As has been reported before, Paramount, United Artists, Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures, and 20th Century Fox have all run out of movie ideas, so in desperation they have sent scouts to the seed section of the Stop 'N Shop supermarket in Union, New Jersey to drum up some new possible feature film properties. Here now are the most recent optioned films:
"Shasta Daisy" starring Jason Statham and Jaime Pressly
After having witnessed the assassination of a city official, a stripper named Shasta (Pressly, natch) must hide out from the faceless government goons with the help of her co-worker/bouncer/ex-boyfriend Kurt Daisy (Statham). Along the way they discover they're not that different from each other in what they want from life. Also staring Alfred Molina as Mayor Romero Costas.
"Sweet Basil" starring Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling and directed by Nick Cassavetes
The cast and director of the "Notebook" reunite in this incredibly romantic Nicolas Sparks-ish adaptation of a seed packet label. McAdams plays Basil, a young woman forced to work in the gardening section of Home Depot because she cannot run a register worth a damn. Gosling plays her understanding manager who shows her the beauty in gardening and the outdoors. Also featuring Geoffrey Arend as a really dickish customer and Stanley Tucci as himself.
"Four O' Clocks" starring Tom Hanks, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Julie Bowen and Dax Shepard.
This futuristic thriller captures the lives of four Information Collectors as they race against their respective clocks to find the source of the enigma anomaly glitch. Featuring special effects by Industrial Light & Magic and also starring Ron Eldard as a future cop and Lance Reddick as a world-weary time traveler who knows the end of this dumb movie already.
"Cosmos" starring Sean Bean, Jennifer Connelly and Armie Hammer
A gay man (Bean) joins the space academy at NASA in 1966, only to find rampant homophobia. Through courage, determination and a plethora of rocket jokes, he and his fake "wife" (Connelly) show the system that it's okay to be gay. Even in space. Armie Hammer plays Sean Bean's "friend."
"Alyssum" starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster
Set in the year 2154, where the very wealthy live on the man-made space station Alyssum while the rest of the population resides on a ruined Earth, a man (Damon) takes on a mission that could bring equality to the polarized worlds.
Wait. They already made this.
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