America's Got Pathmark

The ProofrEADJer, End of February Edition

From "American Psycho:"

Okay, the one below confuses me:

Is the garlic bread free? Then it's a typo. But does the garlic bread complement the pasta and wine nicely? Then, no typo. Which is it? Maybe a place with a 8.5x11 table tent doesn't serve wine and food pairings.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Forward A Personal Check

You may be wondering why anyone would ever have the need to sign over a check to another person in this day and age, but there are several circumstances where you might find the need to endorse a check over to someone else.

[EDITED: GOOGLE IT]

And speaking of access to money, if you want to tip me two dollars for a $40 fare, don't ask me to break a fiver and tell me you'll "just get three dollars back." You don't look like a high roller, son. You look cheap as refurbished sandals. Stay classy, kids.

Wake Me Up Before You Pathmarkmark

Special Holiday/Biblical Edition:

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

Aww, Why You Wanna Racist Appliances?

Blackberry Face VII

Sometimes an art collection outgrows a gallery and must be moved to a facility that can handle its space requirements. The recent acquisition of "Debargo," the seventh addition to the renowned "The Blackberry Face" series has made it necessary to find a new gallery to house the master works.

"Debargo" is a beautiful new piece, captured in Midtown New York and donated to the EADJ Gallery by James and Hillary Fallopian of the Fallopian Foundation. This seventh piece has made it necessary to find a new home for the collection when the curator found that the East Gallery could barely display the previous six pieces without causing a fire hazard.

"Debargo" depicts a middle aged man of unknown ethnic origin enjoying some "choons" on his phone or mp3 player. The rapturous expression on his face suggest freedom and escape to counteract the emotional ballast that is his sturgeon mouth.

Before this seventh piece, the collection resembled the compartmentalized photos of Dawoud Bey's Candida and Her Mother, Celia, II displayed at The Art Institute of Chicago. So "Debargo" has created new artistic interpretations of the overall collection as well as new challenges to its storage and display.

Click to enlarge:

The resulting new septaptych is breathtaking in its scope and scale. Gone is the stability and security of an even number as the juxtaposition of man and handheld machine is thrown into beautiful, asymmetric chaos.

Top row, from left: "Maggie," "Frank," "Edvard," "Debargo"
Bottom row, from left: "Tony," "Sam," "Doug"

The Blackberry Collection will be displayed in the Founder's and Parlor Gallery at the Woodmere Art Museum in Philadelphia, starting June 9. Admission will be $10 adults; $7 seniors; FREE for members, children, and students with current ID. No flash photography or pets.

:C

Spotted At a Book Exchange

Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster

Jessica dispenses some nuptial words of advice while tucking her hands in her sleeves because she doesn't have enough body fat to keep herself warm.