Wednesday, December 6, 2017

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 6: "A Christmas Detour" Starring Candace Cameron Bure and Paul Greene


Krampus is a terrifying holiday demon from ancient European folklore who punishes children who've misbehaved and sometimes even kidnaps and tortures them. And I believe a visit from him would've been more pleasant than watching this festering glittered wound of a Hallmark movie, "A Christmas Detour." Really, it's like a violent kick in the eye from a reindeer's hoof. Like getting anally violated with a candy cane (you know with which end). Like having a piping hot mug of cinnamon apple cider thrown in your face while getting beaten in the genitals with shepherd's crooks.


Plot summary: "An anxious bride-to-be throws in with a broken-hearted guy and a happily married couple for an emergency ride to NYC, learning about each other and themselves along the way."

The anxious bride-to-be is a shrill, one note harpy who demands seat changes and hotel room upgrades– you know the kind of person at the airport you want to murder. The broken-hearted guy is a Candide-like aw-shucks optimist who takes all the flight cancellations and weather delays with an infuriating grain of salt. The happily married miserable couple look like they just stepped out of an Immodium commercial.












The invisible forces of romantic comedy, however, converge to bring him and her together in unnatural and utterly uncharming ways. 










 





DID YOU KNOW? It's not cheating if it's under mistletoe during Christmas. 






And to top it all off, they ruined my perfect score:


Romance Factor: 2 out of 10
Christmas Cheer: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 1.5 out of 10
Time Until First Kiss: 57:15


Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I did NOT enjoy that one.

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