Like a Pathmark Touched For The Very First Time

Yes, that is ice cream left hidden amongst tea.

Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Change The Color of a Web Page Background Using CSS

The background-color property in CSS applies solid colors as background on an element. Here's an example:

html {
   background-color: #82a43a;
  }

The example used above (#82a43a) is called a hex code, and it is one of several ways that CSS has to represent a single color. Hex codes are one way to declare a color in CSS. There are also a whole bunch of names that you can use, for example:

.page-wrap { background: white; }
footer { background: black; }
.almonds { background: blanchedAlmond; }

These colors aren't very flexible, but they can come in handy in a pinch. They're easier to remember than hex codes, and there are a ton of them.  Another way to declare a color is to use RGB, RGBa, HSL, or HSLa:

#page-wrap {
   background: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.8); /* 80% Black */ 
} 
.widget {
   background: hsla(170, 50%, 45%, 1); 
}

Unlike hex codes, these values allow for transparency (alpha), which can be super useful.


And speaking of useful, if you're ever riding in the back of my limo on a date, and I somehow get a flat and have to change the spare, that would be the perfect time to prove to your lady friend that you're not a useless millennial shithead and come help me change the darn tire like a man. Be safe, kids.

The ProofrEADJer: Not November Yet Edition

  

And I thought these were just random initials but realized they meant to write "EACH."

Aerobed. A Family Company.

Aerobed is sending a clear message to its customers: their line of air mattresses– whether it's the 17" One-Touch Comfort or the Elevated Queen 18"Airbed– are NOT to be used for premarital sex. PERIOD.

Aerobed, whose parent company is the Wichita, Kansas based Coleman Company, Inc., is making it abundantly clear that they will not tolerate unmarried intercourse on their inflatable vinyl beds. Their patented stability base provides extra support for married house guests who are staying over, not for two lust-addled young people to hungrily fuck without committing to the eternal vows of matrimony.

Even their box graphics clearly show a young couple not just betrothed but 100% married, as indicated by the happy groom's prominent band. So if they do agree to engage in sexual congress on this airbed, whereby he takes his erect penis and thrusts it into her moistened, lubricated vagina, it's allowed under the eyes of God and not some tawdry, illicit affair that would damn their souls to hell.

UAG

Coming Soon To the Hallmark Channel: "Marry Meat Christmas"

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A Sneak Peak At Info Wars's Upcoming Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones is a batshit cockdick. His extreme right lies have been lovingly handcrafted from artisanal bullshit and blended with hand-yanked suckwackery to bring you a varietal of potent shitshittery that goes down smooth to the dumbfucks who want to hear it. He and Info Wars have graciously given EADJ a preview of the tenuous nonfactual connections and manufactured fictions that they are about to squeeze from their buttocks to your willing ears. Here are a few things to look forward to from them:

• Camelot Music was started by a young Hillary Clinton in the 80s to spread AIDS on cassette

• Changing rooms are infected with CIA gonorrhea to convert Christians to slutty gay squirrels

• Since 2006, all Democratic house members have been elaborate overhead transparencies

• The musical group Maroon 5 gets a royalty check every time someone says the word "empowered."

• The show "Goof Troop" was pretty good
• Wendy's chili is actually made from the meat of killed Native American DACA protesters
• Vermont isn't a real state but a marketing scam perpetuated by liberals Ben & Jerry.
• Impotent conservative rage doesn't actually make your dick shrink. That's from cocaine.
• Oprah and Lady Gaga run weekly lesbian vegan satanic drug orgies from Build-A-Bear Workshops.

Cheapo Construction Companies

The other week we had an entry that featured a poster with some safety site icons:

Then earlier today I was doing a search for stock imagery for warning signs for work, when I came across these same icons on a free website:

Hmm. I guess using free stock imagery for posters is a lot cheaper than chaining undocumented graphic designers to a radiator and making them crank out six quality icons that can stand out at 20 feet. It's just economics.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of October 19

Jallo!

This is Kurtzmann at front desk! I say hello to all of you all every day! It become my turn to send out reminder that sheets of time be submit today before end of today. Please do so now so that I can let you out of building! I am kidding- I am not allowed to do that for real life. Happy face.

Here they are:

935888 - Status meeting re-rescheduling

525001 - Arguing that At The Drive In! is more influential than TV On The Radio

313208 - Demanding your donated plasma back

712204 - Convincing HR that whipping out your dick is a religious practice

533788 - Preparing your rhymes for tonight's battle cipher

891341 - Bonding with the mail room guys over hating geese

118270 - Making a stipple portrait of John Oliver by throwing pencils at the ceiling

424728 - Giving head to the Dominos guy because you forgot your wallet

661820 - Fishing your smartphone out of the toilet

484012 - Really turning this place around

920130 - Pleading with a bear

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

14 Surprising Things Millennials Do and Don't Do

1) They don't say ".com" when mentioning sites like Match.com, Monster.com or Bestgore.com

2) When sharing a ride in a Lyft car, they don't feel the need to make conversation or even acknowledge other human beings. Like look at this asshole:

3) They know every lyric to every A$AP Mob song, but they've never heard of Kurt Cobain.

