Monday, January 25, 2016

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition

See 2015's entry here.

Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600

Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts

Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?

Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.

Brand: Certo

Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis

Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"

Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes

Brand: Medline

Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.


Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle

Brand: Monogram

Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.

Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.

Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.

Brand: Chalet

Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey

Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.

Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks

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