See 2015's entry here.
Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600
Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts
Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?
Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.
Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis
Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"
Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes
Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.
Brand Promise: PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS IN TOILET
Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle
Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.
Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.
Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.
Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey
Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.
Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks