I'm a Pathmark / On a Steel Horse I Ride...

So You Want To Start Your Own Subway Franchise

Thank you for expressing interest in starting your own Subway franchise. Before we approve you, we have to ask the following questions:

• Do you know how to cook?
• No? That's okay. Do you know how to operate basic machinery?
• No? That's fine. Do you know how to wash your hands?
• No? Not mandatory. Do you know about the basic refrigeration of meat?
• No? That's cool. Do you know how to make a basic sandwich?
• No? Fine, we'll teach you. Do you have $20 to start a business?
• Yes? NOW we're getting somewhere! Welcome to the Subway family!

Cheryl Can't Find It

"Well, goshdarnit, where is that thing? I just put it in here before leaving the parking lot. I distinctly remember placing it in one of these side pockets before putting on my gloves in the car. Shoot. My keys don't belong there- I must have slipped them right in the bag instead of in my coat pocket.

"Oh, my coat pocket. Let me check there... Nope. A parking pass (gotta remember to get that validated) and a Walgreen's receipt. I know I put it in here somewhere. Jeez, I have to clean some of this stuff out that I've been lugging around for no reason. No wonder my shoulder hurts so much during yoga.

"No. Nope. No. Altoids Smalls... Sarah Brightman CD... No. 

"Oh, for the love of Mike, where the sam hill is that thing? Shoot. Gary totally got it right when he said, 'Cheryl, if your head weren't bolted to your neck, you'd lose that, too.' He so knows me. But I know I've got it in here somewhere.

"Wait. There's where I left my Nature Valley Bar. Mmmm. The cinnamon ones are my favorite!

"Wow. A ticket stub to Dragon Heart?! How old is that?! Lordy.

"What are you looking at?! I'm trying to find something in my purse. Mind your own business, lady. So nosy.

"I really should get a smaller bag. Or organize the pockets in this one. A nail file, great. A phone charger for a Palm Pre. I don't even own that anymore... No...

"BINGO! FOUND IT! Coupon for $5.00 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut! I knew I had it here! Win!"

What Matt Thinks: The Short Knight

On his resumé, Matt lists one of his interests as art. So we exposed him to some poetry.


Click here to read the poem.

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.