Hey folks. Paul Blart, Mall Cop here. Just patrolling and canvassing the Burlington Mall from the Orange Julius to the JC Penney, making sure your retail experience is safe and drug-free.
What's that?! I hear a commotion over by Perfumania! To the Segway!
"Better latte than never." Well, that's not really a C48 violation, per se. More like just lazy writing- latte doesn't even rhyme with late. I'm letting them off with a stern warning…OUCH! I just stubbed my toe on this planter! Now my pants fell down!
Wait! I spot something over at the daycare center across the street!
Awww. "O-'fish'-ally." The quotes around the word "fish" really make this a darling, acceptable pun. And just look at the terrific colors on that display! I can't get mad at this… OWWWW! I just walked into a streetlamp! Now my pants fell down and I lost my gun!
Oh, look. Something over at the supermarket next door. Better investigate.
"Instore?" Is that even a pun? That's not even a real word! Stop & Shop needs to hire a proofreader. Either that or start hiring people with high school diplomas… GAAAHHHH! I just walked into a steak knife display, and now my intestines are pouring out, and my pants fell down! Hoo boy!
Onward.
Now THIS is a bad pun! Yes, finally! Uber, you are in clear violation of Mall Code 34.7. This is a terrible pun! I'm going to enjoy hauling you to the Mall Police Headqu… AAAAAHHHHH! I just slipped on a puddle of ice cream and landed head-first between an 80-year-old woman's boobs! And she's lactating! AAAAAAHHHHH! My pants fell down!
Sir, excuse me, sir? Do you mind coming with me? Where are you from? Appleton, Wisconsin? That's Green Bay Packer country, right? Well, that might explain your AWFUL SHIRT with a deplorable pun and an old reference from "The Office." Very fresh. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the ma…GAAAHHHHH! I just stepped into a vat of hot chili! Now I've scalded my legs up to my thigh, and my pants somehow fell down OUTSIDE of the vat of hot chili! Who put this vat of chili by the fountain, anyway? So unsafe.
Oh man. I think I'm going to hyperventilate. This is such an amazingly bad pun. Can't breathe. I'm going to have to lie down next to the edge of this railing hanging over the fireworks kiosk. That feels better. I can just lie here for a couple of minutes and… WHOOAAAAAAAAAHHH IIIIII'MMMMM FAAAAAALLLLLLIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!
(Directed by Steve Carr)
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