This Blog Is Presented With Limited Commercial Interruption by Jingos Crackers

Clerk: Boy, I love Jingos! They're like, totally American. Fuck other countries.

Man: I agree! USA all the way! We should bomb those other countries just for not being us!

Woman: Totes! I just want to fly my flag all day and shoot Mexicans! And Irish!

Clerk: LOL. And the French. And the British.

Man: And people from the island of Fiji.

Clerk: I've never even heard of that place, but fuck them, too.

Man and Woman: LOL. USA USA!

All three: USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Announcer: Jingos Crackers. Kill 'em all. Let God sort 'em out.

6 Lies Told By The Capital City Segway Tours Brochure

1) Not everyone who takes these tours looks like the fat version of the cast of "The Walking Dead."

2) Old fart in the background not guaranteed to be there.

3) Day & Night does not mean you can ride your Segway past the White House at 4am, because that shit will get you shot.

4) There's nothing WWII veterans like better than dodging youngsters on newfangled hovercraft wheel-thingies on the sidewalks.

5) "Cold drinks for cheap" means we won't rape you as bad as the Smithsonian commissary will. $6 for a bottled water instead of $7.50.

6) This QR code doesn't actually go the to "www.CitySegwayTours.com." Try it. (click to enlarge)

Feedback Forum

Do you enjoy the "6 Lies Told" series? We'd like to hear from you. The "6 Lies Told" series was created by "Cheers" creators Les Charles, Glen Charles, and James Burrows in 1987 and is now an upcoming original movie on the Hallmark Channel starring Stockard Channing as the number 3. The "6 Lies Told" series also lives as a set of commemorative saucers from the Franklin Mint and will soon be limited-run bears at your local Build-A-Bear Workshop.

A Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Pria, attendant at Phone Phun at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 1:34pm - 1:40pm:

• picked nose

• straightened the rack of ugly dayglo bedazzled iPhone covers

• adjusted sweater

• adjusted bra strap (left)

• smiled at old woman who wasn't even looking at her

• hummed the theme to "SWAT"

• grabbed crotch/looked around to see if anyone was watching

• alphabetized the lanyards

• lifted right leg to squeeze one out

The following is an accurate account of what Donovan, attendant at That's My Mug! at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 2:14pm - 2:28pm:

• played Angry Birds

• nodded to the attendee of the FLYING THINGS kiosk nearby

• did that thing where you flick your cheek to make a "waterdrop" noise

• straightened row of personalized mugs

• considered having a Cavatini from Pizza Hut for lunch

• straightened row of blank mugs that have yet to be personalized

• said the word "shit" to himself

• thought about Alyson Hannigan

• played Plants Vs. Zombies

• scratched ear

• thought about those new Hobbit movies

• shat himself

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

"No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window. Also I BEAT WOMEN."

 

Sean Price really hates it when gorillas make fun of his rugby shirts.

 

Craig G is frustrated at how American Apparel clothes only come in XS sizes.

 

Cee Lo needs to stop sitting in big, ridiculous looking red things.

 

Frankly, I don't know where to start here. But if it has Gucci Mane and the word "trap" on the cover, you can that hip hop's for shit.

 

A very tiny rapper has zero tolerance for the defacing of public property. Now, how is he going to carry away these comically large wads of dollars?

 

Plies is so punctual that he showed up at traffic court before anyone else did. Ancient computer on the table!

 

Don't play Scrabble with Rocko, btw. He grabs more tiles than he needs and upsets the board if you call him on it.

UAG

American Banner Was Disappointed With The Election

American Banner was disappointed with the election.

Liberals like Mailbox Lid was ecstatic, however.

VCR Buttons was still undecided.

 Burned Down House had bigger problems.

Backing Packaging Board was amused by the turnout.

Target Shopping Cart lost his shit.

Public Phone stood waiting for a cab.

Underside of High Chair Tray was enthused by Obama's second term.

Pylon Light lamented the death of a once great country.

Central Park Column #1 was glad the political ads were off the air.

Central Park Column #2 didn't even know there was an election.

Soda Can Opener was appalled by Central Park Column #2's ignorance.

 

Church Lights wondered how Mitt Romney screwed it up so bad.

 

Coffee Cup was hopeful of new bipartisan cooperation in Congress (submitted by Andrew Gall).

 

Oaklyn Fire Department Coat of Arms wasn't as optimistic.

Headphones felt all warm and happy inside.

 

Taxi Cab CB Receiver wanted Newt Gingrich all along.

 

Small Town Building grumbled in a corner.

 

Steering Wheel Settings realized he should have voted.

 

Salmon Salad With Two Dressings For Some Reason felt a third major political party should be formed.

 

Parking Kiosk got shitfaced.

 

Two Baby Bottles On A Drying Towel felt horrible for Ann Romney.

 

Bathroom Organizers laughed that the results didn't make a difference in the long run.

What The "Plus" Means in Store Names

Health Plus

"Plus" = a chicken salad sandwich with tuberculosis

Park Plus

"Plus"= Newark vagrants urinating on your passenger door

Value Plu$

"Plu$" = Ke$ha and Too $hort's home numbers

Top Shelf Plus Gift Shop

"Plus" = cologne that reeks like Nicki Minaj's taint