Emily VENTS 3 in Terrifying 3D

Here's that semi-irregular segment where Emily Kane sounds off on whatever cheeses her off that day. She is not being compensated for these unsolicited opinions.

Previously, Emily vented about the social posts of Potbelly Sandwiches. This time, she'll be venting about the social posts of Potbelly Sandwiches.

No scarecrow needed.

Yer so bad. Wipe your mouth, MS Paint.

Yes, I’ll have the Barbara Streisandwitch.  Extra nose. 

“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall”

Eat a sandwich, dick.

I admit their sandwiches look better when photographed in a prison cell.  

#foreveralone

Hey, I’m sandwiches for hands guy, now gimme some candy!

Just like grandma used to make. 

Extra Cap’n Crunch and croutons, please.  I’d like all the skin hanging from the roof of my mouth, if possible.

…

A gif in which a snowman dies.  You think it’s a latte but no.  Hot soup.

This belongs in the worst diorama anyone has ever made.

It's like they're on to me.

Another Brief Summary of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Thinking

The following is an accurate account of what Sela, attendant at the "Cool Topic" kiosk in the Seven Bridges Mall in Dispatch, MA did while working on July 20, 2013:

• tried to fit her fist in her mouth

• thought about the plot holes in "Pacific Rim"

• called her daughter to ask what "twerking" is

The following is an accurate account of what Kelvin, attendant at the "Solo Computing" kiosk in the Valhalla Shopping Center in Kergie, SC did while working on July 18, 2013:

• gave the manager at Bose the stink eye

• adjusted his piercing by uncrossing his legs

• vowed to befriend a Jew this year

The following is an accurate account of what Rodney, attendant at the "Coin Connexion" kiosk in the Dumphrey Mall in Sarasota, FL did while working on July 18, 2013:

• beat his high score on Draw Something

• licked his canker sore raw

• remembered that his wedding anniversary was two weeks ago

The following is an accurate account of what Mikembe, attendant at the "Bath Fitter" kiosk in the High Point Mall in West Egg, AZ did while working on July 19, 2013:

• hummed that Amy Grant song

• made a mental note to smile more, even when he was constantly in excruciating pain

• recited every one of Susan Sarandon's lines in "Bull Durham," but in Swahili

The following is an accurate account of what Yancey, attendant at the "Hatfuckers" kiosk in the Fictional Mall in New Delhi, PA did while working on July 21, 2013:

• tried to understand today's "Garfield"

• smoothed his flyaway eyebrows

• shat his Dockers

The following is an accurate account of what Layney, attendant at the "Eyebrow Threading Now!" kiosk in the Eastlake Mall in Jaundice, MS did while working on July 17, 2013:

• disowned her family by text

• threaded this fat cow's nasty-ass eyebrows

• scratched her eczemic taint with a pencil 

As If Pot Smokers Didn't Have Bad Enough Hygiene Already.

Add tooth decay to the list. Spotted at a hip-hop festival last month, some one-hitter-shaped candy called "Lollipipes:"


"Edible candy that doubles as a pot pipe? How does it work?" Well, dummy, first you pack your weed into the bowl, then you light the bowl and smoke it, then you get super-high, and start coming up with ridiculous ideas like "Hey, man, what if this pipe were made of candy, then we could start selling it and actually make rent this month?" Then you eat the candy pipe and wonder why it tastes burnt.


While I applaud the entrepreneurial spirit of marketing a new invention, I can't get over how utterly stupid this Lollipipe thing is. It seems marketed to those kids young enough to still enjoy candy but are old enough to start trying drugs; basically it's people who wear pacifiers to raves, and didn't everyone stop doing that after 1999? Shit.


I guess the ONE good thing about Lollipipes is that if you eat enough of them, you'll get a big enough cavity in one of your teeth so you can hide your stash in it.

Chargers?!

A while ago I did an entry about shams, those decorative pillows that sit behind the real pillows that you're not supposed to use for some reason. So last week I learned about "chargers."

For you uninitiated, charger plates are the sham of the dinner table; they're oversized plates that sit under the real plates and are removed as soon as food is served. One website even said that "there are metal, card, papier maché, rattan and even leather charger plates."


I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: What the hell. Who needs a decorative, non-usable plate under your real plate? Are your real plates not nice enough? Why create another thing for a host to deal with on top of serving the food and entertaining the guests?

So many questions. Oh chargers, why do you exist?




Next week, we'll cover decorative pants you're not supposed to wear and decorative windows that you're not supposed to look out of.

Iko Iko Eat a Dick

A furious argument between Joel and his chimp servant resulted in a shutdown of internet access for the entire apartment complex. Mrs. Jannis downstairs complained that she was busy reading plot summaries for "Passions" when it shut down. Jimmy and Duncan in 3A were chatting with whores on the True® dating network. Bryan Dixon was updating his myspace page for the 8,644,301st time, adding some photos of some city in the Czech Republic. I forget which.

Joel and his chimp servant apologized to most of the complex. Except for old Mr. Fischer, who has yet to give Joel back his dick bowl from that potluck dinner.

(pictured above, Emily S rubs her strep ass all over the Café Kriv)