The Few Things I've Learned About The Tapout Crew Just By Looking At Photos Of Them and Nothing Else

1) The Tapout Crew consists of three members: Guy With Dumb Hats and Makeup Who Always Has His Mouth Open, Miniature Cholo, and Accountant With Disco Wig.

2) The Tapout Crew exists to promote Tapout, the clothing brand. Or is it an energy drink? Maybe it's a mixed martial arts league? Fuck if I know.

3) Of all his dumb hats, Guy With Dumb Hats and Makeup seems to prefer the dumb top hat with the fur fringe the most; it's his fall-back hat.

4) When taking photos, Guy With Dumb Hats and Makeup probably isn't making any noise with his open mouth, which looks pretty pathetic when you're on set.

5) Miniature Cholo's action figure is 1:1 scale.

6) The three members of Tapout Crew often weep openly whilst jerking each other off in the back of a limo on the way to a gig. This acts as a motivating ritual for two of them.

***ABSURD TRAGIC UPDATE***

Uh, apparently, one of these gentlemen DIED in 2009. Whoops.

The ProofrEADJer: Goodbye May Edition

This next one took a minute to understand. "Tombstone Sipeet?" Judging from the "Spooky Lane" below it, I figured the one above it should read "Tombstone Street," but some Chinese worker read the letters wrong and hand-wrote "Sipeet" instead.

New York. The Most Exciting City In The World.

Pictured below, a vendor at Penn Station checks to see if he has enough Zagnuts.

A Tempting Scenario At The Supermarket

There, in the produce department. About crotch-height, a scale.

It's about 10:30pm, and hardly anybody else is in the supermarket. No security cameras in sight.

What to do… what to do...

Oh. Also the burning question, how many grams is my dick?

Let's Seriously Redact The Shit Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom W via text:

"This picture was on the wall of labor and delivery at Roosevelt hospital. I have no idea what artistic value it possesses."

Yes, that's his shit in the gutter.

[Editor's note: The identity of the mother and son have been obscured for their privacy, and the boy's dangling genitals have been covered by a photo of Chinese potatoes.]

***UPDATE: ****

"And two pics down from that? Howdy Doody molesting Raggedy Ann."

UAG

Must be a shitty/busy week when there are two UAG's within 5 days.

Get It Right! "Star Trek: Voyager" Actress Kate Mulgrew (Circa 1990s) Vs. NY1 Anchor Roma Torre

Get it right! Although they look remarkably alike, actress Kate Mulgrew (circa 1990s) and NY1 Mid-Day Anchor Roma Torre are two entirely different people!

Kate Mulgrew's character Kathryn Janeway was a decorated 24th Century Starfleet officer, most noted for her service as captain of the starship USS Voyager.

Roma Torre has won more than 25 broadcasting awards, including an Emmy for reporting and anchoring the Avianca plane crash disaster in 1991.

Captain Janeway was known for her directness, compassion and brilliant strategic mind.

Roma Torre was the recipient of the Newswomen’s Club of New York's 2003 Peggy Award for Broadcasting, for her review of the Broadway show "Big River."

Janeway has been known to tangle with the Ferengi alien race many an episode.

Torre has been known to steal ratings from FiOS 1, the Verizon cable equivalent of NY1.

Get it right! Captain Janeway loved knitting as a hobby. She even made a monogrammed blanket for then newborn Naomi Wildman.

Roma Torre lives for the theatre, even when she's not reviewing a show for work.

Kate Mulgrew's fan-run Twitter account.

Roma Torre's Twitter account.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Duck Handled Umbrellas

You've seen 'em in stores. You've spotted them in terrible catalogs. You've even seen fat, un-marry-able women carrying them on overcast days. They're duck-handled umbrellas, and they're more annoying than they are charming.

No, let me change that. They're 80 times more annoying than they are charming. Meaning for whatever slight amusement they give one owner, they make 80 people want to kill them.

What's the attraction? "Hey, everybody, I've got a surprising, whimsical handle on my umbrella!" No, you're carrying around a perfectly functional umbrella that's been ruined by a lapse in good taste.

"Nice weather for ducks" is the expression I imagine duck-handled umbrellas are referencing. And what an archaic, unfunny "Family Circus" expression it is. Why not make an "I Dunno" or a "Not Me" umbrella instead? Do you understand that reference? You suck.

"Well, maybe they're for children," you might propose. No, if those umbrellas were really for children, they'd have Spider-Man handles and My Pretty Ponies printed all over the umbrella itself with an embedded playable Nintendo in the shaft. No, a real umbrella for kids would actually be fun, not a half-assed, hastily-painted carving of a duck's head. The people who own these types of umbrellas aren't allowed anywhere near children.

Even more detailed, more expensive versions of the duck-handled umbrella are tacky and unnecessary. All they do is make people question your judgement even more. Fuck duck-handled umbrellas with an angry, rain-soaked mallard penis.

UAG

TGI ProofrEADJER

Fashion/Song Lyrics Round Up

Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sari.

Now whip it

Into shape

Shape it up

Get straight

Go forward

Take the A train

Try to find it

Where the fuck is it

So, Senator,

So, Janitor,

So long for a while

Remember, You're never fully dressed

Without a smile! 

On a warm summer's eve

On a train bound for nowhere

I met up with the gambler

We were both too tired to sleep

So we took turns a-starin'

Out the window at the darkness

The boredom overtook us, he began to text

You oughta be in pictures,

You're wonderful to see,

You oughta be in pictures, 

Oh what a hit you would be! 

My Adidas

walked through concert doors

and roamed all over coliseum floors

I stepped on stage, at Live Aid

All the people gave and the poor got paid

[No lyrics, just instrumental traditional Bolivian music]

Let's Beat A Hasty Exit Via The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew via text:

Yep. DONG TONGS.

The ProofrEADJer: Two-Days-Until-The-Premier-of-"Godzilla"-Starring-Bryan-Cranston Edition

EXTAR!