4) They don't make eye contact, shake hands, or smile.

5) If you ask them about "Duck Tales," they'll ejaculate in their skinny jeans.

6) If you leave any of your belongings outside near them, they'll compost it.

7) You can disperse a crowd of them by throwing a small ball of gluten.

8) The only media they trust is Instagram blogging star Cazz♮8⬟☠🙇SiswPO who has over 895 trillion followers.

9) They only communicate via memes, emoticons and gifs.

10) If you took away their phones, they would lose the ability to defecate and would eventually die.

11) You can temporarily distract them with a bowl of glass shards or an Etch-A-Sketch painted silver.

12) They are the first generation not to claim to be spiritual or religious, which is just as well since they don't have souls to begin with.

13) A group of them is called a gaggle. No, wait. Those are geese. I like them.

14) Good news! They're currently trending but will soon be jaded and bitter like the rest of us.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of October 9

Twitter is the tool of tools. The mouthpiece of morons. The megaphone of ultra-douches. But even the tooliest douches refuse to use the following hashtags. So go ahead and emblazon your dumb tweets with them yourself, you bottom-feeder:

#gazellepussy

#abstinencefetish

#MarioKartfairness

#PuncturedLungIdol

#knittedcrackpipecozy

#TedCruzinalobsterbib

#KochBrotherscrowdfunding

#PantsOnTheGrounddubstepremix

#HarveyWeinsteinteambuildingexercise

Some X-Men Ideas Based On A Building Safety Notice

Overlong setup:

20th Century Fox has the rights to all X-Men films. The problem is, the immensely successful "Logan" killed off all the X-Men, along with Logan himself and Professor X. And although the Deadpool franchise is going to continue being a box office smash, 20th Century Fox desperately needs ideas for new X-Men. Desperate for some new superheroes, their writers turned to a building safety notice on the corner of 16th and Park in New York City. Here now are six upcoming X-Men movie ideas:

"The Derby" starring Ansel Elgort. Elgort is an assistant at a high end haberdashery who witnesses a robbery and puts on a prototype derby hat that can FIGHT CRIME! Directed by Corey Yuen, The evil Men's Wearhouse owner is played by Peter Stormare in a fake beard.

"G@@gles" starring Chris O' Neal and Derek Luke. A rising ophthalmologist in Chicago gets bitten by a contaminated fly and gains super vision, enhanced even more by his new powerful goggles invention. He FIGHTS CRIME with his newfound talents. Derek Luke plays the turned-evil optometrist with a laser pointer.

"X-Vest" starring Johnny Galecki, Mark Jackson, and Lily Collins. Johnny Galecki plays a pickpocket who accidentally steals an experimental vest from a NASA base. The vest triggers his mutant power of super strength and effortless directing of traffic. Voila: X-Vest!

"White Boot, Invisible Boot" starring Rosa Salazar, Hope Davis and Richard Gere. A young employee at a shoe store discovers two mismatched alien boots. The boots are radioactive and enhance her mutant abilities for super speed, super leg strength and the ability to WORK IT.

"White Glove, Invisible Glove" starring Dane DeHaan. Same shit as above but with gloves.

"I Don' Wanna Hear It" starring Daniel Dae Kim, Ana de Armas and Chris Pine. Daniel Dae Kim plays a cosmic being from another universe whose extraordinary hearing is aided by a pair of magical headphones to hear crime being committed. Chris Pine plays the villainous manager of HEAR Music.

Beach Rocks Was Mellow.

Beach Rocks was mellow.

Radio Controller Instructions was wired.

Airplane Coffee Control Panel didn't give a shit.

Vending Machine Bill Slot seethed with rage, however.

Back of Brick Building does his best Goofy impression.

Step Stool is absolutely shocked.

Fruit Plank is just happy to be here.

Two Way Sign would rather be somewhere else.

Udon Noodles wants to kill himself.

Outside Ashtray is drunk and would like to tell you a hilarious story.

Fast Food Mini Oven is all business.

Two Water Fountains is uncomfortable with you staring at her.

♪ We can't go on together... with suspicious wines...  ♫

"Yarrrgh, matey!"

Dumpster Handle is without words.

Freshly Baked Pastries laugh it up.

Green Map Area is a psycho puppet.

"Help me! I'm trapped!"