At last, ages of planning have finally culminated in the 68th month of Red Lobster's Lobsterfest®, a harmless experiment that eventually grew into a depressing ordeal of pain, heartache, and delicious lobster morsels in butter-like liquid. Here now, we bring you seven, nay, fourteen new ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:
• You order lobster, we serve it to you. That there's one way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• We hire Dantan Vederant, the most celebrated chef in the Northeast, who prepares and boils the most succulent lobsters over a 24 hour period. He lovingly places each lobster on a bed of Dominican Juma rice with the finest spices and savory butter and serves them exclusively to people in the restaurant named Gregory. Oh, your name isn't Gregory? Tsk tsk. Now that there is a frustrating way to almost enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
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• Grasteun, son of Gallilard, famed horseman of the ancient and legendary Knights of Terranon, shall climb the dreaded peaks of Mt. Kavalichon in the Vulkar Mountain range and use his mighty sword Evunion to split asunder the Stone of Cymtarrigas. From there he will place the precious stone into the Terranonian Crown of Vanquishers and wipe down a table for you so that you can sit down and order some lousy crab fritters. Lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck you.
• Do you enjoy pussy? Well, we don't offer pussy; we offer LOBSTER. You can get pussy elsewhere, but for now you can eat plenty of quality lobster for a decent price at Red Lobster. Sure, there are some prostitutes and loose women hanging out at the Red Lobster bar, willing to give you a cut of skank for a ten spot, but you can also get a nice, hearty meal with fresh lobster meat for only $12.99 which includes hush puppies, cole slaw, soup, and a small salad. Now that's a way to enjoy some serious pussy... I mean, lobster, at Lobsterfest® at Red Pussy.
• We buy out a local carpet dealership of all the carpets that they have in stock. We then roll hundreds of pounds of fresh lobster into every carpet, then sell it at an incredible 30% markdown. People who buy a carpet will take it home, unroll it on their living room floors, and discover an incredible bounty of sweet, moist lobster meat all over their hard wood floors. All the other local carpet dealers will be angry at us for a very long time! Somehow, you can tell that this would be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.
• We dry lobster meat on racks to make lobster jerky, which we bend and compress into tight staple shapes. The lobster staples actually fit into any standard industrial staple gun. You can load your staple gun and then shoot lobster staples onto your tongue, which compels you to seek legal action against us. Like, why would we make lobster staples so that you could injur yourself? I know, right?
• Lobster rolls are a cheap, vulgar reduction of the art of lobster cuisine into a common open-faced sandwich. Loaded with mayonnaise and the lowest quality grade of lobster, these lobster rolls are an insult to the sophisticated palate and an outright affront to the ah fuck it lobster rolls only $4.99 for a limited time at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.
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