Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Here Are All The Terrible Things That Will Happen If You Fail To Collect All Four Slurpee Mustache Straws at 7-Eleven

• the sky will rain bile
• goats will start tweeting their bleats
• Katherine Heigl will get her own talk show
 • Ticketmaster will start requiring you to lick a dog's asshole for every ticket purchase you make
• Guns 'N Roses will threaten to release another album
• Couches will become less comfy
• Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will learn to act
• banjos will become a romantic instrument
• certain brands of dildo will start vibrating like they mean it
• Ke$ha will be converted to Ke£ha
• [insert lame New England Patriots cheating joke here]
• neo-nazi groups will introduce the fancier "swash-tika"
• The world's supply of chives will vanish, leaving you with just sour cream flavored potato chips

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