Unless you've been a Catholic living under a rock or a non-Catholic, or a Catholic who hasn't attended church in a while which sounds like a whole lot of Catholics I know, you may have noticed that many of the words you've recited mindlessly by rote all your life in Mass have changed since November of last year.
"What's the dilly, yo?" you may ask your priest. The answer is that your Mass is still the same but features new translations of prayers from Latin to English. And since Eat A Dick Joel is your main source of spirituality, here now we highlight the most significant changes in your Mass text:
• "Our Father" now replaced with lyrics from the opening credits for "Land of the Lost"
• The Nicene Creed is now more Niceney.
• The Apostle's Creed is now required by law to be recited alongside a member from Creed (it doesn't have to be Scott Stapp).
• When the priest says "The Lord be with you," you can now say "Ditto."
• General Intercessions now include a common prayer for Katherine Heigl to stop making movies.
• For the first time ever, worshippers are allowed to enjoy a Snickers bar during the service.
• The Epiclesis is explained in better detail during the Anamnesis.
• The Recessional hymn is interrupted by a referee's whistle if anyone tries to leave their pew before the last verse.
Fortunately, the dress code in church has stayed the same:
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