Thursday, February 11, 2016

Here Are The Terrible Things That Will Befall You If You Fail To Collect All Four Slurpee Mustache Straws At 7-Eleven

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven is hopping to attract hipsters with its new Slurpee mustache straws ($0.99 each) and plastic mason jar mugs ($2.99 each). Many of their stores' front windows display posters say "COLLECT ALL FOUR!" But what they don't tell you is what would happen to you if you didn't collect all four mustache straws. Beware!

• Your balls will fuse into one big ball, then fall off.
• Everything you recorded on DVR somehow becomes recordings of "Whitney."
• You will develop unpoppable acne on your eyeballs.
• Pizza Hut pizza will somehow start tasting good to you.
• Your own mother won't recognize you, thinking you're that bearded fat guy from "Home Improvement."
• You'll wake up with a full back tattoo that reads "YOLO - NO RAGRETS"
• Every job interview you go on will end with you calling the HR person "Tango Tits."
• You will lose every game of Monopoly that you'll ever play (okay, no difference there)
• Every time you cum, you'll also vomit two gallons of bile.
• The only people you fall in love with will all somehow be ISIS operatives.
• All of your credit cards will be declined except for your Discover card, which you can't get rid of.
• Coconut will taste like meringue to you. Meringue will taste like shaving cream.
• You will wake up as a loyal 10 year Comcast customer.

No comments: