Questions To Ask The Attendants To The Self Checkout Registers at Newark Airport

• What's your job here, exactly?

• I mean, it's a job. I get it. But instead of ringing someone up, you just stand there and tell us what to do?

• You're just here to make sure I don't steal anything, right?

• Why the apron?

• Do you expect me to tip you for not doing a job you used to do, too?

• Couldn't you just sit in a chair for this job, too, instead of standing all day?

• How much for these mints? Oh wait. I'll just SCAN them myself.

Life's But a Walking Shadow, a Pathmark, That Struts and Frets His Hour Upon the Stage and Then Is Heard No More.

Question: Gee,why won't any of the clerks clean this up?

Answer:

How Miracle Whip Rebooted Its Image

If you watch soap operas, you may have noticed that Miracle Whip has redone their image to appeal to a younger audience by shortening their name to "MW" and boldly proclaiming that they're "not for everyone."

How did such a classic, fuddy-duddy brand drastically reimagine their own image and not sound like they're trying way too hard to be hip when they're obviously not? With a little help from their marketing department, of course. To get a little insight into the process, we obtained from the Miracle Whip ad agency Hoppes, Fangor & Dunfella some internal marketing materials that they used for the rebranding. Here is what is known as a "mood board," outlining in clipped out photos what the old Miracle Whip brand represented in consumers' minds, and what the new MW brand could represent moving forward.

Click to enlarge:

Stay tuned for more enlightening mood boards that we get from Hoppes, Fangor & Dunfella that we'll fish from their dumpster out back.

Spotted In Newark Airport

Robin Meade continues to hawk her country CD, trying desperately to leave her shitty desk job for a life on tour.

Give it a rest, Robin. You're never going to go platinum, or even gold. Hey, you might go wood.

You can purchase Robin's CD here.

What The "Plus" Means in Store Names

Health Plus

"Plus" = a chicken salad sandwich with tuberculosis

Park Plus

"Plus"= Newark vagrants urinating on your passenger door

Value Plu$

"Plu$" = Ke$ha and Too $hort's home numbers

Top Shelf Plus Gift Shop

"Plus" = cologne that reeks like Nicki Minaj's taint

UAG

My apologies to the makers of Adobe Photoshop for the flagrant misuse of their fine product.