Own

As the holiday break approaches, it's important to remember that it's better to eat a dick than it is to have your dick eaten. Or as the Golden rule puts it, "Eat others' dicks as they would have eaten unto yourses."

Today was a banner day in EADJ / NBA relations. Joel managed to eat the dicks of both the Nuggets and the Knicks, thereby ending a violent brawl between them. Nate Robinson claimed to have his balls touched also, but Joel insisted he didn't play any favorites. The endless replays of the dick-eating have been beamed into every living room in the country, including the one of Robinson's grandmother, who was not happy to see her grandson having his dick eaten on the Madison Square Garden floor with the Nuggets' J.R. Smith. Joel's grandmother, however, was drunk.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu models a new bestseller at Urban Outfitters, designed by John Reid)

Apologies and Regrets

"I regret that I have but one dick to eat for my country." - Nathan Hale Thomas

This writer regrets that he did not get to meet with the eponymous Joel in L.A. this week due to scheduling problems. So Joel, consider this entry a heartfelt, written apology:

Hey Joel,

I'm really sorry that we didn't get to have lunch when I was out there. It's my fault, because I somehow let time slip by the 12 days I was in town. And don't think I was honestly avoiding you; I truly was looking forward to seeing you eat dick in person. It's just that I was too busy with work.

To only hear about you eating dick secondhand is not doing you justice. It's unfair to you to report all the dicks you've eaten without seeing it all happen with my own eyes. That's just bad journalism. And this is probably stating the obvious, but I wanted to assure you that whenever I'm in L.A. again, I want to see you eat dick the way I should have these last two weeks. In person.

I hope you can find it in your heart to eat a dick, Joel.

David

(pictured above, Corny clowning around + Unfortunate cropping = Gay porn)

Yay!

(today's post has been submitted by guest EADJ writer Andrew Gall)

Porkchop Sandwiches!

Yay! This is Mister Cringerpants, the cutest kitty in the whole wide world. Tin pirate sign! I had it all!
Memememememe. Look at all your different colored hats!

Yay! Marshall's nuts were ultimately unsatisfying. You're not a pimp, dude! Snakes on a Plane, Vince! Body massage, body massage, body massage, body massage! Now it's time for cake!

Yay! Are you in the army? These beats are so fresh! Weird! Are you Buzz Lightyear? We're all dead, get the fuck out of here! And I say hey yay yay yay yay, hey yay yay. I say hey, what's goin' on? You're not my Dad!


Eat a dick, Joel!

(pictured above, a shopkeeper on Melrose tells J'Net it looks "great" on her.)

Kitten: Saucer of Milk as Joel: Dick

Rosie O' Donnell on The View yesterday morning blasted EADJ for what she called its "crude humor."

Well, this blog isn't named "Brainsmile A Subtle Nuance Joel," is it, Rosie? Its raison d'être is to torment Joel by pointing out how many DICKS he EATS. Not exactly a forum for the droll musings of Oscar Wilde.

To further build on EADJ's brand equity, here are the lyrics to one of Joel's favorite songs, "Islands in the Dick," as sung by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton (and helpfully penned by JOHN REID):

Baby when I met you there was dick dick dick.
I set out to dick you with a fine tooth dick.
I was soft inside
there was dick dick goin' on.
You dick something to me that I can't explain.
Hold me closer and I eat more dick
Ev'ry beat of my dick
we got dick dick dick dick dick
Tender dick is blind
it requires dick dick eating
All this dick we eat needs no conversation.
We eat dick together, uh huh
eatin' dick with each other, uh huh

Islands in the dick that is what Joel eats
More dick in between
how can Joel be wrong.
Sail away with Joel to eat mo-ore dick

And we eat dick with Joel, uh huh
from one dick dick to another, uh huh

I can't dick dick dick dick dick dick dick, dick, dick.
Ev'rything is nothing if you dick dick dick
And you ate dick in the night slowly losin' sight of the real dick.
But than won't happen to Joel and he's got no doubt
Too deep in dick and Joel got no way out and the eating is dick
This could be the dick for the eat dick
no more will Joel cry.
Baby I will hurt you never. We eat dick as one in love forever.
We can ride it together, uh huh
eating dick with Joel Thomas, uh huh

Islands in the dick that is what Joel eats
More dick in between
how can Joel be wrong.
Sail away with Joel to eat mo-ore dick

And we eat dick with Joel, uh huh
from one dick dick to another, uh huh


(pictured above, a typo in a work order results in a farcical photo shoot)

A Man, A Plan, 48 Dicks, Panama!

If wishes were horses, Joel would eat all of those horses' dicks.


Today was a harrowing ordeal of scheduling for Joel. He had a dick-eating event at the Beverly Center at the same time he was supposed to eat dick on the half-court line during a Clippers game in the Staples Center. Howard Earle, his agent and publicist, said that the double-booking was unfortunate but was an indication of Joel's growing popularity. That Howard!

(pictured above, a joke gets less funny now that Joel has fully embraced it)

Episode VI: The Return of the Joeli

One eagle-eyed EADJ reader pointed out that John Reid in the December 12 photo is wearing a spookily similar tracket as Bill Dow's tracket in the December 8 photo. Neat!


