And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fight Winter Allergies

It's winter and the air outdoors is crisp and pollen-free. But make sure the air indoors is just as clean to prevent allergies:

1) Make sure you store any firewood outside, to keep mold and pollen where it belongs.

2) Dust and dust mites thrive because of your heating system. Professional cleaners can give your ducts a clean bill of health. Change heat system filters at least once a month.

3) When it's very cold outside, keep your face covered. Going from very cold air to very warm indoor air can trigger an asthma attack.

And speaking of attacks, if you're ever in a relationship that's physically abusive, hire my limo service, get in the car, lock the door, and I'll drive you the hell out of that situation. For free. Be safe kids.

Answers To Last Week's "Which Can, Erickson?"

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Legal note: EADJ does not intend to suggest that these particular bathrooms are hobo friendly, nor are we condoning the outright prohibition of hobos at any of these locations. Also, the hobos we are referring to are the old-fashioned train-riding hobos and we are not poking fun of the very real homeless problem. Here, give to this charity if it makes you feel better.

Coming Soon: The Soft Nougat Of Montelimar

Towering over the crumbled wasteland of processed snacks and inorganic foodstuffs stands the noble, the mighty, the golden Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

[Play this music while reading on]



O Grandiloquent,
O Vaunted,
O Most High Soft Nougat

Upon The Bounteous Peaks of Montelimar
Ye Standeth as a Clarion Beacon
Bearing witness to the mortal struggles of the lowly chemical snacks
The foul, superficial brittleness of the crisp
The vulgar impurity of the milk chocolate
The base, waxy peanuttiness of the peanut butter wafer
All lie as mere dirt between the toes of servants to the Most Pure Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

With Honey of Lavendar
And Misspelled Glucose Syrop
Thy bounty showers forth in a Vanilla Aroma most Natural

Sending forth the sensations of taste in a combination unseen heretofore!
Laying to waste and dust generations of inferior apéritifs!

IT IS A PRODUCT OF FRANCE.

Bow before the Nougat, unworthy Pringle!
Bow before the Nougat, undeserving Chiclet!
Bow before your Master, Bite-Sized Pretzel!
Bow before your King, all ye inferior snacks, both salty and sweet!

BOW BEFORE THE EXALTED, THE MOST HIGH SOFT NOUGAT OF MONTELIMAR!



Available at Whole Foods and some GNCs. May contain eggs.