More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"This... make... no... SENSE..."

"Charles wanted my mini waffle on a stick, but he'd have to work harder to get that."

"I TOLD YOU TO SWEEP UP THE CRUMBS IN THE KITCHEN. NOW LOOK"

"She was the one with the yellow umbrella. Which she promptly shoved into your chest."

(translated from Italian) "I don't know if I'm supposed to be a teacher or a student here, but I'm definitely violating the dress code."

"Tee hee! Communists share everything!"

"Fuck, I remember these. This used to be a HoJo."

"Did you catch that pop culture reference meant for adults?"

"Nooooo!"

"You farted. I saw how you leaned in your seat."

"Leave me alone, you relentless bullies!"

"Sorry not sorry, bitches." *shoots gun*

UAG

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

As I've said before, I am an easygoing person and value my friendships, but on Facebook, I am Josef Stalin and will not suffer fools gladly. Especially since Facebook friendships are about as genuine as Raweos are genuine cookies (Wow, 2-hour-old reference!).

So today we are going to defriend a high school acquaintance from North Carolina whose only crime was having an overly zealous friend, one who instantly attributed some unseasonable weather to the Rapture. Think I'm kidding? Read this shit (I replaced S____'s profile photo with a North Carolina icon and her friend's profile photo with Maude Flanders):

Is that really in Scripture?

The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. So God made it sleet a little in part of the Southern United States but only for a few minutes. For this- when mankind cannot tell one season from the other-was a sign unto men that the end was nigh.

This does mark the first time someone has been defriended solely on the behavior of their other friend. So what.

Oh happy day! No longer friends!

An Imagined Conversation.

The following photo was found on the front page of the current issue of Local Talk, "New Jersey's Weekly Newspaper Covering Oranges, Irvington, Maplewood, Bloomfield, Montclair, Newark & More:"




Here now is that imagined conversation, already in progress:

Carol: Hey Sally.










Sally: Hi Carol. Sorry I'm late.










Carol: No, you're just in time. Now you can hold up the other end of the sign. I was propping your side up against the newspaper machine there.








Sally: Okay. Do you want coffee? I need a coffee.










Carol: Sally, you just got here.










Sally: I know, but I need my coffee to get the ol' juices flowing. I was in a rush, and I didn't have time to get my hair done, and I had to let the dog out, and...








Carol: "Get the juices flowing?" Sally, really.










Sally: It's not dirty. It's an expression I heard from Cyrus. And you know he doesn't swear.










Carol: Hold the sign straight, Sally. We're protesting here.










Sally: Yes, you're right. SAVE THE DEER!










Carol: SAVE THE DEER!










Sally: SAVE THE DEER!










Carol: SAVE THE... you're shaking the sign, Sally.










Sally: Sorry. This bag of copies is throwing me off.










Carol: Copies?










Sally: Yes, I made copies of my resumé to hand out! You wanna see?









Carol: I don't feel like you're taking this protest seriously, Sally. South Mountain's deer depend on us. And Shirley if she ever gets here.








Sally: Shirley is a whore and a slut.










Carol: SALLY!










Sally: I'm sorry. But the way she stole my sister's husband, I will never forgive her for. She's a homewrecker and a tramp.









Carol: Leave it out of the protest. Keep your mind here to protect the deer. SAVE THE DEER!









Sally: You're going to hate me, Carol, but I'm just not prepared to do this today. You've got your gloves and your Ugg boots, and I don't even have my hair in a bun, and I'm distracted from Shirley stealing Gerald from Anne. And the dog has diarrhea...Wait. Did that man just take a photo of us?





CLICK.