In more Joelly news, Joel announced the return to his native Los Angeles. Sick of traveling from dick to dick on that whistlestop tour, he can now hang his coat, put his feet up, and crank out some really terrible screenplays again. This week, he drafts a script about a loose-cannon cop and his ethnic sidekick partner on the trail of a deranged serial killer. BOX OFFICE GOLD.

(pictured above, two PA's participate in a disturbing new Hollywood trend: the worship of knockoff furniture)

Eat the Dicks with Boughs of Joel

Joel doesn't know what he's missing.

While he's out of town on his "EADJ Across America" tour, other C-K alumni are in L.A. on agency boondoggles. It's a virtual whirlwind of reminiscing, kvetching and comparing Threadless t-shirts.

Meanwhile in Chicago, Vince realizes that he's getting married THIS month.

(pictured above, a banana hangs out with 3 yups at a douchebag hotel)

The more things change, the more dick Joel eats.

Oh Joel.

This reporter came to L.A. and even flew out his fiancée so we could meet up with Joel and have some non-dick eating fun. Unfortunately, Joel was flying out for some out-of-town freelance action.

Missed connections. Lost opportunities. Rivers of tears.

In more lighthearted news, Mel Gibson's "Apocalyptico" took the top box office spot.

(pictured above, a snapshot Brad Harvey took of Carsten's crotch as he orders some high-falutin wine)

EADJ: And the Meat Goes On

To those of you who are wondering why we don't post photos of Joel actually eating dick:

Dear people who are wondering why we don't post photos of Joel actually eating dick. There are legal issues involved in posting such photos on blogspot.com. We have been asked to respect both Joel's privacy and that of whoever owns all those dicks. Plus, our dick scanner broke.

(pictured above, Joe Baran reminisces of when Bill Dow and Joel shared a drink and he was nowhere around)

A hunger that cannot be sated. A man who will not be denied.

It's a good thing no one put a dick-eat-ometer on Joel. How could you ever read it with the numbers going so fast?

Joel put in a good day's work today, putting away enough dick to fill four Shea Stadiums. And all this effort has paid off: his admirers have grown exponentially. Joy Behar from The View mentioned Joel before the first commercial break this morning. Robin Meade on CNN introduced a new segment on her morning show devoted to Joel named "Robin's Joel Eat That Dick Corner." A clumsily named segment, to be sure, but only to differentiate it from John Stossel's.

One would think that all this press attention would be a burden on Joel. But sources close to him have gone on record, saying that it has actually liberated him. He's all like, "Look at me! Look at how much cock I can chug!" now.

We can all learn from Joel's example. Except apply it to whatever we like to do, all the time.

(pictured above, Andrew grapples with his irrational phobia of pickles)

It rhymes with Seed a Chick, Bowl

Today was a hectic day for the EADJ committee. We had to fire some of the board members for softening their stance on Joel's eating habits. Get this: some of them proposed that he occasionally "lick balls" as a way to "break the monotony." That simply will not stand. It's EADJ, not LSBJ. What the fuck, y'all.

They were, however, sent away with some lovely parting gifts of Zune MP3 players and a free subscription to Black Tail magazine. Their parking was also validated.

(pictured above, Jeff Scott wonders what smells like ranch dressing)

Day 4: Dick dick dick dick dick. That's a lot of dicks.

Joel's dick-eating prowess remains unrivaled and focused. Earlier this morning, DJ's from local radio station B96 offered Joel a free steak dinner at Lawry's if he stopped with the eating dick. Despite some witty banter and a promise to consider the generous offer, Joel went back to his old ways and continued to chow down the pee-pee. Sorry, Lawry's!

(pictured above, a janitor looks perplexed by the "Draw the Rest of Brad's Body" contest on the Chicken Bucket and can't decide whether to clean it up or not)

Day 3: Why Joel? Why a dick?

We're sure there are some of you out there wondering what in the hell the story is behind "Eat a dick Joel."

Is this all in fun? Is it some kind of low male humor? Is Joel in on the joke?

To this we say: "Who are you to ask? Why are you worrying about Joel? Why are you suddenly defending him? Why have you joined Joel at the dick trough?"

Dick trough joiner. You're a dick trough joiner.


(pictured above, CD Dean Hacohen announces a little motivation to those concepting on Hyatt Place: some shitty Bulls tickets. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.)

EADJ turns 2 days old!

My God. What a long strange trip it's been already. It's only been 48 hours, and we've had a staggering 6 hits already. And in that same 48 hours, who knows how many dicks have been eaten by our hero Joel.

Scientists at the American Wildlife Studies are working on a device that will be able to track Joel's dick-eating habits without disturbing his natural habitat. Of course, this device will be iPod-compatible.

In other EADJ news, we are pleased to announce our affiliation with the much-ballyhooed (RED) campaign, started by U2 frontman Bono. Proceeds of every dick that Joel eats will be converted into much-needed aid for children.

(pictured above, a tuckered out C-Ker takes a nap by the pool table between poker hands)

Welcome to EADJ

This is the maiden voyage of Eat A Dick, Joel: The Blog. This is an open forum for people to share their thoughts, opinions, dreams, and general suggestions for Joel to consume a dick.

This space will also explore the latest technological advances and digital breakthroughs that can help aid Joel in his dick eating.

Eat A Dick, Joel is a nonprofit organization with no corporate affiliation to Fuck a Horse, Dan.

(pictured above, Ray Kunst enjoys another episode of Star Trek in the break room)