Triscuit Company Proudly Supports Lesbians

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Triscuit Co. would like to make an announcement of solidarity and sisterhood with all lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Triscuit Co. is making this announcement independently of their parent company, RJR Nabisco Inc., which in turn is owned by Kraft Foods Inc. Neither RJR Nabisco Inc. nor Kraft Foods Inc. have approved this stand for solidarity with lesbians worldwide.

That's not to say that RJR Nabisco Inc. or Kraft Foods Inc. disapprove of lesbians worldwide. Both corporate entities are simply choosing to not join Triscuit Co. in its announcement. This distinction must be made very clear.

It's not that RJR Nabisco Inc. and Kraft Foods Inc. don't recognize the struggle of lesbians worldwide for equal workplace rights and civil unions. It's just that Triscuit Co. chose to make this public announcement without consulting either corporation.

Not that the fact that the announcement was public had anything to do with it. Wait. No, actually it does. The fact that it has to do with the struggle of all lesbians nationwide has nothing to do with it. RJR Nabisco Inc., Kraft Foods Inc., and Triscuit Co. have definite corporate guidelines to follow when making public announcements like this, but Triscuit Co. for some reason went ahead and made this grand sweeping gesture about lesbians without consulting the other firms, making those two look like bad guys for not going along with.

And while we're on the subject, the Thin Crisps Division of Triscuit Co. actually does not support the struggle of lesbians worldwide. The Thin Crisps Division, which covers Original, Parmesan Garlic, Quattro Formaggio, Sweet Chili, Cilantro Herb and Chipotle, and Applewood Smoked Barbecue, all condemn Triscuit Co.'s rash announcement that the entire company loves lesbians and wants to march with them.

The non-Thin Crisp version of all the flavors mentioned, however DO support lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Oh, to hell with it. Shelley in accounting at Triscuit Co. is out now. You all happy now? Jesus.